I had the biggest epiphany today.

I have one of the sweetest men in the entire world who is very much interested in me and wants me with all of his heart. Instead of being happy and accepting him, I keep trying to push him away. Why do I do that?

One, I feel that I am supposed to be with what I’VE always wanted, not what God wants for me. Two, I am afraid and don’t feel worthy of his pure love for me.

He has been one of my closest friends for the past year and a half. He knows me. He knows how I am when I’m stressed. He knows what I look like when my hair isn’t combed or I didn’t want to put on any make-up. He knows my hobbies and my interests and shares them with me. He knows my music likes and listens to much of the same. He knows my type of humor and laughs with me, not AT me. He sees my heart and my intentions and knows that I am true to my word. And he still wants me.

I know him too. I know how he is when he’s angry. I know how he is when he’s tired. I know that he has one of the biggest hearts of anyone I’ve ever had the chance to be friends with and will literally give me his shirt to wear when I don’t have one (because he’s done it before). He hasn’t changed and I know he won’t ever change.

Yet part of me is expecting that he will. Part of me keeps pushing him away because I’m so afraid that this will end up bad. I keep telling him to “be himself” because I half expect that he will change into a huge douchebag just like everyone else has with me in the past. But he won’t.

So how do I get myself to stop thinking this way? How do I just accept love?

What if he isn’t even who God has planned for me? But what if he is?

I need a sign. A CLEAR SIGN. I might not get it, but maybe I will.

If only God were a magician…. just kidding. I know he’s looking out for me.

All good things come from him.