Day 9. Anxiety is worsening. Still haven’t told anyone about how bad it has been. I was able to unload a bit with friends today, but they weren’t able to understand what I was feeling. I still appreciate them for listening. Sometimes that’s really all you need.

Now I’m wondering, am I that for my family and friends? Do I extend a listening ear? Am I there for them when they need me even if they don’t return the sentiment? Was I there for my mom today when she felt lonely? Was I there for my dad today in case he needed to talk? Did I do enough?

Am I enough?

I don’t think so. If I’m not enough company for my mom to no longer feel lonely, if I’m not understanding enough for someone I care for and like to talk to me rather than ignore me, if I don’t listen enough in a genuine manner the way others do for me in conversation, then no. I’m really not enough.

I know I can be enough for someone to be able to like me, but why am I never enough for love? Why am I never enough to be thought about or remembered by others that I’d do the same for?

I know God believes I am enough for him, but I don’t feel it. I can’t be enough with all my doubts, lack of trust, and inability to simply pray. I can’t even do the basics for God. How can I still be enough? Why would he want me when I’m not worthy?

Why would anyone else want me? Those who “do” don’t know me. They get stuck on infatuation or thoughts of what could be or who they think I am. But the truth is, I don’t even know who I am. How can they know if I don’t?

I wish I could do more and be more. I wish I was better. I feel like I’m constantly trying my hardest and I keep failing. I keep drowning. And I don’t know if I’ll ever find my way to shore. I can’t even see the shoreline where I am right now. I just feel the current taking me under and the waves crashing on me, keeping me down. Maybe one day I’ll learn to swim.

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