This week has been so hectic. With work, trying to help others on the side, still trying to balance a social life, and caring for my family, there seems to barely be time for anything. However, if I’ve learned something over these past few days, it’s that I need to make time for what’s important.

Over the past 2 weeks, close friends to the family lost 2 family members within days of each other. I can’t imagine the heartache they must feel. My dad, being a close friend to one of the deceased, came into town to attend the services. Having him home, even if just for one night, feels right. He is missed here. But he has shown his sense of humor and thoughtfulness for us in everything he does.

I heard a wonderful quote tonight that said, “your heart will never be big until you open it.” I can’t help but think that out describes my father so perfectly. He is a walking ball of emotions. And he has no issue sharing them either. I want to follow his example. When I go somewhere, I want to be confident and make a new friend by striking up a random conversation, just as he does. I want to know so many people that others will look at each other and wonder how I am linked to everyone in the room, just as he is.

I must follow his footsteps. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I didn’t.

Something has occurred to me. There can NEVER be too much love. There is just no limit. So why do we hold back? Why are we afraid to share the love we pack in our huge hearts with others? Why don’t we show kindness and spread joy among strangers?

It always hurts me to see others in pain. Physically, emotionally, spiritually… Why do we let others suffer? I know I’m not perfect, and I know that there have been many situations where I could’ve easily done something to help another in a tough time, but I didn’t. Because I was scared. I was afraid they would make fun of me or see my heart for what it is. Vulnerable. Loving. Caring. Full of emotion! Why do we look down on these characteristics?

It’s become a norm in our society to act tough, to hide our emotions, to pretend that we have no feelings, just so others can’t hurt us. But how often does that approach work? Rarely, if ever. We are simply hurting ourselves. Distancing ourselves from the one truth in life! To LOVE!

What a mistake!!

How can we want to avoid the joy and light that comes along with love? Is it because we are too afraid to be hurt time and time again? Yes, love does hurt. Yes, it is a huge risk to open up and potentially be heartbroken by the wrong person. Yes, maybe even our family and closest friends can betray us and cause so much pain in our hearts that it feels as though we can’t take it anymore! But that doesn’t mean to stop loving altogether. That is simply an opportunity to love even more. Love even harder! Love in such a strong way that those who hurt you can’t even deny that love exists!

And man does it exist.

We can’t forget that. I can’t forget that. Even when I feel that all my love has expired, it hasn’t. My heart is evolving to contain and share an even greater type of love. One that I never imagined could exist.

Isn’t that how love is? Constantly evolving and growing into something bigger and bigger until one day we realize that we never thought we could be able to love that hard, yet there we are, loving in a new way.

I need to share my love. I need to open up my heart. And if it gets broken, then so be it. At least it will be cracked open to allow even more love to flow through.

I normally wouldn’t wait 3 days to write, but these 3 days needed to be clumped together. I’ve been screwing up a lot. Failing myself mainly. I want to be strong and not drink anymore, but it is hard. I finally realized the crappy cycle that I put myself through, and it hurts me knowing that I am the one making the decisions that lead me into these feelings and thoughts about myself and my body.

I have been really stressed out with everything going on with family and now with work starting up again. Apparently I forgot that I was going to put myself through a spiritual journey this summer because summer is basically over and I have done NOTHING. Instead, I’ve started drinking a lot. Not A LOT a lot, but more than what I normally do. This week I managed to drink once everyday for 7 days in a row. I’m really proud of myself for hurting my kidneys and liver and pushing myself to a point of exhaustion and unhealthiness where I feel like absolute crap. Oh yeah, it’s been a blast…….. Said no one ever.

I ate like garbage this entire week with my family in town and wanting to go out every night. I had actually been doing well with not feeling bad about the food I intake, but this week has my brain going crazy.

I have a sort of eating disorder. I never admitted it, not even to myself, until about a couple months ago when I knew I was doing it and knew I was doing nothing stop myself. It hasn’t progressed to anything extremely serious, thank goodness, but it still is pretty serious. And it is all based in my mind.

If I don’t like that I am gaining weight, or my pants are fitting too tight, or I don’t even fit into clothes I once wore, or I am just being unhealthy and eating nothing but junk food, or if I am upset and think that the reason people don’t like me is because of my appearance, or if I just want to be in control of ONE thing in my life, I won’t eat. I won’t starve myself all day; I just will limit the amount of food I eat per meal or more often just eat about once a day.

A lot of it results from I don’t have time to go to the gym to workout or I’m too tired to go. Therefore, I don’t like the way my body looks to me. I know I’m not fat, but I just feel like I am sometimes. Again, all in my brain. I tell myself these things that make me feel bad, even if they aren’t true. It’s depressing.

Well, the last time I really deprived myself of eating was a couple months ago. I promised myself the last time that I wouldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t hurt my body like that. And I’ve kept that promise so far. But after this week, I can feel my mind working and thinking these thoughts again. I don’t like what I see in the mirror. I’ve been drinking so much. I’ve been eating so bad. I haven’t worked out. My pants looked so bad on me today. I can’t keep looking that way.

So my brain automatically tells me that I don’t need to eat anymore and that I’ve been eating too much so I don’t really need to eat anymore for the rest of the day…. or week. Probably for the whole week. But I plan to fight my brain this time. I don’t want to fall and cave into this pressure I’ve put on myself. I want to try and be healthy the right way! I need to start with my mind first though and that is going to be the hardest part.

It’s hard when everyone around you makes you feel alone. When your own family doesn’t want to spend much time with you and seems unphased by not seeing or speaking to you for days. When they ignore you to focus on other worldly things that are not of importance. When my friends do or say things that make you feel bad about yourself and not feel worthy of their friendship, pushing you to do things that you don’t feel comfortable doing. It is hard having extreme anxiety and doing things your friends want when all you want to do is stay home away from people. Then having to be a person of your word and commit to these things you said yes to… the pressure is difficult to keep up with. Plus, finding out someone you had strong feelings for never even thought of you as more than a friend can put you into a swirl of emotions. Hence the thoughts on not being good or pretty enough, driving me back to drinking or restricting myself from eating.

It’s a vicious cycle.

However, it is very refreshing to admit these things to myself. I’m glad I can actually be honest and know what my REAL flaws are that I need to work on. And the only thing that will really help me love myself and get through this is to trust God. I need to remember that he will help me at all times and that he is there even when I feel alone.

We are never alone! Just have to remind ourselves that God is with us.

I’ve written for almost a full month… documenting my life, emotions, and thoughts for 27 days now. I feel bare. Exposed. Open. Scared. Raw.

Nothing has changed, really. I think I entered this assuming that being honest with myself would change my heart or thoughts but nope. I’m still just as anxious, if not more, about my life and love.

I sometimes stop and wonder if I’m so nervous about finding love because I don’t want to be proven wrong. I’ve been so convinced for the longest time that love is a scam. Or at least the search for love is. Though, the process of loving is so incredibly difficult and made even more so by people constantly giving up and running because of the fear of commitment.

I can’t be with someone who is that way, especially since I need to be shown that my thoughts inaccurate. I know love is real. I see it everyday in different settings. But so many get hurt and heartbroken everyday that they can’t believe someone will take them in and accept them as they are.

That’s me. I think I’m about average as you can get on a scale of awkward to model. Who would want me? I’m a nervous wreck, I have morals and standards that are old fashioned and outdated for the times we live in, and I just don’t like to waste my time with people who can’t comprehend that they should treat others with respect. Nobody wants someone with those values anymore.

I can’t allow myself to fall in love and I can’t allow myself to marry anyone. I’ve seen the way people are when they are simply unhappy in their marriage. People who once swore that they were marrying their soulmate, their best friend, the person who understood them the most. How do things change? And why don’t people change with each other instead of choosing to leave the other behind?

I find it hard to believe that love can last so how do some people still manage to do it? That’s where I’m conflicted. I want that so bad, but I won’t let myself even get close to trying to find it. I want it to come to me so I know that it’s a guarantee. I’ll know that it’s worth it, that it’s true, and that I can go along with it. I can’t find it on my own. I haven’t thus far, so obviously something is wrong. But I don’t want the wrong thing to be me.

So no, my thoughts on love haven’t changed. In fact, I’m stagnant. I plan to be that way for a will too. And whoever will be fearless enough to scale the wall surrounding my heart can have it.

Time will tell.

I’m so poor right now. Monetarily, spiritually, emotionally… just poor. However, I’m so very fortunate that the previous statement isn’t extremely accurate. I’m blessed beyond measure. God provides for me. But I still FEEL poor.

My fortune cookie tonight said, “Flying is easy. Not hitting the ground is hard.” Why do those words resonate so much with me? I clearly understand them, but I couldn’t explain to a single soul what they mean. I know they mean something different to everybody. I honestly feel that I am living my life like that right now. I’m trying to fly, or live life in a right way, but I keep hitting the ground, or making mistakes and getting pushed down each time I strive to be better.

Every time I put in my head that I want to be better and do better, I end up failing. I don’t know if I have enough perseverance to continue. I’m weak.

I know God is with me. I know he is. But why do we have to live our lives constantly hitting the ground? We can fly but never long enough to feel the wind and see the sights. It’s always cut short.

I’m always trying to fill this void with people that don’t matter at all and it is so incredibly hard to get out of that habit. How do I change myself?

What does God want from me??? I wish I knew. I wish I could just do it now and I could be closer to him. I’m tired of feeling so far away. I don’t know how to find him in the mess other than the basic sense of knowing he is helping me through it. But I want more than that. Or should that be enough?

I’m hitting the ground again… these questions make me hit the ground. Maybe God wants me to keep falling so one day I can knock some sense into myself. I wouldn’t be surprised… after all this time, I’ve learned his humor is worse than mine.

I can’t seem to comprehend why I think back to my mistakes and then let them consume me until I feel bad. Why do I do that?! It’s like I can’t let go of things even though I try so hard. I don’t need to be thinking about the past. Obviously whatever was left behind had to be removed from my life for a reason.

Why can’t I just move on? Why do I still think about someone I dated 2 years ago? Why do people still ask me about him? Why does it bother me when they do? Do I still love him? Am I still IN love with him?

I can answer most of those questions with “I don’t know.” But the last 2 are the most important. So, yes and no. I wish it was no for both, but I genuinely feel that once you have truly loved someone, a real and honest love, you can’t just throw it away. Some type of love or care will remain. If not, then it’s the memories.

I wish I could get away from them. Sometimes I wish I could just forget the entire relationship and pretend nothing ever happened to me. I never got my heart broken. I never got hurt. My thoughts on love and marriage didn’t change.

I just want to move on and not have to ever see or hear about him again.

I don’t know what I believe in anymore. I mean I know what I BELIEVE in, but I don’t know what I’m really a believer of. I feel like I’m finally being myself again, but a lot of what I do contradicts my beliefs. Or maybe it doesn’t? What if I just don’t know what comes along with my beliefs? I’m just lost.

I want to find him. I want to find God. And I can’t do it here. I can’t be constantly surrounded by noise! It’s so hard for me to keep my heart set on him that I end up failing by constantly getting distracted. It’s so hard!!!!

I know I should want to find God to find love. I know when I reach him that will mean that I have ultimately reached a love within myself. But part of me wants to reach him so that I can finally find the man that is right for me. I just have this thought that he will come after I get to God. And I don’t even know if that is true and I did know that isn’t the reason I should be pursuing God.

What if he’s using this internal desire to pull me close? Like someone using their bad characteristics in a positive way? I’m still just struggling to reach him.

At the rate I’m going, I’ll never find a man. I know, I know; it’s not up to me or my timing. I just can’t help feeling that way inside. Why must this be so hard?