Day 73. Our second day at work went well. I think my kids are feeling a slight bit better around our new building. Or maybe I just want to believe that so I won’t feel bad anymore about the move. I have them journaling about their experiences, so hopefully time will tell.

In other news, I failed yet again at getting back on my healthy eating kick. I want to believe that I was doing a great job at clean eating before, but I don’t know how accurate that is. I do know that I was definitely eating way better compared to how I am now. And again, the nagging voice is coming back to my mind. I’m literally on the road to eating myself to death.

I know that this stupid eating disorder isn’t going away in the next day or week or even year. It is constantly trying to convince me that I am undesirable if I’m not at the weight I want to be. If my face is too round or my arms are too chunky to fit into my sleeves, I start to stress. Then with all added stress, I start to stress eat and everything just goes downhill from there.

I can’t let myself continue on this unhealthy path. I honestly don’t care if I’m big or thin, I just want to be happy and healthy without fear of any health related issues.

I find myself trying to prove that I can still get the attention of men even though I am not as skinny as I once was. As attractive as I once was. As happy as I once was… And then I end up making poor choices or teasing people or leading them on knowing full well they do not interest me and I won’t want to pursue. This is one thing I have stopped doing unless I’ve been drinking, which is another story for another time.

I know that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I know I need to completely love myself before getting to be with someone else and I can do that. However I know that this is also a process that will take a long time.

I have to learn to fully love and accept myself so I can continue to fight these battles and temptations. I also know that I need to love myself so that I can give my students a good example of how to do so.

If it needs to be for them before doing for myself, then I will get it done. I will not give up.

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