I’m so poor right now. Monetarily, spiritually, emotionally… just poor. However, I’m so very fortunate that the previous statement isn’t extremely accurate. I’m blessed beyond measure. God provides for me. But I still FEEL poor.

My fortune cookie tonight said, “Flying is easy. Not hitting the ground is hard.” Why do those words resonate so much with me? I clearly understand them, but I couldn’t explain to a single soul what they mean. I know they mean something different to everybody. I honestly feel that I am living my life like that right now. I’m trying to fly, or live life in a right way, but I keep hitting the ground, or making mistakes and getting pushed down each time I strive to be better.

Every time I put in my head that I want to be better and do better, I end up failing. I don’t know if I have enough perseverance to continue. I’m weak.

I know God is with me. I know he is. But why do we have to live our lives constantly hitting the ground? We can fly but never long enough to feel the wind and see the sights. It’s always cut short.

I’m always trying to fill this void with people that don’t matter at all and it is so incredibly hard to get out of that habit. How do I change myself?

What does God want from me??? I wish I knew. I wish I could just do it now and I could be closer to him. I’m tired of feeling so far away. I don’t know how to find him in the mess other than the basic sense of knowing he is helping me through it. But I want more than that. Or should that be enough?

I’m hitting the ground again… these questions make me hit the ground. Maybe God wants me to keep falling so one day I can knock some sense into myself. I wouldn’t be surprised… after all this time, I’ve learned his humor is worse than mine.

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