Archives for posts with tag: Dad

Day 113. Listening to Band of Horses. One of my all time favorite songs is “The Funeral.” It’s sooooo good. No idea what the song means, but it’s still great.

In other news, I miss my father. I was planning to go and visit him this weekend, but I didn’t get my oil changed because of my stupid anxiety. Now I can’t see him until God knows when. And it makes me cry. My heart breaks from not getting to see him daily.

I’m tired of trying to navigate through life without him. It’s rough to try to understand things that are happening but not having a person to talk it out with.

I feel bad for people who take advantage of their parents. I especially feel bad for those people who don’t know the blessing it is to even have parents.

Cherish your family and understand that they want the best for you. I’m convinced of it.

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Days 76-78. I had to get out of town to relax and refresh my mind. Work has me crazy beyond belief. I’m emotionally stressed and finally broke down Friday after holding it together all week.

I’m so tired.

But, I did finally have a chance to come and visit my dad and grandpa. It has been almost a year since dad moved in with grandpa to care for him. Over the course of these months, I have finally realized what people with no father’s must feel daily. It’s difficult. Only I think it’s worse for people who were once so close to their dad’s to then go from seeing them everyday to maybe once a month, twice if you’re lucky. I hate having to resort to texting my father “goodnight” or “good morning” when I was once able to give him a peck on the cheek and tell him “see ya later” instead.

I miss little things such as drinking a cup of coffee with him, or dancing outside to new music he’s discovered. It makes me cry.

Yet one thing that has come of this experience is me being more appreciative of the things I have in life. Of knowing that everything doesn’t last forever and I should appreciate small moments that may seem irrelevant to others, but have such an impact on the mind and heart that they are nearly impossible to ignore.

I love my father. I love his quirkiness. I love his tendencies to ask me to make the weirdest foods/deserts. I love that he loves coffee as much as me. I love how he will always be up for getting ice cream with me, even if it’s at 10 in the evening. I love his laugh. I love his serious tone of voice. I even love his snore when he falls asleep on the recliner.

He is the person that has molded me into the human I am now. He has impacted me to the point where I am not afraid to be myself and I will never be too shy to speak my mind. He doesn’t know the word “embarrassment” and always thinks that honesty is essential.

I am my father’s daughter. I am quirky. I am too loud at times. I never let people leave my presence without expressing my true thoughts. I have a voice because of my father. I have a personality because of my father. I have love because of my father.

Even if he isn’t always with me physically, I carry him in my heart and soul everywhere I go.

Days 74-75. I know this is repetitive of me because I have written about it before, but I am experiencing it again. I almost feel bad saying it… guilty in a sort of way.

It’s hard having people like me that I don’t like in return. Especially when they are friends. Not only friends, but close friends that you see often.

I know, I know. Poor me, having so many people interested in me when some people aren’t even noticed. But in a way I’m not being noticed. Not by the right person at least.

I’m not too sure what it is that these friends supposedly “see” in me that makes them like me as much as they do. I don’t think they see the real me. Or maybe they do and that’s what makes them fall for me. Though I would be willing to bet that the majority of them just like the surface me, not what’s inside and most important. And it hurts.

These are people that supposedly know me and if THEY can only see the surface of me, what hope do I have in waiting for another man to find the good in me? It seems impossible.

My heart is heavy tonight. So much has happened and is happening right now that I wish I had someone there for me. Yet I don’t even know if I would let them in. I don’t want to hurt anybody. It breaks my heart thinking that these people who like me are feeling rejected from me and that I could be the reason they in turn close themselves off from others. I wouldn’t want anyone to be like me and shut everybody out.

And that’s not even the only thing getting to me. I have stress related symptoms (most likely PTSD) from the hurricane and am still having recurring nightmares about the flood. I’ve been waking up just about every other night from nightmares about my house and classroom destroyed. I just want to move on from this. It’s so hard.

Work has been difficult in this new building and that has added to the stress already piled up. I just want to sleep for 5 days.

To top it off, I miss my dad. I want him to be home. He is the only stable and constant male figure in my life that shows me what true and faithful love is.

No matter how many people want me or how long we have known each other, I won’t settle.

This week has been so hectic. With work, trying to help others on the side, still trying to balance a social life, and caring for my family, there seems to barely be time for anything. However, if I’ve learned something over these past few days, it’s that I need to make time for what’s important.

Over the past 2 weeks, close friends to the family lost 2 family members within days of each other. I can’t imagine the heartache they must feel. My dad, being a close friend to one of the deceased, came into town to attend the services. Having him home, even if just for one night, feels right. He is missed here. But he has shown his sense of humor and thoughtfulness for us in everything he does.

I heard a wonderful quote tonight that said, “your heart will never be big until you open it.” I can’t help but think that out describes my father so perfectly. He is a walking ball of emotions. And he has no issue sharing them either. I want to follow his example. When I go somewhere, I want to be confident and make a new friend by striking up a random conversation, just as he does. I want to know so many people that others will look at each other and wonder how I am linked to everyone in the room, just as he is.

I must follow his footsteps. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I didn’t.