Archives for posts with tag: God

Days 134-137. The New York Times posted a request for 13 word love stories. Here are mine:

Coworkers then friends. Woke up one day and thought, “Crap I like him.”

We laugh at the same jokes. Nobody has ever made me laugh hard.

Same thoughts in mind. I never have to worry about him judging me.

I couldn’t make up my mind. He was patient and waited for me.

I think his mom is so cool. I guess we can get married.

**************************************

I really love this guy. He’s a sweetheart. He’s so good to me and I honestly want to run away. I’m afraid of messing things up. I’m scared that I’ll break his heart.

Sometimes I question whether I really love him or just am using him because he is nice to me. But I know those are my anxieties consuming my mind.

I don’t want to throw this away. But what if I’m not that attracted to him? What if I get tired of him? What if I just want to be on my own?

But then I remember love is a choice. He is choosing to love me as I am. He doesn’t give me up when I have these thoughts. He calms me down when we talk. He reminds me that he will continue to love me everyday, even when it’s hard.

That’s how I know.

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Days 132-133.

I have no words to describe the love I have in my heart. God is so good, in the heavens and in the flesh.

Rather than try to explain my emotions, I will share this article that I came across randomly and hope that it touches others in the same way that it touched me right when I needed it.

http://huffp.st/IlyQaHi

 

Navigating through the murky waters of love. I’m tired of hurting others and I’m tired of being hurt.

I still haven’t been convinced.

I am constantly reminded of the character “Summer” from the movie “100 Days of Summer”… I feel that I resemble her so much with my actions when it comes to men.

Am I wrong though? Either I shut everybody out completely, or I give someone a chance and end up not feeling it while they end up failing deeply for me and then I hurt them when I tell them I’m no longer interested.

I think I’d rather be alone forever than ever hurt someone again. I dont want to be a “lesson” and I don’t want their mindsets on love to be changed because of me.

I don’t get why I get so caught up and try to make things work, then just back out. It’s almost as if nobody is ever for me… nobody is ever exactly what I’m looking for.

Do I need to change my standards? I know I don’t ask for much… but I feel like what I need is impossible in this day and age.

I simply want a man who is devoted to God. That’s all.

Why is that so hard to find?

Day 113. Listening to Band of Horses. One of my all time favorite songs is “The Funeral.” It’s sooooo good. No idea what the song means, but it’s still great.

In other news, I miss my father. I was planning to go and visit him this weekend, but I didn’t get my oil changed because of my stupid anxiety. Now I can’t see him until God knows when. And it makes me cry. My heart breaks from not getting to see him daily.

I’m tired of trying to navigate through life without him. It’s rough to try to understand things that are happening but not having a person to talk it out with.

I feel bad for people who take advantage of their parents. I especially feel bad for those people who don’t know the blessing it is to even have parents.

Cherish your family and understand that they want the best for you. I’m convinced of it.

Days 107-108. God loves me. I know it in my heart and soul. I feel all the way to my core. I was reassured this weekend of this very fact and I have never felt more… normal.

Before when I would go on retreats, I’d leave with a spiritual high that was incomparable to any other feeling. But after a few days, the feeling would fade and I would be right back to the same way as before.

I didn’t leave this weekend with a spiritual high; I left with so much love in my heart that I can’t contain it. I need to share it with others.

This sensation is best compared to when you get a new gadget or piece of clothing that you need to show off to everyone so they can see how nice it is. Except this love I have isn’t showy or able to fade after a short stint of having it.

This love is refreshing and renewing. It can literally change your life and save you from anything you were struggling with before encountering it.

I don’t feel like a different person; my core has stayed the same. I simply feel like a better version of myself, and I think that is so incredible. Why wouldn’t anyone want to experience this type of love?

I was afraid of love, but I’m not anymore. I know what true love is. I know that it will hurt and it isn’t pretty and it will take lots of work, but it will ALWAYS be worth it. It will always forgive, always accept, and always push me to be the best version of myself.

If it doesn’t fit that description, it’s not love. It’s not real.

I refuse to allow anyone I know and anyone I meet to experience anything less.

I have been through many fake relationships with fake love that needs to please and seek acceptance. None of them were worth it. There is only one person who is worth it, and that is God. He is calling us and waiting for us to meet him. Are we going to ignore his call, or will we accept his love for us?

Days 103-106. I am on a spiritual encounter to find Christ. AKA I’m on a retreat. It was hard coming and leaving work behind. It was difficult finishing all things I had to do to get ready just to come in general.

Yesterday was very stressful and it feels as though I have lived 2 days in one since then, as though yesterday happened last week. I had so many things on my to do list and despite needing to arrive early to work, I still stopped to buy my coworkers breakfast to treat them that morning. As I parked and waited for my food to be delivered to me, I stared at the clock and new I’d be late. When I finally got the food, I began to reverse in order to get out of the parking lot, however the car behind me continued to go forward despite seeing me moving. Left with limited space, I ended up backing into a pole. I tried to shake it off and speed to work to make it on time, but I was more rushed trying to carry everything in even though I asked for help and nobody came down to assist. To top it off, the breakfast I purchased for myself wasn’t even in the bag. Furthermore, as I took a sip of my coffee which I really needed that day, I realized it tasted nasty and wasn’t drinkable.

This was all before the hour of 8 a.m.

So many more things happened throughout the day to make my life more inconvenient. I gave up on positivity; I just wanted to leave for the day. I was thoroughly exhausted and I arrived to my weekend retreat with that feeling.

I came to experience God in a way i dont normally do, but all I have done is fall asleep. I am too tired to focus. Every movement is tiring. My body aches. My nerve pain has returned and is keeping me watching every movement.

I know God is here though. I know he is with me and within me. My plan this weekend is to feel him, even if for a brief moment. No expectations, just hope.

I will update more as the weekend progresses.

Days 92-94. God is so good. If those words could be believed by everyone, all issues would be solved. We would all be healed. We would all feel loved. Nobody would be lonely…

I went to Encounter this weekend and I left different completely changed. I am not the same person I once was and I am so proud of that! I don’t understand why anyone would ever want to stay the same their entire life. It’s okay to change. It’s okay to move on from others and realize that common interests are no longer similar. That is all okay!! But we sometimes get scared that our change will not be accepted by others or liked by those around us so we hide it. We fake our feelings, interactions, likes, attitude, even our emotions to please others who DON’T even matter half the time or even stay in contact with us. So why do we care? Why do we need their approval?

Shouldn’t we be trying to seek the approval of God instead? Isn’t that the only person we should ever try to impress? So why don’t we? Why is it so hard for others to believe in the existence of the greatest thing, simply because they don’t want to fathom having to follow “rules” or beliefs that contradict their lifestyle? How could anyone not care enough about their own soul that they wouldn’t want to do anything to help themselves?

I can’t stop caring. I can’t deny God’s presence in my life and within my heart. He entered my heart this weekend and made a home there with no plans to leave. I AM changed. I will continue to change! And I’m okay with that. Everyone else needs to be too.