Archives for posts with tag: Heartache

Days 166-168. Grandpa is in heaven now.

He passed away the night dad told us about his decision to stop treatment. I somehow always knew this would happen, but I didn’t think it would happen in the manner that it did.

When I woke up Thursday morning, I knew. I felt it in my heart before my parents came in and told me. My heart is broken; it has been since that day.

I don’t want to accept it, but I know I have to. I know he is with grandma and they aren’t suffering anymore. I am consoled by this knowledge. But I still miss him. I always will.

I can’t express this grief. There aren’t any words I could use to explain my emotions.

How do I describe the look in his eyes when he saw me after several weeks, and the smile that appeared when I walked up to give him a hug?

How can I put into words the glance and wink he would give me when he was being mischievous and up to no good?

How can I write about the way his hair stood up in several directions, even after me and him both continuously trying to flatten it down?

I miss him in a way that only my heart can yearn for. I won’t ever stop. I’ll never forget him. He is in me and I’ll carry him everywhere I go.

I am my grandfather’s granddaughter.

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Grandma passed away today. I just can’t get my heart to accept it; I can’t believe it.

It hurts.

We all knew it was coming, but it was still so sudden.

The fact that I know I can never see her again in person kills me inside. I know one day I’ll see her again, but until then I will cry.

Days 74-75. I know this is repetitive of me because I have written about it before, but I am experiencing it again. I almost feel bad saying it… guilty in a sort of way.

It’s hard having people like me that I don’t like in return. Especially when they are friends. Not only friends, but close friends that you see often.

I know, I know. Poor me, having so many people interested in me when some people aren’t even noticed. But in a way I’m not being noticed. Not by the right person at least.

I’m not too sure what it is that these friends supposedly “see” in me that makes them like me as much as they do. I don’t think they see the real me. Or maybe they do and that’s what makes them fall for me. Though I would be willing to bet that the majority of them just like the surface me, not what’s inside and most important. And it hurts.

These are people that supposedly know me and if THEY can only see the surface of me, what hope do I have in waiting for another man to find the good in me? It seems impossible.

My heart is heavy tonight. So much has happened and is happening right now that I wish I had someone there for me. Yet I don’t even know if I would let them in. I don’t want to hurt anybody. It breaks my heart thinking that these people who like me are feeling rejected from me and that I could be the reason they in turn close themselves off from others. I wouldn’t want anyone to be like me and shut everybody out.

And that’s not even the only thing getting to me. I have stress related symptoms (most likely PTSD) from the hurricane and am still having recurring nightmares about the flood. I’ve been waking up just about every other night from nightmares about my house and classroom destroyed. I just want to move on from this. It’s so hard.

Work has been difficult in this new building and that has added to the stress already piled up. I just want to sleep for 5 days.

To top it off, I miss my dad. I want him to be home. He is the only stable and constant male figure in my life that shows me what true and faithful love is.

No matter how many people want me or how long we have known each other, I won’t settle.

Something has occurred to me. There can NEVER be too much love. There is just no limit. So why do we hold back? Why are we afraid to share the love we pack in our huge hearts with others? Why don’t we show kindness and spread joy among strangers?

It always hurts me to see others in pain. Physically, emotionally, spiritually… Why do we let others suffer? I know I’m not perfect, and I know that there have been many situations where I could’ve easily done something to help another in a tough time, but I didn’t. Because I was scared. I was afraid they would make fun of me or see my heart for what it is. Vulnerable. Loving. Caring. Full of emotion! Why do we look down on these characteristics?

It’s become a norm in our society to act tough, to hide our emotions, to pretend that we have no feelings, just so others can’t hurt us. But how often does that approach work? Rarely, if ever. We are simply hurting ourselves. Distancing ourselves from the one truth in life! To LOVE!

What a mistake!!

How can we want to avoid the joy and light that comes along with love? Is it because we are too afraid to be hurt time and time again? Yes, love does hurt. Yes, it is a huge risk to open up and potentially be heartbroken by the wrong person. Yes, maybe even our family and closest friends can betray us and cause so much pain in our hearts that it feels as though we can’t take it anymore! But that doesn’t mean to stop loving altogether. That is simply an opportunity to love even more. Love even harder! Love in such a strong way that those who hurt you can’t even deny that love exists!

And man does it exist.

We can’t forget that. I can’t forget that. Even when I feel that all my love has expired, it hasn’t. My heart is evolving to contain and share an even greater type of love. One that I never imagined could exist.

Isn’t that how love is? Constantly evolving and growing into something bigger and bigger until one day we realize that we never thought we could be able to love that hard, yet there we are, loving in a new way.

I need to share my love. I need to open up my heart. And if it gets broken, then so be it. At least it will be cracked open to allow even more love to flow through.