Archives for posts with tag: family

Days 35-36. Dad left today. Seven months later and it took me until now to realize how much it hurts me that I don’t get to see him everyday. I miss his sense of humor, his scent, his willingness to put himself out there even if others will think he’s strange, his bluntness, his random hugs and kisses, his declarations of love to my mother, and the list goes on.

I know I want him here out of my own selfish desire, but it’s just so difficult going from him being a constant in my days to barely seeing him at all. I wish things were different, but I will continue to push on and try to remain strong.

We had prayer night tonight and it occurred to me that God has been talking to me all along while I have been sitting here waiting for “signs” and other means of communication from him. We sat in silence for 15 minutes and it was a challenge trying to get my brain to stop working and allow me to hear God’s voice. But still he was there in my struggles, talking to me, acknowledging my efforts in trying to hear him.

Sometimes God doesn’t say much. Sometimes, all he does is point out your distractions. All the things that are keeping you from getting closer to him.

I have been frustrated trying to navigate through this chapter in life. Hoping to understand why God allowed things to happen in my family and have my dad pulled away.  Begging him to make everything okay when things feel like they are crashing down.

Navigating through life is like sailing with no map and no concept of where you might be. But Jesus says he is the way, the truth, and the life. He knows the plan already. He knows how everything is going to turn out. We just need to believe that everything is going to work for his glory and our benefit, no matter the circumstance.

Yes, the situation my family has been placed in is unfortunate, but I will not give up hope and I will not stop praising God through this storm.

 

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Insane how much loss has occurred over the past 2 days. People I knew, family members of close friends, and just people in the spotlight that have made an impact on the world. It has been a sad couple of days.

I realize that loss is inevitable and we all just go at some point; a time which none of us know. It’s so sad to think that at any given moment of any given day, loss could occur.

How often do we take each other for granted?! We wake up and go through life so routinely, constantly forgetting how blessed we are for everything we have. Especially the smallest things we overlook daily! It is complete madness.

How do I overcome the natural reaction of caring for a moment, then proceeding to no longer worry about others who are not in my life? How can I let my heart become so cold?

I need to be sympathetic and empathetic! Beyond that, I need to take action and change my own ways. Rid myself of the selfishness within. It’s just so hard! It’s difficult to get rid of the desire to acquire more material possessions. To simply WANT more when what I have is more than I really need.

I’m still working on that. I’ll get it down one day, hopefully.

It is very hard to see your family grow up and grow apart. Cousins you were once close with, aunts and uncles who used to call… all moved away and living their lives. Just difficult.

I wish I could preserve time. I wish I could make moments last longer. Keep us all together. But that’s not how life works.

How do people go days or weeks or even months without talking to their loved ones? Making other replaceable people a priority, putting their work first, simply finding something else that is more important… I don’t understand.

The only thing that is certain is that life will pass even if you aren’t going along with it. We just have to choose how we make the most of our time and with who we spend it with.

I’m getting bad about writing everything down. I just get so overwhelmed and I don’t want to do anything or talk to anyone. It’s crazy how all I want is for others to hear me out, but I can’t even get myself to want to be around people. That only makes my struggle with anxiety worse.

Over these past two days, I have struggled with knowing my self-worth. Though I feel God reminding me in small ways that I matter. I am trying to listen to his voice rather than outside influences. It is extremely difficult.

After a few long and stressful weeks, I stuck with my decision of not joining my mother on a vacation trip and instead coming to help my father with my grandparents. I still don’t know if it was the right choice to let my mother go alone, especially after all of her attempts to persuade me to go. But I do feel in my heart that my choice was unselfish and for the right reasons (if that even means anything to anyone these days).

Yet I still find myself trying to run away from what I feel is obligation. I don’t know if I’m putting that pressure on myself, or if it just comes along with the situation. Hard to tell. I’m hanging in there.

I feel that I am extending myself to my breaking point. Actually, I reached it yesterday. It wasn’t this awakening sensation where it suddenly dawned on me or anything. I just broke down. I wasn’t able to understand why things kept going wrong when I felt that I was trying my hardest to do things right.

The Lord tends to put me in situations where I have to remain patient. Again and again I am reminded that there are always reasons to smile, even when things are ugly. Sometimes it could be something that seems to insignificant to others, like getting your breakfast for free in the drive thru, but I know that is how God speaks: through little actions that make big impacts.

Day 8. Not sure why I thought of myself as a “lady in waiting”… No, not like the Christmas carol verse. More like I am currently a lady in waiting.

Waiting for things to happen to me, to others around me; just waiting. I don’t like to wait. I don’t want to be patient. Most especially, I don’t want anything bad to occur.

I wish I could shelter my family from all hardships and suffering. I want to prevent them from any illnesses. I don’t want any wrong to occur to them within their lifetime. I want to be able to fight all of their battles so that they can rest. It hurts me to think that I can’t do anything else for my family and friends.

I’m hurting and have nobody to tell. I need to speak to someone before I explode. I am just so grateful that I have such thoughtful and loving friends that support me no matter what.

Day 5. I am conflicted. I grew up thinking love and marriage were easy to maintain based on watching my parents’ relationship, but lately I don’t believe that statement at all. I know in a way it is true, that with work and dedication you can maintain a healthy relationship, but I understand now that there are so many outside pressures that affect everything.

My family has been through a lot and is going through a lot. Nobody has the same mindset; we are all completely different in our thoughts and decision-making abilities. My parents are utter opposites when it comes to almost everything, but they have always made things work together. I’ve never seen them spend much time apart from each other up until about the last half year. During these past few months, I have noticed a change in everything from the way they speak to each other to the way they feel internally based on what they express to me in privacy. Throughout my life, I have always felt that I was the child who had to justify why I chose to spend my time with one parent over the other, but I have always had a different relationship with both. My mother is the one who understands me more, being a woman and also through faith. My father is the one who pushes me academically and professionally, but I can also cut loose with. They couldn’t be more different to me.

They have been married for over 30 years and I often wonder how they managed to stay together for that long. Especially now. My father has been away from the house for some time caring for ill family members and I can tell my mother misses him. I know she does, even when she says that it doesn’t matter to her. My father misses her terribly and tells me often when I visit him. Throughout this time, I’ve noticed the difference in demeanor between them both. My mother appears to feel the need to be “stronger” and put up armor to shield herself from any emotions. My father, on the other hand, allows others to see his weakness and all that he feels. It’s so strange to me because they have almost taken on each others roles from when I was growing up: my dad, defining machismo and always assuming the role as main provider of the family; my mom, so caring as the protector of her precious family.

Then my siblings and I grew up. We made mistakes. We started deciding things for ourselves, sometimes not choosing wisely. And they let us. They watched and offered their help when we needed it, always caring from afar, allowing us to live our lives but silently praying that we would return to safety. Think “The Prodigal Son” parable in the Bible- that was my parents with us.

Everything seemed perfect. They worked out any kinks, they discussed decisions with patience and forgiveness, they argued and angered each other, yet always found a way back to expressing their love. I always thought they were a nice example of a good marriage. Now I don’t know. Maybe things of this manner happen in marriages. Maybe you have to weather the good and the bad and somehow still find a way to not just “manage” but honestly say that you are still happy.

Are they still happy? Are they still IN love? Or do they just love?

I truly believe they are the first two. In today’s times, people would just get separated when the going gets tough. We got in a fight? Let’s spend some time apart. You aren’t spending all of your time with me? Divorce. Let’s search for something better. But what if there is no better? What if you throw the diamond away to settle for a rock that glinted in the sun when you blinked? What if all you need to do is just be a little more patient and forgiving?

I feel like I can empathize now with people who have parents that are separated. I know my parents aren’t actually separated, but I understand the “choosing” that comes along with it. Should I stay home with my mother so she won’t be there alone? Or should I visit my father and care for him while he suffers from literal loneliness?  How do I express to my mother that she should go and care for my father? That he needs her now more than ever and she should put aside any pride or resentment, if that’s what it may be, and go to him? How do I tell my father that he should act like he actually wants my mother around when she does visit so that she won’t feel that he doesn’t need her? That she still needs to hear that he wants her even if he is tired and needs some rest? How did I get in between their relationship? HOW DO I GET OUT?

It sucks being the child that they rely on to unload their thoughts and emotions. I am not the only kid. I might be the only one with an awakened conscious at the moment, but I can’t handle this alone. How do I get my siblings to understand and care as much as I do? Why should I even have to convince them? Am I living my own life or am I allowing everyone around me to consume me and make decisions for me? Is this what it looks like to live your life when you care for your loved ones so much that it makes your heart want to burst?

I don’t know how to express anything to my parents. I am tired of having to justify my decisions. Why would they even think that I would pick one of them over the other? How do I split my time evenly with each of them? Who even cares about MY feelings? Am I being selfish to consider asking that question during this time?

I’m just so conflicted. So many questions and never any answers.