I don’t want to write this one. I don’t like to talk about this at all, but it bothers me so much and I am tired of pushing it to the back of my mind. I just have to let it out.

I keep getting these feelings of wanting to go back to denying myself of eating. Restricting my food intake. Back to my old ways of skipping meals in order to control my weight. I’ve been fighting it off for almost a month now, but it’s getting worse. Every time I eat, I have that nagging voice in the back of my head telling me that I don’t need that meal, that I can focus my attention on something else to ignore my hunger, that I will be ok without the “extra” food for the day.

I’ve been doing well lately ignoring the urges to start up again. Although I’m not pleased with my weight right now and a bit frustrated by what I see in the mirror, I refuse to go back to that dark place. I am struggling though, almost like trying to swim through waves that keep crashing down on me. But when you have been that low, every little bit of progress is a celebration.

Self-love begins with acknowledging that God created me in his image. Praising him for allowing me to have things I take for granted and complain about everyday, like my hair or my legs, even down to the smallest things like my eyebrows. I need to change the way I talk about myself and TO myself. Change my thoughts to make them positive. Refrain from beating myself up when I eat things that aren’t the best choice and reminding myself that it’s ok to indulge every once in a while. Remembering that I am human and I am not perfect. Cutting comparisons between myself and others that aren’t even relevant! Simply enjoying my life and being happy with the decisions I make about my body and soul.

I can’t fall again; I refuse to do so. I will conquer this one small baby step at a time.