Archives for posts with tag: eatingdisorder

Days 96-100. Currently listening to the song titled “Placed on Hold” by Mutemath. I was asked to describe my love life in 3 words yesterday and I feel as though those words would suffice. The other 3 words would be “On God’s Time.” I know God wants me to wait; he’s told me so. He tells me each time I try to make feelings pop up out of thin air for random guys who are nice to me. Just because they are nice and good doesn’t mean they are meant for me. There are tons of kind people who I don’t need to be with. That shouldn’t be the only gauge in welcoming someone to my life.

I’m on hold. I’m not the best version of myself yet. I’m trying to get there on my own but I’m struggling. Sometimes I just want someone so that I know there will always be someone to like me when I don’t like myself, but I know things don’t work that way.

I need to love myself. I just struggle doing so.

Work has been progressively getting more stressful. I’m trying to stay positive, but it is hard to keep the optimism up. Especially when you also aren’t enjoying what you see in the mirror.

I’ve been stress eating and haven’t been able to workout since my gym got flooded and never reopened. All this food is adding pounds and I don’t enjoy looking at myself anymore. The feelings and urges of withholding food from myself are coming back. They’ve been tempting me, however I have been fighting the urge. It’s REALLY hard though.

Tonight, as I read what I’ve written days ago, I am saddened because of the way I see myself and the choices I’ve made these past couple of days. I spent all day between sleep and feeling sick from having 3 drinks last night and being so behind on sleep. My body no longer bounces back like before. I am tired all the time to the point where I feel sick. I just want rest. I want to know that I am not wasting my time doing nothing. That all this time I’m pouring into work isn’t in vain or a waste. I just want to feel that I don’t feel this way without reason.

It lies hard on my soul thinking non-stop day and night that I am not being seen as valuable. What more can I be doing? I don’t want to take my blessings for granted. I’ve been failing constantly and not working hard enough to fight all temptations that come my way.

I need a fresh start. I must genuinely ask God for forgiveness then wake up and try again. I can’t go through the motions anymore. I have to do better and be better.

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Day 73. Our second day at work went well. I think my kids are feeling a slight bit better around our new building. Or maybe I just want to believe that so I won’t feel bad anymore about the move. I have them journaling about their experiences, so hopefully time will tell.

In other news, I failed yet again at getting back on my healthy eating kick. I want to believe that I was doing a great job at clean eating before, but I don’t know how accurate that is. I do know that I was definitely eating way better compared to how I am now. And again, the nagging voice is coming back to my mind. I’m literally on the road to eating myself to death.

I know that this stupid eating disorder isn’t going away in the next day or week or even year. It is constantly trying to convince me that I am undesirable if I’m not at the weight I want to be. If my face is too round or my arms are too chunky to fit into my sleeves, I start to stress. Then with all added stress, I start to stress eat and everything just goes downhill from there.

I can’t let myself continue on this unhealthy path. I honestly don’t care if I’m big or thin, I just want to be happy and healthy without fear of any health related issues.

I find myself trying to prove that I can still get the attention of men even though I am not as skinny as I once was. As attractive as I once was. As happy as I once was… And then I end up making poor choices or teasing people or leading them on knowing full well they do not interest me and I won’t want to pursue. This is one thing I have stopped doing unless I’ve been drinking, which is another story for another time.

I know that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I know I need to completely love myself before getting to be with someone else and I can do that. However I know that this is also a process that will take a long time.

I have to learn to fully love and accept myself so I can continue to fight these battles and temptations. I also know that I need to love myself so that I can give my students a good example of how to do so.

If it needs to be for them before doing for myself, then I will get it done. I will not give up.

Days 69 & 70. Yesterday was the worst day ever, but there were some positives. Going to work and getting nothing done was frustrating and stressful. Coming home to “rest” and not being able to sleep was draining. Then getting up to go right back to work and do it all over again was crushing.

Yes, I cried. Again. I’ve cried everyday since Tuesday. I’m overwhelmed. I’m upset. I’m angry. I’m frustrated. I’m tired. I’m not okay.

It has been tough going in and not knowing what to expect each day. Not knowing if we even have a classroom to set up. Not knowing if we will even have students to teach. Not many people understand what we have been experiencing because they haven’t been through it themselves. But imagine being in your home, a place you are comfortable in, a place you’ve invested so much time and money to make feel comfortable and inviting, all to move into a new building that you don’t know, with half of your belongings because most were lost in the flood. It’s unimaginable, but it’s been reality for us.

My anxiety attacks made a surprise comeback. Today was my breaking point. I couldn’t breathe. I was close to passing out. All I wanted to do was vomit. I had to force myself to eat. I had to be reminded to breathe. People had to help me calm down.

Still, only a handful of people knew that I was not okay. How is it possible that I can be so broken, so unstable, so sick, and nobody even notices?

It has dawned on me: PEOPLE GO THROUGH THIS EVERY SINGLE DAY.

My own friends haven’t even checked on me. And they know what’s going on. They just do NOT care. And that’s sad.

I have people who don’t even know me and have been checking in on me, offering to help me, making sure I am fed and take breaks, and supporting me so that I don’t feel like I am broken. Thank God for angels on earth. THANK YOU GOD FOR GOOD PEOPLE!

As hard as this week has been, I would do it again in a heartbeat for my students. We have been through hell this week, and though it would never be a conscious choice, I know that each of us would suffer again if we knew it would help our students feel comfortable and loved.

I don’t know what to expect on Monday. I don’t know how many of my students will return. I don’t know how they will act, if they will be different, if they will even speak about the recent events. I don’t know anything.

I do know that I will be better for them. I will not let my stresses prevent me from loving them. I will not allow my anger and sadness affect my positive attitude with them. I will be the best me that I can be.

I know that small steps must be taken. I know that if I want to be the best me mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, I need to love myself and allow myself a sense of grace and understanding. I know I need to be patient with myself. I know that recovery isn’t a one-day thing.

I’m still struggling with thoughts of starving myself again. I’m still fighting the urge to allow people to disrespect me and my morals, forcing love to happen when it isn’t meant to. I still don’t believe I’m good enough to teach my students and don’t believe I can make a difference. But I will not give in. I won’t cave. I’ve fought it this long and I can keep going. I refuse to allow myself to fall back into that dark place.

Everyday is a new day full of choices and small steps. If God grants me a new day of life, I’ll continue to strive for a better me. I will continue to praise God in the hardest times, through all storms and the calmest days.

I will make it. I will. Everything is going to be okay.

I am changed.

Anxiety once had me down. An eating disorder once controlled me. Depression once kept me from allowing me to see my self-worth.

I am changed.

I’ve seen pain in people’s eyes who have lost everything from the hurricane. I’ve seen people in despair, desperate to feed and clothe their children. I’ve seen people who have lost hope and do not allow themselves to be fully loved by God, choosing instead to live on the streets rather than accept help. I have helped these people, fed these people, clothed these people, spoken to these people, hugged these people…

I am changed.

I am fortunate, but I have still lost, just like the rest of those living within this city and throughout our great state. My school is gone. My classroom that I worked so hard to get ready… gone. My students have lost more than me though. Their homes, cars, belongings… gone.

I am changed.

I don’t know what this new adventure will bring. I don’t know if I can look at my students in the face and bring them hope. I don’t know if I will even be able to teach them anything this year. I don’t know how much longer I can stay strong.

But I am changed.

My heart is different.

I will not accept failure anymore. I won’t stand for anything that doesn’t bring goodness and hope. I won’t allow my spirit to be brought down anymore. I will try my best to remain positive. Above all, I will trust God and know that his will is greater than any other plan I had for myself.

I am changed. And I won’t go back to the way I was before.

Days 44 & 45. I didn’t make it the full month. I barely made it half a month. I was just so stressed and tired and peer pressured to drink today that I gave up my attempt dry August.

I feel like garbage. I don’t want to drink anymore… I really, truly wanted to give it up forever. It is just SO hard. Literally, it is a challenge for me to not do it for an extended period of time. I could do it on my own, but once I’m around the presence of others, that’s where I fail.

I want to disappear. I don’t want to exist within this world anymore. I want to take a break from all of the people, but I know it’s not possible at the moment. Everyone just challenges me, and maybe I even challenge myself a bit more, but I just can’t handle things. I’m failing as usual.

I can’t run away though. I have to face this struggle head on. And it’s hard, but it’ll get done.

I don’t want to write this one. I don’t like to talk about this at all, but it bothers me so much and I am tired of pushing it to the back of my mind. I just have to let it out.

I keep getting these feelings of wanting to go back to denying myself of eating. Restricting my food intake. Back to my old ways of skipping meals in order to control my weight. I’ve been fighting it off for almost a month now, but it’s getting worse. Every time I eat, I have that nagging voice in the back of my head telling me that I don’t need that meal, that I can focus my attention on something else to ignore my hunger, that I will be ok without the “extra” food for the day.

I’ve been doing well lately ignoring the urges to start up again. Although I’m not pleased with my weight right now and a bit frustrated by what I see in the mirror, I refuse to go back to that dark place. I am struggling though, almost like trying to swim through waves that keep crashing down on me. But when you have been that low, every little bit of progress is a celebration.

Self-love begins with acknowledging that God created me in his image. Praising him for allowing me to have things I take for granted and complain about everyday, like my hair or my legs, even down to the smallest things like my eyebrows. I need to change the way I talk about myself and TO myself. Change my thoughts to make them positive. Refrain from beating myself up when I eat things that aren’t the best choice and reminding myself that it’s ok to indulge every once in a while. Remembering that I am human and I am not perfect. Cutting comparisons between myself and others that aren’t even relevant! Simply enjoying my life and being happy with the decisions I make about my body and soul.

I can’t fall again; I refuse to do so. I will conquer this one small baby step at a time.

I normally wouldn’t wait 3 days to write, but these 3 days needed to be clumped together. I’ve been screwing up a lot. Failing myself mainly. I want to be strong and not drink anymore, but it is hard. I finally realized the crappy cycle that I put myself through, and it hurts me knowing that I am the one making the decisions that lead me into these feelings and thoughts about myself and my body.

I have been really stressed out with everything going on with family and now with work starting up again. Apparently I forgot that I was going to put myself through a spiritual journey this summer because summer is basically over and I have done NOTHING. Instead, I’ve started drinking a lot. Not A LOT a lot, but more than what I normally do. This week I managed to drink once everyday for 7 days in a row. I’m really proud of myself for hurting my kidneys and liver and pushing myself to a point of exhaustion and unhealthiness where I feel like absolute crap. Oh yeah, it’s been a blast…….. Said no one ever.

I ate like garbage this entire week with my family in town and wanting to go out every night. I had actually been doing well with not feeling bad about the food I intake, but this week has my brain going crazy.

I have a sort of eating disorder. I never admitted it, not even to myself, until about a couple months ago when I knew I was doing it and knew I was doing nothing stop myself. It hasn’t progressed to anything extremely serious, thank goodness, but it still is pretty serious. And it is all based in my mind.

If I don’t like that I am gaining weight, or my pants are fitting too tight, or I don’t even fit into clothes I once wore, or I am just being unhealthy and eating nothing but junk food, or if I am upset and think that the reason people don’t like me is because of my appearance, or if I just want to be in control of ONE thing in my life, I won’t eat. I won’t starve myself all day; I just will limit the amount of food I eat per meal or more often just eat about once a day.

A lot of it results from I don’t have time to go to the gym to workout or I’m too tired to go. Therefore, I don’t like the way my body looks to me. I know I’m not fat, but I just feel like I am sometimes. Again, all in my brain. I tell myself these things that make me feel bad, even if they aren’t true. It’s depressing.

Well, the last time I really deprived myself of eating was a couple months ago. I promised myself the last time that I wouldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t hurt my body like that. And I’ve kept that promise so far. But after this week, I can feel my mind working and thinking these thoughts again. I don’t like what I see in the mirror. I’ve been drinking so much. I’ve been eating so bad. I haven’t worked out. My pants looked so bad on me today. I can’t keep looking that way.

So my brain automatically tells me that I don’t need to eat anymore and that I’ve been eating too much so I don’t really need to eat anymore for the rest of the day…. or week. Probably for the whole week. But I plan to fight my brain this time. I don’t want to fall and cave into this pressure I’ve put on myself. I want to try and be healthy the right way! I need to start with my mind first though and that is going to be the hardest part.

It’s hard when everyone around you makes you feel alone. When your own family doesn’t want to spend much time with you and seems unphased by not seeing or speaking to you for days. When they ignore you to focus on other worldly things that are not of importance. When my friends do or say things that make you feel bad about yourself and not feel worthy of their friendship, pushing you to do things that you don’t feel comfortable doing. It is hard having extreme anxiety and doing things your friends want when all you want to do is stay home away from people. Then having to be a person of your word and commit to these things you said yes to… the pressure is difficult to keep up with. Plus, finding out someone you had strong feelings for never even thought of you as more than a friend can put you into a swirl of emotions. Hence the thoughts on not being good or pretty enough, driving me back to drinking or restricting myself from eating.

It’s a vicious cycle.

However, it is very refreshing to admit these things to myself. I’m glad I can actually be honest and know what my REAL flaws are that I need to work on. And the only thing that will really help me love myself and get through this is to trust God. I need to remember that he will help me at all times and that he is there even when I feel alone.

We are never alone! Just have to remind ourselves that God is with us.