I’ve written for almost a full month… documenting my life, emotions, and thoughts for 27 days now. I feel bare. Exposed. Open. Scared. Raw.

Nothing has changed, really. I think I entered this assuming that being honest with myself would change my heart or thoughts but nope. I’m still just as anxious, if not more, about my life and love.

I sometimes stop and wonder if I’m so nervous about finding love because I don’t want to be proven wrong. I’ve been so convinced for the longest time that love is a scam. Or at least the search for love is. Though, the process of loving is so incredibly difficult and made even more so by people constantly giving up and running because of the fear of commitment.

I can’t be with someone who is that way, especially since I need to be shown that my thoughts inaccurate. I know love is real. I see it everyday in different settings. But so many get hurt and heartbroken everyday that they can’t believe someone will take them in and accept them as they are.

That’s me. I think I’m about average as you can get on a scale of awkward to model. Who would want me? I’m a nervous wreck, I have morals and standards that are old fashioned and outdated for the times we live in, and I just don’t like to waste my time with people who can’t comprehend that they should treat others with respect. Nobody wants someone with those values anymore.

I can’t allow myself to fall in love and I can’t allow myself to marry anyone. I’ve seen the way people are when they are simply unhappy in their marriage. People who once swore that they were marrying their soulmate, their best friend, the person who understood them the most. How do things change? And why don’t people change with each other instead of choosing to leave the other behind?

I find it hard to believe that love can last so how do some people still manage to do it? That’s where I’m conflicted. I want that so bad, but I won’t let myself even get close to trying to find it. I want it to come to me so I know that it’s a guarantee. I’ll know that it’s worth it, that it’s true, and that I can go along with it. I can’t find it on my own. I haven’t thus far, so obviously something is wrong. But I don’t want the wrong thing to be me.

So no, my thoughts on love haven’t changed. In fact, I’m stagnant. I plan to be that way for a will too. And whoever will be fearless enough to scale the wall surrounding my heart can have it.

Time will tell.

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