I normally wouldn’t wait 3 days to write, but these 3 days needed to be clumped together. I’ve been screwing up a lot. Failing myself mainly. I want to be strong and not drink anymore, but it is hard. I finally realized the crappy cycle that I put myself through, and it hurts me knowing that I am the one making the decisions that lead me into these feelings and thoughts about myself and my body.

I have been really stressed out with everything going on with family and now with work starting up again. Apparently I forgot that I was going to put myself through a spiritual journey this summer because summer is basically over and I have done NOTHING. Instead, I’ve started drinking a lot. Not A LOT a lot, but more than what I normally do. This week I managed to drink once everyday for 7 days in a row. I’m really proud of myself for hurting my kidneys and liver and pushing myself to a point of exhaustion and unhealthiness where I feel like absolute crap. Oh yeah, it’s been a blast…….. Said no one ever.

I ate like garbage this entire week with my family in town and wanting to go out every night. I had actually been doing well with not feeling bad about the food I intake, but this week has my brain going crazy.

I have a sort of eating disorder. I never admitted it, not even to myself, until about a couple months ago when I knew I was doing it and knew I was doing nothing stop myself. It hasn’t progressed to anything extremely serious, thank goodness, but it still is pretty serious. And it is all based in my mind.

If I don’t like that I am gaining weight, or my pants are fitting too tight, or I don’t even fit into clothes I once wore, or I am just being unhealthy and eating nothing but junk food, or if I am upset and think that the reason people don’t like me is because of my appearance, or if I just want to be in control of ONE thing in my life, I won’t eat. I won’t starve myself all day; I just will limit the amount of food I eat per meal or more often just eat about once a day.

A lot of it results from I don’t have time to go to the gym to workout or I’m too tired to go. Therefore, I don’t like the way my body looks to me. I know I’m not fat, but I just feel like I am sometimes. Again, all in my brain. I tell myself these things that make me feel bad, even if they aren’t true. It’s depressing.

Well, the last time I really deprived myself of eating was a couple months ago. I promised myself the last time that I wouldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t hurt my body like that. And I’ve kept that promise so far. But after this week, I can feel my mind working and thinking these thoughts again. I don’t like what I see in the mirror. I’ve been drinking so much. I’ve been eating so bad. I haven’t worked out. My pants looked so bad on me today. I can’t keep looking that way.

So my brain automatically tells me that I don’t need to eat anymore and that I’ve been eating too much so I don’t really need to eat anymore for the rest of the day…. or week. Probably for the whole week. But I plan to fight my brain this time. I don’t want to fall and cave into this pressure I’ve put on myself. I want to try and be healthy the right way! I need to start with my mind first though and that is going to be the hardest part.

It’s hard when everyone around you makes you feel alone. When your own family doesn’t want to spend much time with you and seems unphased by not seeing or speaking to you for days. When they ignore you to focus on other worldly things that are not of importance. When my friends do or say things that make you feel bad about yourself and not feel worthy of their friendship, pushing you to do things that you don’t feel comfortable doing. It is hard having extreme anxiety and doing things your friends want when all you want to do is stay home away from people. Then having to be a person of your word and commit to these things you said yes to… the pressure is difficult to keep up with. Plus, finding out someone you had strong feelings for never even thought of you as more than a friend can put you into a swirl of emotions. Hence the thoughts on not being good or pretty enough, driving me back to drinking or restricting myself from eating.

It’s a vicious cycle.

However, it is very refreshing to admit these things to myself. I’m glad I can actually be honest and know what my REAL flaws are that I need to work on. And the only thing that will really help me love myself and get through this is to trust God. I need to remember that he will help me at all times and that he is there even when I feel alone.

We are never alone! Just have to remind ourselves that God is with us.

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