“Why am I having a panic attack before sleeping…” things I wonder to myself ALL. THE. TIME.

Writing set me off tonight. I reveal the most when I know nobody can hear me or judge my thoughts. Hence this blog (but apparently I have people who read, so don’t judge me please).

I know God is calling me to write. I just don’t know what he wants me to write, if anything specific. My dad keeps pushing me and I know that things don’t come out good if I am forcing them. I don’t like to write if I don’t feel like it. But there are days when all I want to do is write. I’m a very complex person as you can see (not really, just often confused by life).

I don’t know if it is the stress of this year at work, or if the seasons of my life are changing, but I feel called to move on. I’m still discerning whether it is an actual call from God, or if it’s me running away. However, the way I can tell is usually by my feelings towards leaving the people I work with.

In each job that I have left, I have felt a small sense of remorse when saying goodbye. This time, I know it would pain me to leave because I can’t help but cry at the thought of not seeing my work family anymore. 3 years is a long time to work together, and it isn’t even THAT long. I just can’t fathom going away.

I do know I need time off. My mental health is suffering. Then that in turn is causing my physical health to suffer. It’s terrible. But I will understand if I have to go.

I don’t think I’ll understand if I have to stay though. Part of me knows why, but I wonder if this is really the spot for me. I do all that I do for my kids. But am I really making an impact or a dent in the world? There are so many more kids i could serve throughout the world. I know that is selfish thinking, but I just really want a break. I know God will ALWAYS give me strength to keep going if I am doing his will, but there are times when I really just want to curl up into a ball and rest.

I need rest. Maybe that will change my perspective.