Archives for posts with tag: HurricaneHarvey

I can’t hear rain fall without thinking of the hurricane. I have flashbacks to all that occurred in those weeks… and the fact that we at my campus are still living in the aftermath is rough. I can’t rest. I can’t move on. I am still healing and trying to make it through, but it’s not easy.

I have been able to talk myself into getting up and going to work with a positive mindset, even when I don’t want to. Then today happens. I get in my car, having already pep talked myself into feigning happiness, and I hear the news about Vegas. I hear about how many people are dead and injured. I hear all the stories of people who survived the attack and my heart breaks.

I check with my family to make sure they are safe, then I pray.

I don’t understand. But I also don’t believe our human brain is made to comprehend these instances. We are made to react and our first reaction is what makes us who we are. We are defined by those actions.

Will we go out and help or will we deny that anything is wrong and place the blame on God?

I read something that seriously angered me today. It was a comic of a girl asking a boy “Why would God allow this?” and the guy responds, “because God doesn’t exist so focus on reality and fix your gun laws.” Part of that statement is correct; yes, we need to correct our gun laws, but the fact that people honestly believe because of all the tragedy occurring that a good God does not exist is unfathomable to me.

Why can’t anyone own up to the fact that we are the ones responsible for our actions? People make choices everyday. It doesn’t matter how small or insignificant they may seem… sometimes all it takes for someone to lose faith or revolt against others is something “small and insignificant.”

I vow to try my best to love others, even when they don’t deserve it. I vow to be kind to others, even when they make me mad. I vow to be patient with others, even when they are driving me crazy. And I vow to say at least one thoughtful and kind thing to those who cross my path each day, even if I don’t know them well.

The world needs so much love… soooo much love. Will we contribute to making the world a better place for those who follow us, or will we simply let it be the same as it continues to be?

Life is full of choices. We simply need to make the choices that will lead us to be better people.

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I’m not good with writing when everything is going bad. That’s probably when I should write the most, but it’s hard.

The transition from our school to the new building we are in has been more than rough. I cannot express how tough it has been to manage. Hurricane Harvey did more damage than what is visible on tv or the internet. Nobody really understands how much of a change we have had to make.

I don’t like coming to work anymore. I don’t like pretending that everything is okay or will get better when it continuously gets worse. And I definitely don’t enjoy not knowing what will happen from day to day.

We are living in a mystery and trying our best just to survive. I don’t know how anyone expects us to teach without necessary resources. I really don’t know how anyone expects our students to learn when they have to spend each day worrying about new things that they didn’t have to worry about before. Constantly stressed. Always tired.

It’s hard. I feel like I’m failing at what I’m doing. I don’t even know if I want to continue working in this anymore. How do I know I’m even helping these students?

Tomorrow is a new day.

Days 74-75. I know this is repetitive of me because I have written about it before, but I am experiencing it again. I almost feel bad saying it… guilty in a sort of way.

It’s hard having people like me that I don’t like in return. Especially when they are friends. Not only friends, but close friends that you see often.

I know, I know. Poor me, having so many people interested in me when some people aren’t even noticed. But in a way I’m not being noticed. Not by the right person at least.

I’m not too sure what it is that these friends supposedly “see” in me that makes them like me as much as they do. I don’t think they see the real me. Or maybe they do and that’s what makes them fall for me. Though I would be willing to bet that the majority of them just like the surface me, not what’s inside and most important. And it hurts.

These are people that supposedly know me and if THEY can only see the surface of me, what hope do I have in waiting for another man to find the good in me? It seems impossible.

My heart is heavy tonight. So much has happened and is happening right now that I wish I had someone there for me. Yet I don’t even know if I would let them in. I don’t want to hurt anybody. It breaks my heart thinking that these people who like me are feeling rejected from me and that I could be the reason they in turn close themselves off from others. I wouldn’t want anyone to be like me and shut everybody out.

And that’s not even the only thing getting to me. I have stress related symptoms (most likely PTSD) from the hurricane and am still having recurring nightmares about the flood. I’ve been waking up just about every other night from nightmares about my house and classroom destroyed. I just want to move on from this. It’s so hard.

Work has been difficult in this new building and that has added to the stress already piled up. I just want to sleep for 5 days.

To top it off, I miss my dad. I want him to be home. He is the only stable and constant male figure in my life that shows me what true and faithful love is.

No matter how many people want me or how long we have known each other, I won’t settle.

Our first day at our new building wasn’t so bad. Our kids returned and were excited to see us again. This journey is barely beginning, but it has already surprised us with the way things have progressed so quickly. Last week I would have never believed we would be where we are now. It’s honestly hard to believe that it’s been a week already…

Last week, the endless week from hell. The week that drained us, emotionally and physically. And now… back to a sense of normalcy… it is unbelievable.

I hope people are inspired when they see us. I hope people can be moved by the way our kids will adapt and work. I am in awe. I’m so proud to be a part of this team. With all of the unknowns and anxieties, it feels like we can make it be okay.

Everyday is a new day; that seems to be the motto for our year. This hurricane will not bring us down. It will not tear us apart. It will not make us believe that we are not okay because we will be.

This journey will not come without challenge and struggle, but everyday is a new day and a new chance to try again and do something different. We will do that.

Days 69 & 70. Yesterday was the worst day ever, but there were some positives. Going to work and getting nothing done was frustrating and stressful. Coming home to “rest” and not being able to sleep was draining. Then getting up to go right back to work and do it all over again was crushing.

Yes, I cried. Again. I’ve cried everyday since Tuesday. I’m overwhelmed. I’m upset. I’m angry. I’m frustrated. I’m tired. I’m not okay.

It has been tough going in and not knowing what to expect each day. Not knowing if we even have a classroom to set up. Not knowing if we will even have students to teach. Not many people understand what we have been experiencing because they haven’t been through it themselves. But imagine being in your home, a place you are comfortable in, a place you’ve invested so much time and money to make feel comfortable and inviting, all to move into a new building that you don’t know, with half of your belongings because most were lost in the flood. It’s unimaginable, but it’s been reality for us.

My anxiety attacks made a surprise comeback. Today was my breaking point. I couldn’t breathe. I was close to passing out. All I wanted to do was vomit. I had to force myself to eat. I had to be reminded to breathe. People had to help me calm down.

Still, only a handful of people knew that I was not okay. How is it possible that I can be so broken, so unstable, so sick, and nobody even notices?

It has dawned on me: PEOPLE GO THROUGH THIS EVERY SINGLE DAY.

My own friends haven’t even checked on me. And they know what’s going on. They just do NOT care. And that’s sad.

I have people who don’t even know me and have been checking in on me, offering to help me, making sure I am fed and take breaks, and supporting me so that I don’t feel like I am broken. Thank God for angels on earth. THANK YOU GOD FOR GOOD PEOPLE!

As hard as this week has been, I would do it again in a heartbeat for my students. We have been through hell this week, and though it would never be a conscious choice, I know that each of us would suffer again if we knew it would help our students feel comfortable and loved.

I don’t know what to expect on Monday. I don’t know how many of my students will return. I don’t know how they will act, if they will be different, if they will even speak about the recent events. I don’t know anything.

I do know that I will be better for them. I will not let my stresses prevent me from loving them. I will not allow my anger and sadness affect my positive attitude with them. I will be the best me that I can be.

I know that small steps must be taken. I know that if I want to be the best me mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, I need to love myself and allow myself a sense of grace and understanding. I know I need to be patient with myself. I know that recovery isn’t a one-day thing.

I’m still struggling with thoughts of starving myself again. I’m still fighting the urge to allow people to disrespect me and my morals, forcing love to happen when it isn’t meant to. I still don’t believe I’m good enough to teach my students and don’t believe I can make a difference. But I will not give in. I won’t cave. I’ve fought it this long and I can keep going. I refuse to allow myself to fall back into that dark place.

Everyday is a new day full of choices and small steps. If God grants me a new day of life, I’ll continue to strive for a better me. I will continue to praise God in the hardest times, through all storms and the calmest days.

I will make it. I will. Everything is going to be okay.

Day 68. Today was rough. That might be an understatement, but I’m trying to be positive.

It’s not working.

I had a complete and utter mental breakdown at work today. Sometimes it just gets hard to be strong and hold it together. It’s like there are little fires everywhere that need to be put out, but only one can be put out at a time. Then, as soon as you put out that fire, another quickly ignites.

We are all at our breaking point. We haven’t even had full time to process the storm that fell upon us last week. Now we are being pushed to be ready, to get things done, to be good to go when our kids arrive. I just don’t see how that is possible…

I will do anything for my students. ANYTHING. Those are my kids. But how can I provide and be strong if I am not over the recent events that have occurred? We are between a rock and a hard place. There is no winning.

I will continue prayer. I will continue to trust that God is in control. But I will also continue crying. And I will also continue to be tired and love off of coffee, icy hot patches, and poor food choices. (I can’t win all the battles.)

Today is over. I will not worry about tomorrow because it is a new day and another chance for me to go in and try one more time. That’s all we really need to do in order to succeed; just get back up and try again.

I am not perfect. This process is not perfect. The outcome will not be perfect. And that’s okay.

Tomorrow is a new day.

It is done. I wonder how tired Jesus actually was when he said those words before he died on the cross. He had worked so hard to bring his father’s love to people and I can imagine that some of those people were probably hard to love or talk to. So how did he did it?

Yes, Jesus is divine and that’s probably a huge factor as to why he was able to love others the way he did, but he was still human. Though the loving part might have come easy, the liking part was probably hard. Sometimes people are just hard to like! Sometimes they do or say things that really don’t sit well with us. But we have to love them anyway.

This was a lesson I learned while running the disaster relief distribution center this week. Sometimes people came in and they were understanding and appreciative of the goods we did have and those we were out of. Other times, people would get mad at us and leave. It was a hard week, but we did it.

We were able to help about 325 families this entire week. It was nice being able to see that hope was being restored in their hearts. But some people were hard to deal with. So how did Jesus do it?

It seems counter-intuitive, but when we pray for patience, we are often met with situations that require us to be patient. And boy, was I met with those situations this week.

I hope serving his people will help me get God’s attention. I do it all to praise and glorify God.