Days 101-102. I don’t understand how feelings work or form or disappear… is this knowledge we as humans are supposed to comprehend?

I’m back to being afraid of marriage. I’m afraid of committing to someone. I was in an okay spot, but today changed everything. Again.

It is incredibly depressing knowing that moments that are so insignificant to us can be molding another persons life or mindset. Truly remarkable how by one small word, or lack of, can impact a person so much. Can cause an emotional reaction. Can create emotional turmoil in another.

SOMETHING THAT IS SO INSIGNIFICANT TO YOU CHANGES SOMEONE ELSE!

How can that be okay? How is it ever okay to break someone’s heart and then just move on with your life as if it never happened? And to think that we go around doing this daily… there are really no words to describe this knowledge. It’s just sad.

Think about it, our hearts get broken everyday. It may not be a huge break, or maybe it might, but either way they are being chipped apart constantly by the smallest things. It could be by someone telling you you’re not good enough, someone saying your cooking doesn’t taste right, your jeans are fitting a little too snug, your hair looks bad, your makeup is subpar, your jokes aren’t funny, your attitude is unappreciated (even though nobody bothers to ask if you’re okay to figure out why you have an attitude to begin with), your shoes aren’t cool, your laugh is too high-pitched, you aren’t doing your job right, your nose is big, your ears are small, you look tired (even if you tried really hard to make yourself not look that way)… the list could go on forever.

I as a person break every single time I hear those things. And considering that those saying the words believe they are so insignificant, the small break in my heart is also probably not important either.

Then what do we do in return? We go and say those things to others! WHY DO WE DO THAT?? Weren’t we just broken? Don’t we know we will break another in the same way? Do we really want everyone to be broken just so that they can be in the same boat as us?

I don’t understand. I don’t think I’ll ever understand. I’m at a loss right now… I dont know where to go from here or how to feel. I’m utterly lost. I’m broken. I’m hurting.

And nobody knows or cares. That is the sad reality in the world we live in today. Everyone is so busy trying to patch up their cracks and heal their own pains that they forget to treat others with compassion and empathy. We forget to love our neighbor and forgive their brokenness. No wonder depression is as common as it is… nobody cares.

Even if they do care, we all must take the time to take care of ourselves. And what do the people do who don’t know how to care for themselves? Who do they turn to then? How do they get help?

Wouldn’t it make the most sense to just be kind all the time? Wouldn’t it be better for us to never have to heal our broken hearts because they were never broken at all? Then we could turn our attention to our brothers and sisters who really do need our help and build them up instead of allowing them to stay down.

I’ve always liked the quote “Why do we only rest in peace? Why can’t we live in it too?” Why is this so hard to achieve? How do we reverse all the bad things we’ve done and stop from doing them again? Is there any convincing to those who have already gone too far down the rabbit hole?

People often think I don’t care about their feelings. They all think I’m okay with hurting them and breaking their hearts and just being able to move on with my life, but that’s not me. Nobody understands my heart. Nobody sees my brokenness, nor my attempts to avoid creating theirs. I am placed into the same boat as the rest. Sometimes I think I deserve to be there too.

I have tried SO very hard not to hurt anyone or break their hearts. I’ve distanced myself from any potential dates or people who may think they like me but don’t know me at all. I’ve hurt too many already and I don’t want to go back to that life anymore. I don’t want to NOT care.

I know I can’t help feelings from forming, but I can stop them from growing. Or at least I will try to.

I am detached in such a way that only the one God sends to me will be able to reel me in. Only God can set my heart on fire so much so that I will then feel the need to share it. I don’t feel that for anyone now and I shouldn’t have to feel bad about that. I shouldn’t be made to feel bad about not wanting to be with anyone. I am waiting and being patient for the one who deserves me and that is okay!

I don’t know what others want from me, but I know what I want from myself… to love my neighbor and serve those who come to me. I think that’s really all that matters.

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