Archives for posts with tag: God

Days 107-108. God loves me. I know it in my heart and soul. I feel all the way to my core. I was reassured this weekend of this very fact and I have never felt more… normal.

Before when I would go on retreats, I’d leave with a spiritual high that was incomparable to any other feeling. But after a few days, the feeling would fade and I would be right back to the same way as before.

I didn’t leave this weekend with a spiritual high; I left with so much love in my heart that I can’t contain it. I need to share it with others.

This sensation is best compared to when you get a new gadget or piece of clothing that you need to show off to everyone so they can see how nice it is. Except this love I have isn’t showy or able to fade after a short stint of having it.

This love is refreshing and renewing. It can literally change your life and save you from anything you were struggling with before encountering it.

I don’t feel like a different person; my core has stayed the same. I simply feel like a better version of myself, and I think that is so incredible. Why wouldn’t anyone want to experience this type of love?

I was afraid of love, but I’m not anymore. I know what true love is. I know that it will hurt and it isn’t pretty and it will take lots of work, but it will ALWAYS be worth it. It will always forgive, always accept, and always push me to be the best version of myself.

If it doesn’t fit that description, it’s not love. It’s not real.

I refuse to allow anyone I know and anyone I meet to experience anything less.

I have been through many fake relationships with fake love that needs to please and seek acceptance. None of them were worth it. There is only one person who is worth it, and that is God. He is calling us and waiting for us to meet him. Are we going to ignore his call, or will we accept his love for us?

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Days 103-106. I am on a spiritual encounter to find Christ. AKA I’m on a retreat. It was hard coming and leaving work behind. It was difficult finishing all things I had to do to get ready just to come in general.

Yesterday was very stressful and it feels as though I have lived 2 days in one since then, as though yesterday happened last week. I had so many things on my to do list and despite needing to arrive early to work, I still stopped to buy my coworkers breakfast to treat them that morning. As I parked and waited for my food to be delivered to me, I stared at the clock and new I’d be late. When I finally got the food, I began to reverse in order to get out of the parking lot, however the car behind me continued to go forward despite seeing me moving. Left with limited space, I ended up backing into a pole. I tried to shake it off and speed to work to make it on time, but I was more rushed trying to carry everything in even though I asked for help and nobody came down to assist. To top it off, the breakfast I purchased for myself wasn’t even in the bag. Furthermore, as I took a sip of my coffee which I really needed that day, I realized it tasted nasty and wasn’t drinkable.

This was all before the hour of 8 a.m.

So many more things happened throughout the day to make my life more inconvenient. I gave up on positivity; I just wanted to leave for the day. I was thoroughly exhausted and I arrived to my weekend retreat with that feeling.

I came to experience God in a way i dont normally do, but all I have done is fall asleep. I am too tired to focus. Every movement is tiring. My body aches. My nerve pain has returned and is keeping me watching every movement.

I know God is here though. I know he is with me and within me. My plan this weekend is to feel him, even if for a brief moment. No expectations, just hope.

I will update more as the weekend progresses.

Days 92-94. God is so good. If those words could be believed by everyone, all issues would be solved. We would all be healed. We would all feel loved. Nobody would be lonely…

I went to Encounter this weekend and I left different completely changed. I am not the same person I once was and I am so proud of that! I don’t understand why anyone would ever want to stay the same their entire life. It’s okay to change. It’s okay to move on from others and realize that common interests are no longer similar. That is all okay!! But we sometimes get scared that our change will not be accepted by others or liked by those around us so we hide it. We fake our feelings, interactions, likes, attitude, even our emotions to please others who DON’T even matter half the time or even stay in contact with us. So why do we care? Why do we need their approval?

Shouldn’t we be trying to seek the approval of God instead? Isn’t that the only person we should ever try to impress? So why don’t we? Why is it so hard for others to believe in the existence of the greatest thing, simply because they don’t want to fathom having to follow “rules” or beliefs that contradict their lifestyle? How could anyone not care enough about their own soul that they wouldn’t want to do anything to help themselves?

I can’t stop caring. I can’t deny God’s presence in my life and within my heart. He entered my heart this weekend and made a home there with no plans to leave. I AM changed. I will continue to change! And I’m okay with that. Everyone else needs to be too.

Days 69 & 70. Yesterday was the worst day ever, but there were some positives. Going to work and getting nothing done was frustrating and stressful. Coming home to “rest” and not being able to sleep was draining. Then getting up to go right back to work and do it all over again was crushing.

Yes, I cried. Again. I’ve cried everyday since Tuesday. I’m overwhelmed. I’m upset. I’m angry. I’m frustrated. I’m tired. I’m not okay.

It has been tough going in and not knowing what to expect each day. Not knowing if we even have a classroom to set up. Not knowing if we will even have students to teach. Not many people understand what we have been experiencing because they haven’t been through it themselves. But imagine being in your home, a place you are comfortable in, a place you’ve invested so much time and money to make feel comfortable and inviting, all to move into a new building that you don’t know, with half of your belongings because most were lost in the flood. It’s unimaginable, but it’s been reality for us.

My anxiety attacks made a surprise comeback. Today was my breaking point. I couldn’t breathe. I was close to passing out. All I wanted to do was vomit. I had to force myself to eat. I had to be reminded to breathe. People had to help me calm down.

Still, only a handful of people knew that I was not okay. How is it possible that I can be so broken, so unstable, so sick, and nobody even notices?

It has dawned on me: PEOPLE GO THROUGH THIS EVERY SINGLE DAY.

My own friends haven’t even checked on me. And they know what’s going on. They just do NOT care. And that’s sad.

I have people who don’t even know me and have been checking in on me, offering to help me, making sure I am fed and take breaks, and supporting me so that I don’t feel like I am broken. Thank God for angels on earth. THANK YOU GOD FOR GOOD PEOPLE!

As hard as this week has been, I would do it again in a heartbeat for my students. We have been through hell this week, and though it would never be a conscious choice, I know that each of us would suffer again if we knew it would help our students feel comfortable and loved.

I don’t know what to expect on Monday. I don’t know how many of my students will return. I don’t know how they will act, if they will be different, if they will even speak about the recent events. I don’t know anything.

I do know that I will be better for them. I will not let my stresses prevent me from loving them. I will not allow my anger and sadness affect my positive attitude with them. I will be the best me that I can be.

I know that small steps must be taken. I know that if I want to be the best me mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, I need to love myself and allow myself a sense of grace and understanding. I know I need to be patient with myself. I know that recovery isn’t a one-day thing.

I’m still struggling with thoughts of starving myself again. I’m still fighting the urge to allow people to disrespect me and my morals, forcing love to happen when it isn’t meant to. I still don’t believe I’m good enough to teach my students and don’t believe I can make a difference. But I will not give in. I won’t cave. I’ve fought it this long and I can keep going. I refuse to allow myself to fall back into that dark place.

Everyday is a new day full of choices and small steps. If God grants me a new day of life, I’ll continue to strive for a better me. I will continue to praise God in the hardest times, through all storms and the calmest days.

I will make it. I will. Everything is going to be okay.

I am changed.

Anxiety once had me down. An eating disorder once controlled me. Depression once kept me from allowing me to see my self-worth.

I am changed.

I’ve seen pain in people’s eyes who have lost everything from the hurricane. I’ve seen people in despair, desperate to feed and clothe their children. I’ve seen people who have lost hope and do not allow themselves to be fully loved by God, choosing instead to live on the streets rather than accept help. I have helped these people, fed these people, clothed these people, spoken to these people, hugged these people…

I am changed.

I am fortunate, but I have still lost, just like the rest of those living within this city and throughout our great state. My school is gone. My classroom that I worked so hard to get ready… gone. My students have lost more than me though. Their homes, cars, belongings… gone.

I am changed.

I don’t know what this new adventure will bring. I don’t know if I can look at my students in the face and bring them hope. I don’t know if I will even be able to teach them anything this year. I don’t know how much longer I can stay strong.

But I am changed.

My heart is different.

I will not accept failure anymore. I won’t stand for anything that doesn’t bring goodness and hope. I won’t allow my spirit to be brought down anymore. I will try my best to remain positive. Above all, I will trust God and know that his will is greater than any other plan I had for myself.

I am changed. And I won’t go back to the way I was before.

Days 57-58. Harvey turned into a tropical storm, but hit us harder than we could ever imagine. My neighborhood, my city, my state… all submersed. Everything is under water. Everything is drenched. Not many places are accessible for food and even if they are, there aren’t many goods left.

I literally cannot put my feelings into words. There is nothing I could ever write that could express my emotions towards our situation. From the outside looking in, nobody can really comprehend the feeling without also having gone through something similar. From the inside looking out… only hope.

It’s surreal having been in that “outside perspective” before, witnessing people on the news suffer through various tragedies or natural disasters and being able to do nothing about it. And those were all places far away from home. Now imagine being in the city that is being affected and still being unable to do as much as you wish you could. It’s unbearable.

I am so fortunate and blessed that my street does not flood while others just a block away are under water. I watch as my school is taking on more and more water. I hurt hearing my students are losing their homes and are having to evacuate because everything is under water. I constantly check in with my family and friends to make sure that they are still doing ok! My heart can’t handle anymore.

And it’s still raining. And it’s still going to continue raining for a couple more days.

I haven’t broken down yet. I haven’t allowed myself to cry. Instead, I have gathered a group of friends and opened a shelter space at a nearby location. We’ve gathered donations. And tomorrow I will wait all day if I have to in order to be able to help even just one person. I will not stand idle. I just can’t stand by and do nothing.

If someone is reading this, I’m not sure if anyone is, but if you are, please consider donating to help my city and state. Please donate to the Red Cross if you can. Donate to any organization of your choice! But most especially, donate your time in praying for us. Prayer is the smallest gesture that yields the greatest result.

God is with us in the storm and in the calm.

Days 55-56. I’m worried about my father and grandfather. They are in the direct path of hurricane Harvey. I’m constantly praying for their safety and well-being.

Everyone has been so negative when it comes to the hurricane. It’s going to destroy homes and flood our areas! Why did it have to come hit us, why couldn’t it have gone in another direction, etc.

I see it as more of a time for rebirth and growth. A time to pause and relax. A time to take in the sounds of the rain and thunder. A chance to acknowledge God’s great power.

I am reminded of the story of the disciples on the boat and they come upon a huge storm. Obviously they begin to freak out, and when they look over to call for Jesus, they find him fast asleep, unbothered by anything. They begin to panic because the storm is rough and they are right in the midst of it. Finally, Jesus awakens, curious as to why they are panicking. He asks and reminds them, “Why are you worried?” ┬áThen Jesus commands for the wind and rain to stop and all is calm.

Didn’t they know that the son of God was present and can calm all storms? So why did they panic?

Isn’t that true for us too? We focus so much on the events in front of us that we forget who our help is. Just like the disciples, we panic when things get crazy. We feel like we are drowning and that the storm is going to take us under. But we need to remember that the person saving us isn’t intimidated by our storms. So neither should we be.

It’s hard to let go and let God take control. It’s even harder to believe that he will calm our storms, especially when they are a category 4 hurricane coming straight for you. Whether it be a real storm or the storm within us that we have to endure, the savior is still the same. Like the disciples wondered, “Who is this, that even the wind and rain should listen to him?” It’s the same God who will do the same for us.

Though it may seem like the last thing to do, sometimes we just need to stop and embrace the storm. Enjoy our time on the ride. Go out and play in the rain. After all, it isn’t until we get wet that we finally feel alive.