Archives for posts with tag: eatingdisorder

Days 44 & 45. I didn’t make it the full month. I barely made it half a month. I was just so stressed and tired and peer pressured to drink today that I gave up my attempt dry August.

I feel like garbage. I don’t want to drink anymore… I really, truly wanted to give it up forever. It is just SO hard. Literally, it is a challenge for me to not do it for an extended period of time. I could do it on my own, but once I’m around the presence of others, that’s where I fail.

I want to disappear. I don’t want to exist within this world anymore. I want to take a break from all of the people, but I know it’s not possible at the moment. Everyone just challenges me, and maybe I even challenge myself a bit more, but I just can’t handle things. I’m failing as usual.

I can’t run away though. I have to face this struggle head on. And it’s hard, but it’ll get done.

I don’t want to write this one. I don’t like to talk about this at all, but it bothers me so much and I am tired of pushing it to the back of my mind. I just have to let it out.

I keep getting these feelings of wanting to go back to denying myself of eating. Restricting my food intake. Back to my old ways of skipping meals in order to control my weight. I’ve been fighting it off for almost a month now, but it’s getting worse. Every time I eat, I have that nagging voice in the back of my head telling me that I don’t need that meal, that I can focus my attention on something else to ignore my hunger, that I will be ok without the “extra” food for the day.

I’ve been doing well lately ignoring the urges to start up again. Although I’m not pleased with my weight right now and a bit frustrated by what I see in the mirror, I refuse to go back to that dark place. I am struggling though, almost like trying to swim through waves that keep crashing down on me. But when you have been that low, every little bit of progress is a celebration.

Self-love begins with acknowledging that God created me in his image. Praising him for allowing me to have things I take for granted and complain about everyday, like my hair or my legs, even down to the smallest things like my eyebrows. I need to change the way I talk about myself and TO myself. Change my thoughts to make them positive. Refrain from beating myself up when I eat things that aren’t the best choice and reminding myself that it’s ok to indulge every once in a while. Remembering that I am human and I am not perfect. Cutting comparisons between myself and others that aren’t even relevant! Simply enjoying my life and being happy with the decisions I make about my body and soul.

I can’t fall again; I refuse to do so. I will conquer this one small baby step at a time.

I normally wouldn’t wait 3 days to write, but these 3 days needed to be clumped together. I’ve been screwing up a lot. Failing myself mainly. I want to be strong and not drink anymore, but it is hard. I finally realized the crappy cycle that I put myself through, and it hurts me knowing that I am the one making the decisions that lead me into these feelings and thoughts about myself and my body.

I have been really stressed out with everything going on with family and now with work starting up again. Apparently I forgot that I was going to put myself through a spiritual journey this summer because summer is basically over and I have done NOTHING. Instead, I’ve started drinking a lot. Not A LOT a lot, but more than what I normally do. This week I managed to drink once everyday for 7 days in a row. I’m really proud of myself for hurting my kidneys and liver and pushing myself to a point of exhaustion and unhealthiness where I feel like absolute crap. Oh yeah, it’s been a blast…….. Said no one ever.

I ate like garbage this entire week with my family in town and wanting to go out every night. I had actually been doing well with not feeling bad about the food I intake, but this week has my brain going crazy.

I have a sort of eating disorder. I never admitted it, not even to myself, until about a couple months ago when I knew I was doing it and knew I was doing nothing stop myself. It hasn’t progressed to anything extremely serious, thank goodness, but it still is pretty serious. And it is all based in my mind.

If I don’t like that I am gaining weight, or my pants are fitting too tight, or I don’t even fit into clothes I once wore, or I am just being unhealthy and eating nothing but junk food, or if I am upset and think that the reason people don’t like me is because of my appearance, or if I just want to be in control of ONE thing in my life, I won’t eat. I won’t starve myself all day; I just will limit the amount of food I eat per meal or more often just eat about once a day.

A lot of it results from I don’t have time to go to the gym to workout or I’m too tired to go. Therefore, I don’t like the way my body looks to me. I know I’m not fat, but I just feel like I am sometimes. Again, all in my brain. I tell myself these things that make me feel bad, even if they aren’t true. It’s depressing.

Well, the last time I really deprived myself of eating was a couple months ago. I promised myself the last time that I wouldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t hurt my body like that. And I’ve kept that promise so far. But after this week, I can feel my mind working and thinking these thoughts again. I don’t like what I see in the mirror. I’ve been drinking so much. I’ve been eating so bad. I haven’t worked out. My pants looked so bad on me today. I can’t keep looking that way.

So my brain automatically tells me that I don’t need to eat anymore and that I’ve been eating too much so I don’t really need to eat anymore for the rest of the day…. or week. Probably for the whole week. But I plan to fight my brain this time. I don’t want to fall and cave into this pressure I’ve put on myself. I want to try and be healthy the right way! I need to start with my mind first though and that is going to be the hardest part.

It’s hard when everyone around you makes you feel alone. When your own family doesn’t want to spend much time with you and seems unphased by not seeing or speaking to you for days. When they ignore you to focus on other worldly things that are not of importance. When my friends do or say things that make you feel bad about yourself and not feel worthy of their friendship, pushing you to do things that you don’t feel comfortable doing. It is hard having extreme anxiety and doing things your friends want when all you want to do is stay home away from people. Then having to be a person of your word and commit to these things you said yes to… the pressure is difficult to keep up with. Plus, finding out someone you had strong feelings for never even thought of you as more than a friend can put you into a swirl of emotions. Hence the thoughts on not being good or pretty enough, driving me back to drinking or restricting myself from eating.

It’s a vicious cycle.

However, it is very refreshing to admit these things to myself. I’m glad I can actually be honest and know what my REAL flaws are that I need to work on. And the only thing that will really help me love myself and get through this is to trust God. I need to remember that he will help me at all times and that he is there even when I feel alone.

We are never alone! Just have to remind ourselves that God is with us.