Days 92-94. God is so good. If those words could be believed by everyone, all issues would be solved. We would all be healed. We would all feel loved. Nobody would be lonely…

I went to Encounter this weekend and I left different completely changed. I am not the same person I once was and I am so proud of that! I don’t understand why anyone would ever want to stay the same their entire life. It’s okay to change. It’s okay to move on from others and realize that common interests are no longer similar. That is all okay!! But we sometimes get scared that our change will not be accepted by others or liked by those around us so we hide it. We fake our feelings, interactions, likes, attitude, even our emotions to please others who DON’T even matter half the time or even stay in contact with us. So why do we care? Why do we need their approval?

Shouldn’t we be trying to seek the approval of God instead? Isn’t that the only person we should ever try to impress? So why don’t we? Why is it so hard for others to believe in the existence of the greatest thing, simply because they don’t want to fathom having to follow “rules” or beliefs that contradict their lifestyle? How could anyone not care enough about their own soul that they wouldn’t want to do anything to help themselves?

I can’t stop caring. I can’t deny God’s presence in my life and within my heart. He entered my heart this weekend and made a home there with no plans to leave. I AM changed. I will continue to change! And I’m okay with that. Everyone else needs to be too.

Advertisements

Days 89-91. I have to get this off my chest. I am drowning. I am struggling. I am stressed. I am broken. I am tired. I am lonely.

I think the last statement isn’t entirely accurate. I FEEL lonely is a better way of expressing that feeling. How often are we around people all day and feel alone? Feel like nobody understands what we’re going through? Feel like there’s no point in trying to express yourself of explain what’s going on. I am there right now.

I don’t think there is any way to accurately express in enough detail the things that I am dealing with on a daily basis at work due to us being relocated because of the hurricane. Something new and crazy happens everyday.

Since Monday to today (Thursday), one of my favorite kids has been arrested and will likely be locked up for many years, one of the cheerleaders on my squad got into a fight and is now off the team, I haven’t had a chance to simply plan with my team about what we are teaching and our new teachers are completely lost, my students aren’t comprehending information I’m trying to teach them without a working computer/internet or a projector, I have woken up to news that my former student went missing, and I have averaged a max of 6 hours of sleep per night.

It’s been very hard adjusting to our new building. I am grateful for my best friends for letting my vent and get my mind off of work. I am trying to do better about not using my phone in front of my kids or around friends. I want to be mindful of their time.

I’m still working on being patient and listening to others. I am not completely there, but small steps will help.

Days 86-88. I don’t understand why certain things happen to undeserving people. I know choices are made and consequences are given, but honestly, how often do we bother to actually listen to the stories of people before we place judgement on them? Rarely, if ever.

People judge you based on your looks, thoughts, words, actions, work-ethic, choices, how you treat others, and the list goes on. And what do we do in return? Judge them back. We don’t try to understand anyone. We already have our minds made up and how sad is that when we don’t even know the full story.

We don’t know if the person next to us is dealing with issues related to their homes, families, work, friends, health, school, etc. We just jump to conclusions and base people off of someone else’s description. Rarely do we even give people a first chance, let alone a second one.

Why are we like that?

I’ve been thinking about my kids a lot. I’ve been thinking about my team a lot. I’ve been thinking about our building a lot. And I’m trying to put these practices into effect.

How can I listen to each person I work with and not give them a chance? It’s unfair.

All we need to do is be sympathetic and empathize with those we come across. And really, just listening does the greatest good.

I am dedicating myself to take more time to listen. Actually listen and pay attention. I want people to feel alive and good when they speak to me or come across my path. If I’d expect that from others, then I must do it too.

I think I’ve finally accepted that I don’t NEED to have someone to love. I don’t NEED to look for someone. I also don’t NEED to sit by and wait for them to come to me. If something is meant to be, it WILL be. And that’s all there is to know.

There isn’t too much I have to do besides continue to live and be myself. I have decided that I will be myself despite what other people think. I don’t care to please anyone anymore. I wonder why I ever did to begin with…

I know I am a hard worker. I know when I speak I should expect to own up to my words as well. I don’t mind people questioning me based on things they don’t know because I will own up and explain myself. If they choose to not agree or accept things, then so be it. I can’t force anyone to like me or think a certain way about me. And I don’t care to stand by and try to convince them of anything either.

I am me. That is the only person that I can be. I’ve started to feel more comfortable showing who I truly am with people I work with, friends I spend my time with, people I date, and those I simply come across on a daily basis. It’s hard sometimes to bare yourself to the world… to let others see you and have them not like something.

I’ve learn to take it. I know that people will talk about me behind my back and say things that I don’t agree with, but they believe because they simply don’t like me for who I am. I have to be ok with that. It’s hard, but it’s a must.

I’m not good with writing when everything is going bad. That’s probably when I should write the most, but it’s hard.

The transition from our school to the new building we are in has been more than rough. I cannot express how tough it has been to manage. Hurricane Harvey did more damage than what is visible on tv or the internet. Nobody really understands how much of a change we have had to make.

I don’t like coming to work anymore. I don’t like pretending that everything is okay or will get better when it continuously gets worse. And I definitely don’t enjoy not knowing what will happen from day to day.

We are living in a mystery and trying our best just to survive. I don’t know how anyone expects us to teach without necessary resources. I really don’t know how anyone expects our students to learn when they have to spend each day worrying about new things that they didn’t have to worry about before. Constantly stressed. Always tired.

It’s hard. I feel like I’m failing at what I’m doing. I don’t even know if I want to continue working in this anymore. How do I know I’m even helping these students?

Tomorrow is a new day.

Days 76-78. I had to get out of town to relax and refresh my mind. Work has me crazy beyond belief. I’m emotionally stressed and finally broke down Friday after holding it together all week.

I’m so tired.

But, I did finally have a chance to come and visit my dad and grandpa. It has been almost a year since dad moved in with grandpa to care for him. Over the course of these months, I have finally realized what people with no father’s must feel daily. It’s difficult. Only I think it’s worse for people who were once so close to their dad’s to then go from seeing them everyday to maybe once a month, twice if you’re lucky. I hate having to resort to texting my father “goodnight” or “good morning” when I was once able to give him a peck on the cheek and tell him “see ya later” instead.

I miss little things such as drinking a cup of coffee with him, or dancing outside to new music he’s discovered. It makes me cry.

Yet one thing that has come of this experience is me being more appreciative of the things I have in life. Of knowing that everything doesn’t last forever and I should appreciate small moments that may seem irrelevant to others, but have such an impact on the mind and heart that they are nearly impossible to ignore.

I love my father. I love his quirkiness. I love his tendencies to ask me to make the weirdest foods/deserts. I love that he loves coffee as much as me. I love how he will always be up for getting ice cream with me, even if it’s at 10 in the evening. I love his laugh. I love his serious tone of voice. I even love his snore when he falls asleep on the recliner.

He is the person that has molded me into the human I am now. He has impacted me to the point where I am not afraid to be myself and I will never be too shy to speak my mind. He doesn’t know the word “embarrassment” and always thinks that honesty is essential.

I am my father’s daughter. I am quirky. I am too loud at times. I never let people leave my presence without expressing my true thoughts. I have a voice because of my father. I have a personality because of my father. I have love because of my father.

Even if he isn’t always with me physically, I carry him in my heart and soul everywhere I go.

Days 74-75. I know this is repetitive of me because I have written about it before, but I am experiencing it again. I almost feel bad saying it… guilty in a sort of way.

It’s hard having people like me that I don’t like in return. Especially when they are friends. Not only friends, but close friends that you see often.

I know, I know. Poor me, having so many people interested in me when some people aren’t even noticed. But in a way I’m not being noticed. Not by the right person at least.

I’m not too sure what it is that these friends supposedly “see” in me that makes them like me as much as they do. I don’t think they see the real me. Or maybe they do and that’s what makes them fall for me. Though I would be willing to bet that the majority of them just like the surface me, not what’s inside and most important. And it hurts.

These are people that supposedly know me and if THEY can only see the surface of me, what hope do I have in waiting for another man to find the good in me? It seems impossible.

My heart is heavy tonight. So much has happened and is happening right now that I wish I had someone there for me. Yet I don’t even know if I would let them in. I don’t want to hurt anybody. It breaks my heart thinking that these people who like me are feeling rejected from me and that I could be the reason they in turn close themselves off from others. I wouldn’t want anyone to be like me and shut everybody out.

And that’s not even the only thing getting to me. I have stress related symptoms (most likely PTSD) from the hurricane and am still having recurring nightmares about the flood. I’ve been waking up just about every other night from nightmares about my house and classroom destroyed. I just want to move on from this. It’s so hard.

Work has been difficult in this new building and that has added to the stress already piled up. I just want to sleep for 5 days.

To top it off, I miss my dad. I want him to be home. He is the only stable and constant male figure in my life that shows me what true and faithful love is.

No matter how many people want me or how long we have known each other, I won’t settle.