Sunday was hard. The day was so full of worldly distractions. Sadly, I fell into the trap and I failed again.

I’ve been on a mission to find God. I want to feel his presence again, but I don’t know where to search. So I’ve been trying this new thing where I look for him in all things. In big moments or small situations, when everything is hectic and when all is calm. It is HARD. To be honest, some days I don’t even know why I bother to try. The world is so full of its ways to keep you from remembering him at all. And yes, I fall a lot.

For instance, I didn’t go to mass Sunday. I go every weekend, even when I don’t believe God is there at all; it just feels weird when I don’t go. I need to give God my time, but this Sunday was different; I didn’t make the time. I planned to go, but I remember looking at my watch and thinking, “Oh well, not making it today.” …How will I ever find God with that attitude? What if I die and get to heaven’s gates and he says, “Oh well, not making it today.” How would I feel?! I can’t stand myself most days.

Sunday night was super rough. I pushed aside my shame, but I just couldn’t forgive myself. Who am I that God isn’t important to me anymore? And what was I doing that took up my time that day and made me think I couldn’t make it? Oh that’s right. I was at a bar drinking with people who don’t care about my soul. Honestly, they probably don’t even care about me in general. Still, I picked them over someone who is continuously begging for my love. Why did I do that? Why did I make the wrong choice? I had been doing so well in immersing myself into things that would bring me closer to him and in one day I flushed all that progress away. I can’t forgive myself. That is quite possibly the thing I struggle with the most in life. That’s why I drink.

I couldn’t get myself to write anything Sunday night. I had a hard time accepting the choices I made. I told myself I would go confess in the morning because maybe words of forgiveness would make me feel ok with myself and my choices. So I woke up today (Monday) and went to confess.

There is no better way to say this than God’s grace is amazing. I don’t even know why he continues to forgive me. I really debated with that question before going into the confessional. I stared up at the huge Jesus sculpture and asked him to answer me, to tell me why he still wanted me. And answer me he did.

Today was the first time in a very long time that I felt God actually speak straight to me. I’ll paraphrase what the priest said:

“You have to remember to be patient with yourself. Don’t set expectations that are too high because if we don’t reach them, that’s when we feel that we fail. You have to be realistic in your expectations for yourself. We are often too hard on ourselves and it’s bad because the world is already hard on us. We need to be patient. God doesn’t want us perfect and ready to go; he wants our brokenness.”

In other words, I can’t keep running and then getting mad at myself for not achieving what I said I would in a short period of time. It’s just not realistic.

I really can’t express how gratifying it was to hear those words. They’re all true! God knew what I needed to hear and made sure to drill it in my mind. I feel good! Hopefully this feeling will last for a while. Hopefully I can keep it up and not beat myself up when I fail again, because I’m human and I know it will happen. Time will tell.

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