Days 203-227. I haven’t written in so long. I forgot I even had a blog. Life update ahead.

Work has been even more of a train wreck than usual. A coworker quit, and now I am the lucky individual teaching their classes as well as my own. It’s been busy and stressful and extremely tiring. I cry often because I’m so worn out and often feel like I am doing it all for nothing since these students will be measured by an exam that they will not be prepared for. Of course I try not to cry in front of others, but at this point of the year, anything goes.

I miss my grandparents. I think of them often and I still long to see them. I feel their absence deeply. I try hard to contain my tears because I feel that I have to move on, but I know it’s not that simple. I just cannot allow myself to break down in all aspects of life. I need control over at least one thing… yeah right.

I have been in a relationship for 3 months and haven’t found an excuse to run away yet. With each day that goes by, I get more scared that the love I have for him will end up hurting him. I don’t always trust myself. But he is patient and I want to take it slow. I have no idea what I want in life anymore. There are days when I don’t know if I should even want him. But I guess I still do. So here we are.

I hope I can be more honest with myself after this work year is over. I hope I can learn what love really is in this relationship. I hope alcohol isn’t my only outlet when I feel stressed.

I hope I pray more and write more.

I hope I think better of myself. I hope I have time to think of myself at all.

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Days 200-202. I woke up thinking about death. My own death to be exact. Not exactly the best morning thoughts I suppose.

But have you ever thought about your death? About how you will die? About if you are ready to die?

Am I scared? Am I nervous? Am I happy that I have the opportunity to bask in the splendor of my Lord in heaven?

I don’t know.

I was a bit apprehensive thinking about that this morning. Wondering if I’m living my life right enough to get me to heaven.

Am I putting in the same or more time to nourish my soul as I am to nourish my physicalities? Where am I right now?

My heart is always yearning. My soul is always longing. But my brain has done it’s best to hush the repeated hum of faith calling me forth.

So I’m going to hold myself accountable. In the same way that I hold myself accountable for work or for food and exercise, I’m going to hold myself accountable for my spirituality.

I’m starting a 30 day prayer challenge (well 27 now that I’m starting 3 days late) to prep myself for the start of lent. If I never pray, I’ll never find my way closer to God.

I will start simply and be realistic about my goals, that way I won’t be extremely disappointed and harsh on myself if I fail.

This is it. A new beginning. And I don’t know when the end will be. But I want to be ready.

Days 179-199. 20 days is the longest I’ve ever gone without writing. So much has happened; I’m just not sure why I chose not to write about it.

Maybe I’m lazy. Maybe I’m overworked and tired. Maybe I’m still in a state of depression following the deaths of my grandparents. Maybe… I just didn’t want to write.

But now I do.

I’ve experienced a lot of love and a lot of change over the last month. I’ve required myself to partake in experiences that I would normally never be a part of due to fear or anxiety. I’ve pushed myself to feel and see love in all relationships, even when all I want to do is run and hide or push people away. I’ve consumed good food and coffee with relish and didn’t feel guilty about it (just extremely full). And I’ve seen God’s work in all aspects of life, even though I’m still working on the communication part.

I am alive in every sense of the word and feeling. I never want to be asleep in the world again.

I vow to push myself this year, out of my comfort zone, to do what is right without without fear, to no longer be silent and speak what is on my mind, and to treat myself better (emotionally and physically).

I want to be so intimate with God that I can feel his breath upon me.

I have a lot of work to do.

Days 175-179. I hate that people keep telling me to cheer up or move on or get over things and continue with my life.

I’m exhausted. I’m tired of being sad. I want this grief to leave me. I wish i could just keep my mind off of the situation everyday so that I wouldn’t be affected or sad anymore.

But that’s not the way things work.

I know grieving takes time. I’m trying to figure out how long, but it feels like forever.

 

Days 173-174. If you love someone, those three words are enough.

I’ve often been caught wishing I could find a way to express my emotions of extreme love. As though saying “I love you” is not enough. I want the person to feel it more and really know my thoughts about them.

But it is enough.

We downplay the word “love” by using it with insignificant things that shouldn’t be deserving of the word.

“I just love this shirt!”

“I love pizza!”

“I love coffee more than anything in the world.”

Those material possessions and basic items should never be placed in the same category as your loved ones or significant other.

How could I tell the love of my life that I love him, but turnĀ  around and say the same thing about a small, forgettable item that I’ll get over in the next month? It’s not right and those words can’t be accurate.

Sure, I could have a fond liking for one thing or have a great interest in another, but neither should be comparable to the ones I truly love.

I. Love. You.

It’s enough. It should always be enough.

Days 165-172. I watched as grandpa was commemorated, celebrated, honored, and discussed.

I listened to tales of his life, some stories I’d never heard of and some stories I’d heard so many tines before.

I wept as I saw his casket get ready to be lowered into the ground, the last physical sense of him gone.

It’s so difficult for me to accept that he and grandma are gone. I don’t want it to be true.

I don’t see how I will ever move past this loss.

I know the strength of the Lord is with me. I know he is resting. I know they are together and free.

I don’t want them to be gone.

Days 166-168. Grandpa is in heaven now.

He passed away the night dad told us about his decision to stop treatment. I somehow always knew this would happen, but I didn’t think it would happen in the manner that it did.

When I woke up Thursday morning, I knew. I felt it in my heart before my parents came in and told me. My heart is broken; it has been since that day.

I don’t want to accept it, but I know I have to. I know he is with grandma and they aren’t suffering anymore. I am consoled by this knowledge. But I still miss him. I always will.

I can’t express this grief. There aren’t any words I could use to explain my emotions.

How do I describe the look in his eyes when he saw me after several weeks, and the smile that appeared when I walked up to give him a hug?

How can I put into words the glance and wink he would give me when he was being mischievous and up to no good?

How can I write about the way his hair stood up in several directions, even after me and him both continuously trying to flatten it down?

I miss him in a way that only my heart can yearn for. I won’t ever stop. I’ll never forget him. He is in me and I’ll carry him everywhere I go.

I am my grandfather’s granddaughter.