Archives for posts with tag: Hurricane

I can’t hear rain fall without thinking of the hurricane. I have flashbacks to all that occurred in those weeks… and the fact that we at my campus are still living in the aftermath is rough. I can’t rest. I can’t move on. I am still healing and trying to make it through, but it’s not easy.

I have been able to talk myself into getting up and going to work with a positive mindset, even when I don’t want to. Then today happens. I get in my car, having already pep talked myself into feigning happiness, and I hear the news about Vegas. I hear about how many people are dead and injured. I hear all the stories of people who survived the attack and my heart breaks.

I check with my family to make sure they are safe, then I pray.

I don’t understand. But I also don’t believe our human brain is made to comprehend these instances. We are made to react and our first reaction is what makes us who we are. We are defined by those actions.

Will we go out and help or will we deny that anything is wrong and place the blame on God?

I read something that seriously angered me today. It was a comic of a girl asking a boy “Why would God allow this?” and the guy responds, “because God doesn’t exist so focus on reality and fix your gun laws.” Part of that statement is correct; yes, we need to correct our gun laws, but the fact that people honestly believe because of all the tragedy occurring that a good God does not exist is unfathomable to me.

Why can’t anyone own up to the fact that we are the ones responsible for our actions? People make choices everyday. It doesn’t matter how small or insignificant they may seem… sometimes all it takes for someone to lose faith or revolt against others is something “small and insignificant.”

I vow to try my best to love others, even when they don’t deserve it. I vow to be kind to others, even when they make me mad. I vow to be patient with others, even when they are driving me crazy. And I vow to say at least one thoughtful and kind thing to those who cross my path each day, even if I don’t know them well.

The world needs so much love… soooo much love. Will we contribute to making the world a better place for those who follow us, or will we simply let it be the same as it continues to be?

Life is full of choices. We simply need to make the choices that will lead us to be better people.

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I’m not good with writing when everything is going bad. That’s probably when I should write the most, but it’s hard.

The transition from our school to the new building we are in has been more than rough. I cannot express how tough it has been to manage. Hurricane Harvey did more damage than what is visible on tv or the internet. Nobody really understands how much of a change we have had to make.

I don’t like coming to work anymore. I don’t like pretending that everything is okay or will get better when it continuously gets worse. And I definitely don’t enjoy not knowing what will happen from day to day.

We are living in a mystery and trying our best just to survive. I don’t know how anyone expects us to teach without necessary resources. I really don’t know how anyone expects our students to learn when they have to spend each day worrying about new things that they didn’t have to worry about before. Constantly stressed. Always tired.

It’s hard. I feel like I’m failing at what I’m doing. I don’t even know if I want to continue working in this anymore. How do I know I’m even helping these students?

Tomorrow is a new day.

Days 69 & 70. Yesterday was the worst day ever, but there were some positives. Going to work and getting nothing done was frustrating and stressful. Coming home to “rest” and not being able to sleep was draining. Then getting up to go right back to work and do it all over again was crushing.

Yes, I cried. Again. I’ve cried everyday since Tuesday. I’m overwhelmed. I’m upset. I’m angry. I’m frustrated. I’m tired. I’m not okay.

It has been tough going in and not knowing what to expect each day. Not knowing if we even have a classroom to set up. Not knowing if we will even have students to teach. Not many people understand what we have been experiencing because they haven’t been through it themselves. But imagine being in your home, a place you are comfortable in, a place you’ve invested so much time and money to make feel comfortable and inviting, all to move into a new building that you don’t know, with half of your belongings because most were lost in the flood. It’s unimaginable, but it’s been reality for us.

My anxiety attacks made a surprise comeback. Today was my breaking point. I couldn’t breathe. I was close to passing out. All I wanted to do was vomit. I had to force myself to eat. I had to be reminded to breathe. People had to help me calm down.

Still, only a handful of people knew that I was not okay. How is it possible that I can be so broken, so unstable, so sick, and nobody even notices?

It has dawned on me: PEOPLE GO THROUGH THIS EVERY SINGLE DAY.

My own friends haven’t even checked on me. And they know what’s going on. They just do NOT care. And that’s sad.

I have people who don’t even know me and have been checking in on me, offering to help me, making sure I am fed and take breaks, and supporting me so that I don’t feel like I am broken. Thank God for angels on earth. THANK YOU GOD FOR GOOD PEOPLE!

As hard as this week has been, I would do it again in a heartbeat for my students. We have been through hell this week, and though it would never be a conscious choice, I know that each of us would suffer again if we knew it would help our students feel comfortable and loved.

I don’t know what to expect on Monday. I don’t know how many of my students will return. I don’t know how they will act, if they will be different, if they will even speak about the recent events. I don’t know anything.

I do know that I will be better for them. I will not let my stresses prevent me from loving them. I will not allow my anger and sadness affect my positive attitude with them. I will be the best me that I can be.

I know that small steps must be taken. I know that if I want to be the best me mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, I need to love myself and allow myself a sense of grace and understanding. I know I need to be patient with myself. I know that recovery isn’t a one-day thing.

I’m still struggling with thoughts of starving myself again. I’m still fighting the urge to allow people to disrespect me and my morals, forcing love to happen when it isn’t meant to. I still don’t believe I’m good enough to teach my students and don’t believe I can make a difference. But I will not give in. I won’t cave. I’ve fought it this long and I can keep going. I refuse to allow myself to fall back into that dark place.

Everyday is a new day full of choices and small steps. If God grants me a new day of life, I’ll continue to strive for a better me. I will continue to praise God in the hardest times, through all storms and the calmest days.

I will make it. I will. Everything is going to be okay.

Days 57-58. Harvey turned into a tropical storm, but hit us harder than we could ever imagine. My neighborhood, my city, my state… all submersed. Everything is under water. Everything is drenched. Not many places are accessible for food and even if they are, there aren’t many goods left.

I literally cannot put my feelings into words. There is nothing I could ever write that could express my emotions towards our situation. From the outside looking in, nobody can really comprehend the feeling without also having gone through something similar. From the inside looking out… only hope.

It’s surreal having been in that “outside perspective” before, witnessing people on the news suffer through various tragedies or natural disasters and being able to do nothing about it. And those were all places far away from home. Now imagine being in the city that is being affected and still being unable to do as much as you wish you could. It’s unbearable.

I am so fortunate and blessed that my street does not flood while others just a block away are under water. I watch as my school is taking on more and more water. I hurt hearing my students are losing their homes and are having to evacuate because everything is under water. I constantly check in with my family and friends to make sure that they are still doing ok! My heart can’t handle anymore.

And it’s still raining. And it’s still going to continue raining for a couple more days.

I haven’t broken down yet. I haven’t allowed myself to cry. Instead, I have gathered a group of friends and opened a shelter space at a nearby location. We’ve gathered donations. And tomorrow I will wait all day if I have to in order to be able to help even just one person. I will not stand idle. I just can’t stand by and do nothing.

If someone is reading this, I’m not sure if anyone is, but if you are, please consider donating to help my city and state. Please donate to the Red Cross if you can. Donate to any organization of your choice! But most especially, donate your time in praying for us. Prayer is the smallest gesture that yields the greatest result.

God is with us in the storm and in the calm.

Days 55-56. I’m worried about my father and grandfather. They are in the direct path of hurricane Harvey. I’m constantly praying for their safety and well-being.

Everyone has been so negative when it comes to the hurricane. It’s going to destroy homes and flood our areas! Why did it have to come hit us, why couldn’t it have gone in another direction, etc.

I see it as more of a time for rebirth and growth. A time to pause and relax. A time to take in the sounds of the rain and thunder. A chance to acknowledge God’s great power.

I am reminded of the story of the disciples on the boat and they come upon a huge storm. Obviously they begin to freak out, and when they look over to call for Jesus, they find him fast asleep, unbothered by anything. They begin to panic because the storm is rough and they are right in the midst of it. Finally, Jesus awakens, curious as to why they are panicking. He asks and reminds them, “Why are you worried?” ┬áThen Jesus commands for the wind and rain to stop and all is calm.

Didn’t they know that the son of God was present and can calm all storms? So why did they panic?

Isn’t that true for us too? We focus so much on the events in front of us that we forget who our help is. Just like the disciples, we panic when things get crazy. We feel like we are drowning and that the storm is going to take us under. But we need to remember that the person saving us isn’t intimidated by our storms. So neither should we be.

It’s hard to let go and let God take control. It’s even harder to believe that he will calm our storms, especially when they are a category 4 hurricane coming straight for you. Whether it be a real storm or the storm within us that we have to endure, the savior is still the same. Like the disciples wondered, “Who is this, that even the wind and rain should listen to him?” It’s the same God who will do the same for us.

Though it may seem like the last thing to do, sometimes we just need to stop and embrace the storm. Enjoy our time on the ride. Go out and play in the rain. After all, it isn’t until we get wet that we finally feel alive.

Work is crazy. My mind is so jumbled and I don’t feel like I have any control over anything that I’m doing. That’s typical life for me though.

I don’t want to be in control though. As stressful as it gets sometimes, I know that God is in control and he is going to help me along the way.

Yes, I can plan and get things written down, but whatever will he has for me will probably be different and I have to be okay with that.

Whelp, hurricane Harvey time… arriving just in time to jeopardize any further plans.