Days 96-100. Currently listening to the song titled “Placed on Hold” by Mutemath. I was asked to describe my love life in 3 words yesterday and I feel as though those words would suffice. The other 3 words would be “On God’s Time.” I know God wants me to wait; he’s told me so. He tells me each time I try to make feelings pop up out of thin air for random guys who are nice to me. Just because they are nice and good doesn’t mean they are meant for me. There are tons of kind people who I don’t need to be with. That shouldn’t be the only gauge in welcoming someone to my life.

I’m on hold. I’m not the best version of myself yet. I’m trying to get there on my own but I’m struggling. Sometimes I just want someone so that I know there will always be someone to like me when I don’t like myself, but I know things don’t work that way.

I need to love myself. I just struggle doing so.

Work has been progressively getting more stressful. I’m trying to stay positive, but it is hard to keep the optimism up. Especially when you also aren’t enjoying what you see in the mirror.

I’ve been stress eating and haven’t been able to workout since my gym got flooded and never reopened. All this food is adding pounds and I don’t enjoy looking at myself anymore. The feelings and urges of withholding food from myself are coming back. They’ve been tempting me, however I have been fighting the urge. It’s REALLY hard though.

Tonight, as I read what I’ve written days ago, I am saddened because of the way I see myself and the choices I’ve made these past couple of days. I spent all day between sleep and feeling sick from having 3 drinks last night and being so behind on sleep. My body no longer bounces back like before. I am tired all the time to the point where I feel sick. I just want rest. I want to know that I am not wasting my time doing nothing. That all this time I’m pouring into work isn’t in vain or a waste. I just want to feel that I don’t feel this way without reason.

It lies hard on my soul thinking non-stop day and night that I am not being seen as valuable. What more can I be doing? I don’t want to take my blessings for granted. I’ve been failing constantly and not working hard enough to fight all temptations that come my way.

I need a fresh start. I must genuinely ask God for forgiveness then wake up and try again. I can’t go through the motions anymore. I have to do better and be better.

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