I’m getting bad about writing everything down. I just get so overwhelmed and I don’t want to do anything or talk to anyone. It’s crazy how all I want is for others to hear me out, but I can’t even get myself to want to be around people. That only makes my struggle with anxiety worse.

Over these past two days, I have struggled with knowing my self-worth. Though I feel God reminding me in small ways that I matter. I am trying to listen to his voice rather than outside influences. It is extremely difficult.

After a few long and stressful weeks, I stuck with my decision of not joining my mother on a vacation trip and instead coming to help my father with my grandparents. I still don’t know if it was the right choice to let my mother go alone, especially after all of her attempts to persuade me to go. But I do feel in my heart that my choice was unselfish and for the right reasons (if that even means anything to anyone these days).

Yet I still find myself trying to run away from what I feel is obligation. I don’t know if I’m putting that pressure on myself, or if it just comes along with the situation. Hard to tell. I’m hanging in there.

I feel that I am extending myself to my breaking point. Actually, I reached it yesterday. It wasn’t this awakening sensation where it suddenly dawned on me or anything. I just broke down. I wasn’t able to understand why things kept going wrong when I felt that I was trying my hardest to do things right.

The Lord tends to put me in situations where I have to remain patient. Again and again I am reminded that there are always reasons to smile, even when things are ugly. Sometimes it could be something that seems to insignificant to others, like getting your breakfast for free in the drive thru, but I know that is how God speaks: through little actions that make big impacts.

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