Archives for posts with tag: God

Days 362-367. It’s been a year since I’ve began this blogging journey. I told myself I’d make it public after the year, but I’m not sure if I’m ready for that yet.

I’ve spent this year trying to work through my anxiety and the depressive thoughts I sometimes have. It has been difficult for me to accept that I think a certain way about myself. Me, the person who would never allow someone to talk down on me or treat me poorly, talks down on herself and treats herself poorly.

I am a failure. I am a liar. I am a cheat.

How does God still love me? How is that possible?

My God is so merciful. Without his mercy I don’t know where I’d be. I’m so lost already, but I know he’s with me in my confusion and in my despair.

At times I feel like I make life harder for myself. I let myself be manipulated by things that may not be true and I have no clue how to get out of the situation.

Yet God is still there. He never tires. He never loses patience. He just wants me back.

Now I just need to find my way back.

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Days 228-251. Life is crazy. All I want to do is write, but I never have the time. So much has gone on I don’t even know where to begin.

What I do know is that I’ve encountered God in a way I’ve never known. He is within me. Within!!! Isn’t that so powerful?

He is in all that I do and I get to share his love with others. I just cannot fathom the amount of love he has for me. For us.

I don’t think anyone ever looks around at others who are so different from them and remember that God loves them too. God loves our enemies and they are his children who are also invited to sit at his table in heaven.

That, my friends, is powerful.

I don’t always want to love others. I don’t always want to love myself. I don’t always want to love my boyfriend. But I do because God loves me. He loved me first and he isn’t finished loving me yet.

I immersed myself into silence over the weekend and sat with God while be embraced me and showed me just how much he loves me. He will never leave me or abandon me because he is within me. There is no escaping his love.

This is something that should be celebrated. Love should always be celebrated! There should never be a moment where you fail to say that you love them. Never.

Days 200-202. I woke up thinking about death. My own death to be exact. Not exactly the best morning thoughts I suppose.

But have you ever thought about your death? About how you will die? About if you are ready to die?

Am I scared? Am I nervous? Am I happy that I have the opportunity to bask in the splendor of my Lord in heaven?

I don’t know.

I was a bit apprehensive thinking about that this morning. Wondering if I’m living my life right enough to get me to heaven.

Am I putting in the same or more time to nourish my soul as I am to nourish my physicalities? Where am I right now?

My heart is always yearning. My soul is always longing. But my brain has done it’s best to hush the repeated hum of faith calling me forth.

So I’m going to hold myself accountable. In the same way that I hold myself accountable for work or for food and exercise, I’m going to hold myself accountable for my spirituality.

I’m starting a 30 day prayer challenge (well 27 now that I’m starting 3 days late) to prep myself for the start of lent. If I never pray, I’ll never find my way closer to God.

I will start simply and be realistic about my goals, that way I won’t be extremely disappointed and harsh on myself if I fail.

This is it. A new beginning. And I don’t know when the end will be. But I want to be ready.

Days 134-137. The New York Times posted a request for 13 word love stories. Here are mine:

Coworkers then friends. Woke up one day and thought, “Crap I like him.”

We laugh at the same jokes. Nobody has ever made me laugh hard.

Same thoughts in mind. I never have to worry about him judging me.

I couldn’t make up my mind. He was patient and waited for me.

I think his mom is so cool. I guess we can get married.

**************************************

I really love this guy. He’s a sweetheart. He’s so good to me and I honestly want to run away. I’m afraid of messing things up. I’m scared that I’ll break his heart.

Sometimes I question whether I really love him or just am using him because he is nice to me. But I know those are my anxieties consuming my mind.

I don’t want to throw this away. But what if I’m not that attracted to him? What if I get tired of him? What if I just want to be on my own?

But then I remember love is a choice. He is choosing to love me as I am. He doesn’t give me up when I have these thoughts. He calms me down when we talk. He reminds me that he will continue to love me everyday, even when it’s hard.

That’s how I know.

Days 132-133.

I have no words to describe the love I have in my heart. God is so good, in the heavens and in the flesh.

Rather than try to explain my emotions, I will share this article that I came across randomly and hope that it touches others in the same way that it touched me right when I needed it.

http://huffp.st/IlyQaHi

 

Navigating through the murky waters of love. I’m tired of hurting others and I’m tired of being hurt.

I still haven’t been convinced.

I am constantly reminded of the character “Summer” from the movie “100 Days of Summer”… I feel that I resemble her so much with my actions when it comes to men.

Am I wrong though? Either I shut everybody out completely, or I give someone a chance and end up not feeling it while they end up failing deeply for me and then I hurt them when I tell them I’m no longer interested.

I think I’d rather be alone forever than ever hurt someone again. I dont want to be a “lesson” and I don’t want their mindsets on love to be changed because of me.

I don’t get why I get so caught up and try to make things work, then just back out. It’s almost as if nobody is ever for me… nobody is ever exactly what I’m looking for.

Do I need to change my standards? I know I don’t ask for much… but I feel like what I need is impossible in this day and age.

I simply want a man who is devoted to God. That’s all.

Why is that so hard to find?

Day 113. Listening to Band of Horses. One of my all time favorite songs is “The Funeral.” It’s sooooo good. No idea what the song means, but it’s still great.

In other news, I miss my father. I was planning to go and visit him this weekend, but I didn’t get my oil changed because of my stupid anxiety. Now I can’t see him until God knows when. And it makes me cry. My heart breaks from not getting to see him daily.

I’m tired of trying to navigate through life without him. It’s rough to try to understand things that are happening but not having a person to talk it out with.

I feel bad for people who take advantage of their parents. I especially feel bad for those people who don’t know the blessing it is to even have parents.

Cherish your family and understand that they want the best for you. I’m convinced of it.