I don’t know what I believe in anymore. I mean I know what I BELIEVE in, but I don’t know what I’m really a believer of. I feel like I’m finally being myself again, but a lot of what I do contradicts my beliefs. Or maybe it doesn’t? What if I just don’t know what comes along with my beliefs? I’m just lost.

I want to find him. I want to find God. And I can’t do it here. I can’t be constantly surrounded by noise! It’s so hard for me to keep my heart set on him that I end up failing by constantly getting distracted. It’s so hard!!!!

I know I should want to find God to find love. I know when I reach him that will mean that I have ultimately reached a love within myself. But part of me wants to reach him so that I can finally find the man that is right for me. I just have this thought that he will come after I get to God. And I don’t even know if that is true and I did know that isn’t the reason I should be pursuing God.

What if he’s using this internal desire to pull me close? Like someone using their bad characteristics in a positive way? I’m still just struggling to reach him.

At the rate I’m going, I’ll never find a man. I know, I know; it’s not up to me or my timing. I just can’t help feeling that way inside. Why must this be so hard?