Days 109-110. I have high functioning anxiety. People deny it to be a disease, but I swear to you when you are crying uncontrollably for something small like “the line was too long at Sonic and I just wanted an iced tea,” you’ll get it. True story. It happened today.

I cried at work again. I really need to get a grip on that. It’s hard!!!!! But I’m trying and that’s all that matters, right…?

When I tell people that I have anxiety, I don’t think they fully understand what I mean. They usually brush off my statement by saying that “everybody is stressed.” But I’m not talking about everybody; I’m talking about me.

Do I need to be worrying about everybody else too? Am I now being selfish? Are my needs and emotions so minimal that they really don’t matter? Am I making a bigger deal out of this than I need to be? Should I even be bringing my feelings up in general?

Just an example of where my brain goes and how I immediately feel the anxiety kick in.

Anxiety isn’t something you just get over and move on from. Anxiety is so complex, yet the things that set it off can be so simple.

Anxiety is making the trip to get your car’s oil changed, then seeing the line and leaving because you are on the verge of tears and don’t want to cry in front of random people, then freaking out more because you didn’t get the oil changed.

Anxiety is crying because you are tired to the point of being able to fall asleep standing up, but feeling bad because you didn’t make a  late night trip to visit your aunt.

Anxiety is walking down the hallway at work and yelling loudly because if you don’t release some tension you’ll breakdown and have a mental block that doesn’t allow you to even formulate sentences that describe your thoughts.

Anxiety is struggling to breathe and gasping for air because you are in full panic mode.

Anxiety is not being able to sleep because you are constantly thinking of things you could improve on, or things you’ve done wrong and no longer can go back and correct.

Anxiety is developing a stress-related and stress-causing nerve pain in your back that doesn’t even allow you to make the slightest moments without being in EXTREME pain.

Anxiety is always having your brain working at 150 mph and not slowing down enough to finish one thought before moving on to the next.

Anxiety is putting on a fake smile everyday and pretending to be fine when really you don’t feel that way at all.

I hate having anxiety. I hate barely dealing with it and just “coping” with it enough to be able to narrowly get by.

I wish people understood. I wish people had compassion and more love to share with those who are struggling. Until that day, I’ll be here struggling.

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