Archives for posts with tag: Hardships

Days 35-36. Dad left today. Seven months later and it took me until now to realize how much it hurts me that I don’t get to see him everyday. I miss his sense of humor, his scent, his willingness to put himself out there even if others will think he’s strange, his bluntness, his random hugs and kisses, his declarations of love to my mother, and the list goes on.

I know I want him here out of my own selfish desire, but it’s just so difficult going from him being a constant in my days to barely seeing him at all. I wish things were different, but I will continue to push on and try to remain strong.

We had prayer night tonight and it occurred to me that God has been talking to me all along while I have been sitting here waiting for “signs” and other means of communication from him. We sat in silence for 15 minutes and it was a challenge trying to get my brain to stop working and allow me to hear God’s voice. But still he was there in my struggles, talking to me, acknowledging my efforts in trying to hear him.

Sometimes God doesn’t say much. Sometimes, all he does is point out your distractions. All the things that are keeping you from getting closer to him.

I have been frustrated trying to navigate through this chapter in life. Hoping to understand why God allowed things to happen in my family and have my dad pulled away.  Begging him to make everything okay when things feel like they are crashing down.

Navigating through life is like sailing with no map and no concept of where you might be. But Jesus says he is the way, the truth, and the life. He knows the plan already. He knows how everything is going to turn out. We just need to believe that everything is going to work for his glory and our benefit, no matter the circumstance.

Yes, the situation my family has been placed in is unfortunate, but I will not give up hope and I will not stop praising God through this storm.

 

I don’t know what I believe in anymore. I mean I know what I BELIEVE in, but I don’t know what I’m really a believer of. I feel like I’m finally being myself again, but a lot of what I do contradicts my beliefs. Or maybe it doesn’t? What if I just don’t know what comes along with my beliefs? I’m just lost.

I want to find him. I want to find God. And I can’t do it here. I can’t be constantly surrounded by noise! It’s so hard for me to keep my heart set on him that I end up failing by constantly getting distracted. It’s so hard!!!!

I know I should want to find God to find love. I know when I reach him that will mean that I have ultimately reached a love within myself. But part of me wants to reach him so that I can finally find the man that is right for me. I just have this thought that he will come after I get to God. And I don’t even know if that is true and I did know that isn’t the reason I should be pursuing God.

What if he’s using this internal desire to pull me close? Like someone using their bad characteristics in a positive way? I’m still just struggling to reach him.

At the rate I’m going, I’ll never find a man. I know, I know; it’s not up to me or my timing. I just can’t help feeling that way inside. Why must this be so hard?