Days 74-75. I know this is repetitive of me because I have written about it before, but I am experiencing it again. I almost feel bad saying it… guilty in a sort of way.

It’s hard having people like me that I don’t like in return. Especially when they are friends. Not only friends, but close friends that you see often.

I know, I know. Poor me, having so many people interested in me when some people aren’t even noticed. But in a way I’m not being noticed. Not by the right person at least.

I’m not too sure what it is that these friends supposedly “see” in me that makes them like me as much as they do. I don’t think they see the real me. Or maybe they do and that’s what makes them fall for me. Though I would be willing to bet that the majority of them just like the surface me, not what’s inside and most important. And it hurts.

These are people that supposedly know me and if THEY can only see the surface of me, what hope do I have in waiting for another man to find the good in me? It seems impossible.

My heart is heavy tonight. So much has happened and is happening right now that I wish I had someone there for me. Yet I don’t even know if I would let them in. I don’t want to hurt anybody. It breaks my heart thinking that these people who like me are feeling rejected from me and that I could be the reason they in turn close themselves off from others. I wouldn’t want anyone to be like me and shut everybody out.

And that’s not even the only thing getting to me. I have stress related symptoms (most likely PTSD) from the hurricane and am still having recurring nightmares about the flood. I’ve been waking up just about every other night from nightmares about my house and classroom destroyed. I just want to move on from this. It’s so hard.

Work has been difficult in this new building and that has added to the stress already piled up. I just want to sleep for 5 days.

To top it off, I miss my dad. I want him to be home. He is the only stable and constant male figure in my life that shows me what true and faithful love is.

No matter how many people want me or how long we have known each other, I won’t settle.

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