Day 4. I’m listening to a song titled “Somewhere in Between” and that’s how I feel. I don’t want to write anymore because I really don’t want to feel vulnerable or raw or open, but I have to be honest with myself and this is the only way I can. So I’ll write from the part of me that is “in between.”

I don’t know where to start today. I have already written 3 different things and deleted them all. I’m out of it. I feel like I’m out of it all the time. I never know who I am or what I want for myself. I’m so incredibly lost and it sucks! The older I get and the harder the situations I face, the more I feel myself losing who I am or who I thought I was.

I’ll be hitting my quarter-life crisis age soon. I mentioned that to my mother and she responded with something that stayed with me for the rest of the day. She said that a “quarter-life crisis is what happens to those who don’t spend time getting to know themelves.” I thought that was interesting because I haven’t the slightest clue on how to do that. I’ve heard of the “date yourself” mentality where you shouldn’t be afraid to do things alone but rather embrace that time before you move on to doing them with others. I’ve been trying that and I truly enjoy it. I go to coffee shops or sit in different places and read alone and it is actually very nice. But I don’t know if I’m finding myself like that. I just end up lonely.

I never compare myself to others. I see people together in their relationships and friendships and I wonder if I want that. Right now I feel so disconnected that I would purposely pass up opportunities to be with good people simply because I’m scared of getting hurt and I really don’t want to hurt others. I feel like I have so much to offer yet nothing to give at the same time. I know who I want to be as a person but have absolutely no idea how to get there. I just continue to try to be as kind as possible to all others who cross paths with me.

Maybe that’s how I will find myself. Not by reinventing who I am, but through service for those around me. By making them happy before myself. By being selfless. It’s worth a shot so I’m going to do it. I’m crossing my fingers… Here goes nothing.

Advertisements