Days 134-137. The New York Times posted a request for 13 word love stories. Here are mine:

Coworkers then friends. Woke up one day and thought, “Crap I like him.”

We laugh at the same jokes. Nobody has ever made me laugh hard.

Same thoughts in mind. I never have to worry about him judging me.

I couldn’t make up my mind. He was patient and waited for me.

I think his mom is so cool. I guess we can get married.

**************************************

I really love this guy. He’s a sweetheart. He’s so good to me and I honestly want to run away. I’m afraid of messing things up. I’m scared that I’ll break his heart.

Sometimes I question whether I really love him or just am using him because he is nice to me. But I know those are my anxieties consuming my mind.

I don’t want to throw this away. But what if I’m not that attracted to him? What if I get tired of him? What if I just want to be on my own?

But then I remember love is a choice. He is choosing to love me as I am. He doesn’t give me up when I have these thoughts. He calms me down when we talk. He reminds me that he will continue to love me everyday, even when it’s hard.

That’s how I know.

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Days 132-133.

I have no words to describe the love I have in my heart. God is so good, in the heavens and in the flesh.

Rather than try to explain my emotions, I will share this article that I came across randomly and hope that it touches others in the same way that it touched me right when I needed it.

http://huffp.st/IlyQaHi

 

Days 129-131. I feel like I’m living in a dream! On cloud 9 right now…

I’m in love. Not just any kind of love either; this is a love that I’ve never experienced.

It’s true that each love is different. But sometimes you find a love that is so comfortable and caring and sweet that you can’t really explain it or put it into words.

I love this man.

I don’t know what’s in store for us in the future, but for once in my life I’m not worrying about the future! I’m enjoying the present.

I’m not time traveling. I’m not focusing on things going on at a different time. I’m just happy where I am now.

He cares about me. He thinks of me. He wants me happy. He encourages me to be a nicer and more patient person. He doesn’t rush me into anything. He makes me laugh. He hugs me when I cry.

He loves me.

And I don’t ever want him to let me go.

It’s weird that I am in this spot… I would have never guessed I’d ever be here. Not with him, not in my life. I didn’t believe in this type of love.

And I thank God every waking moment for letting me experience this type of love.

I don’t know where we will end up. I don’t know if I’ll get hurt. But even if I do, I honestly believe it would be worth it.

He is worth it.

I haven’t written in a week! This is the longest I’ve gone without posting.

I’ve been busy falling in love.

He’s amazing.

I’m nervous thinking about him.

I’m scared to get into something knowing the risks.

But I’m still falling.

And I still want to reach that destination with him.

Love is a funny, crazy, incredible thing.

Navigating through the murky waters of love. I’m tired of hurting others and I’m tired of being hurt.

I still haven’t been convinced.

I am constantly reminded of the character “Summer” from the movie “100 Days of Summer”… I feel that I resemble her so much with my actions when it comes to men.

Am I wrong though? Either I shut everybody out completely, or I give someone a chance and end up not feeling it while they end up failing deeply for me and then I hurt them when I tell them I’m no longer interested.

I think I’d rather be alone forever than ever hurt someone again. I dont want to be a “lesson” and I don’t want their mindsets on love to be changed because of me.

I don’t get why I get so caught up and try to make things work, then just back out. It’s almost as if nobody is ever for me… nobody is ever exactly what I’m looking for.

Do I need to change my standards? I know I don’t ask for much… but I feel like what I need is impossible in this day and age.

I simply want a man who is devoted to God. That’s all.

Why is that so hard to find?

Day 117. Lost as ever. Will I ever be found?

I am in a perpetual shitstorm.

Nobody knows.

I won’t make it public knowledge.

I only complain to the same 3 people. They are tired of me.

I’m tired of me.

I hate myself for the things I do. The actions I take. The mistakes I make.

I’m just tired of feeling like crap.

I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of saying I’m tired.

I want to start over.

What does that even look like?

I know you’re there God. I know you’re waiting for me to come back to you. But I don’t see you anymore. I got too lost and can’t find my next destination.

I need rest.

I had the biggest epiphany today.

I have one of the sweetest men in the entire world who is very much interested in me and wants me with all of his heart. Instead of being happy and accepting him, I keep trying to push him away. Why do I do that?

One, I feel that I am supposed to be with what I’VE always wanted, not what God wants for me. Two, I am afraid and don’t feel worthy of his pure love for me.

He has been one of my closest friends for the past year and a half. He knows me. He knows how I am when I’m stressed. He knows what I look like when my hair isn’t combed or I didn’t want to put on any make-up. He knows my hobbies and my interests and shares them with me. He knows my music likes and listens to much of the same. He knows my type of humor and laughs with me, not AT me. He sees my heart and my intentions and knows that I am true to my word. And he still wants me.

I know him too. I know how he is when he’s angry. I know how he is when he’s tired. I know that he has one of the biggest hearts of anyone I’ve ever had the chance to be friends with and will literally give me his shirt to wear when I don’t have one (because he’s done it before). He hasn’t changed and I know he won’t ever change.

Yet part of me is expecting that he will. Part of me keeps pushing him away because I’m so afraid that this will end up bad. I keep telling him to “be himself” because I half expect that he will change into a huge douchebag just like everyone else has with me in the past. But he won’t.

So how do I get myself to stop thinking this way? How do I just accept love?

What if he isn’t even who God has planned for me? But what if he is?

I need a sign. A CLEAR SIGN. I might not get it, but maybe I will.

If only God were a magician…. just kidding. I know he’s looking out for me.

All good things come from him.