Archives for posts with tag: Grateful

Day 51. I celebrated another year of life with the solar eclipse!

I am so grateful for today. I’m thankful for my life itself, for being able to wake up another day and make it through, my family and friends who both care for me so much, and for experiencing small but impactful things today.

I got to see the eclipse! My 97 year old grandfather called me to wish me a happy birthday. I was able to spend another day of life with my aunt who has limited time left with us, my parents sent me roses to work, my coworkers bought me 2 cakes, and I started work again. I have a new found love for all things that are often overshadowed. Just as in how the moon overshadowed the sun today and still be beautiful, I am able to find beauty in the small things that get passed over.

Not many people care about talking to their grandparents. Not many people will spend their birthday in a hospital room with their ill relative. Not many people find it substantial to get just a small meal for dinner that is inexpensive and sit their in gym shorts and a t-shirt on their birthday.

I am not many people. I enjoy the small things in life. And I even got to smell the roses today (after they were delivered to me at work of course).

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Enter pre-birthday celebration. All fun and games. Nice time with friends and family.

Enter my past to complicate my birthfay celebration. Why is he here and why would God bring him back into my life? What do I do?

Old me would have quickly fallen back into his charm. New me? Still did a bit, but not in the way I thought I would. I just needed answers. I had so many questions. So we talked and straightened things out. No affection from me at all. I don’t feel a thing anymore except for sorrow for him. His situation is so sad. And that could’ve been me.

So many times we wonder why God wouldn’t let us be with the person we found so perfect and rarely are we ever allowed to see why. I was shown why. God was watching out for me… keeping me for something greater. Someone better.

Maybe as an outcome from engaging in conversation with him I ended up sick and in the emergency clinic. But again, God was watching out for me. The doctors found nothing wrong. I am still in pain, but so grateful for being healthy. I’m just amazed at God.

No matter what we do, how far lost we get, how many times we turn away from him, how often we deny him, the things we do to make us feel unworthy of his love… He still loves us so deeply. He calls for us. He wants us happy and healthy and full of life. How can we turn him away?

God is my top priority right now. Even though work is stressful and starts again tomorrow, I am trying to trust him more and not worry. Nothing good comes from worrying. It doesn’t help. But trusting in God and knowing that things will work out does give me a calming sensation that nothing else can take away.

Until tomorrow… I will sleep and hope to dream of my TRUE forever and ever. Whoever he may be. I will pray for him and for his health and happiness. And I will focus on God and allow him to take me where ever I’m meant to go and use me as a vessel of his love.

Tomorrow is a new day. A new chance for me to share my love with a new set of children. Time to rest.

40 days of writing. I didn’t think I’d last this long. It’s funny how something I once loved to do for myself has now taken a different position in my life. I must be honest and raw for others as well. I can’t be afraid to show my true self… I have to open up and let my heart flow through.

I am very familiar with the feeling of giving up on God. The way I am so keen to think that he isn’t moving fast enough for me, he isn’t giving me the things I want, he isn’t allowing me to be with anyone, he isn’t showing me my vocation.

After listing those 4 things, I’ve already ran out of the things he “isn’t” doing for me. That’s not too many. Beyond that, they are all selfish desires.

Now I am no stranger to the knowledge that God is doing what he knows is best for me, he is allowing me to experience all the things I am going through for reasons unknown but necessary, he is giving me my many blessings and allowing me to have a job to work for more, he is trusting when allowing me to decide things for myself sometimes and not getting upset when I choose wrong, and the list goes on and on.

Interesting how much longer the list of things God does is longer than the list of things he doesn’t do. We just take so much for granted! We assume we will wake up tomorrow and do the same routine over and over. But in reality there is no guarantee.

So instead of complaining tonight and putting the blame on God, we should do the opposite and praise him! He is, after all, the reason we are here.