Archives for posts with tag: Life

“Why am I having a panic attack before sleeping…” things I wonder to myself ALL. THE. TIME.

Writing set me off tonight. I reveal the most when I know nobody can hear me or judge my thoughts. Hence this blog (but apparently I have people who read, so don’t judge me please).

I know God is calling me to write. I just don’t know what he wants me to write, if anything specific. My dad keeps pushing me and I know that things don’t come out good if I am forcing them. I don’t like to write if I don’t feel like it. But there are days when all I want to do is write. I’m a very complex person as you can see (not really, just often confused by life).

I don’t know if it is the stress of this year at work, or if the seasons of my life are changing, but I feel called to move on. I’m still discerning whether it is an actual call from God, or if it’s me running away. However, the way I can tell is usually by my feelings towards leaving the people I work with.

In each job that I have left, I have felt a small type of remorse when saying goodbye. This time, I know it would pain me to leave because I can’t help but cry at the thought of not seeing my work family anymore. 3 years is a long time to work together, and it isn’t even THAT long. I just can’t fathom going away.

I do know I need time off. My mental health is suffering. Then that in turn is causing my physical health to suffer. It’s terrible. But I will understand if I have to go.

I don’t think I’ll understand if I have to stay though. Part of me knows why, but I wonder if this is really the spot for me. I do all that I do for my kids. But am I really making an impact or a dent in the world? There are so many more kids i could serve throughout the world. I know that is selfish thinking, but I just really want a break. I know God will ALWAYS give me strength to keep going if I am doing his will, but there are times when I really just want to curl up into a ball and rest.

I need rest. Maybe that will change my perspective.

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Days 109-110. I have high functioning anxiety. People deny it to be a disease, but I swear to you when you are crying uncontrollably for something small like “the line was too long at Sonic and I just wanted an iced tea,” you’ll get it. True story. It happened today.

I cried at work again. I really need to get a grip on that. It’s hard!!!!! But I’m trying and that’s all that matters, right…?

When I tell people that I have anxiety, I don’t think they fully understand what I mean. They usually brush off my statement by saying that “everybody is stressed.” But I’m not talking about everybody; I’m talking about me.

Do I need to be worrying about everybody else too? Am I now being selfish? Are my needs and emotions so minimal that they really don’t matter? Am I making a bigger deal out of this than I need to be? Should I even be bringing my feelings up in general?

Just an example of where my brain goes and how I immediately feel the anxiety kick in.

Anxiety isn’t something you just get over and move on from. Anxiety is so complex, yet the things that set it off can be so simple.

Anxiety is making the trip to get your car’s oil changed, then seeing the line and leaving because you are on the verge of tears and don’t want to cry in front of random people, then freaking out more because you didn’t get the oil changed.

Anxiety is crying because you are tired to the point of being able to fall asleep standing up, but feeling bad because you didn’t make a ┬álate night trip to visit your aunt.

Anxiety is walking down the hallway at work and yelling loudly because if you don’t release some tension you’ll breakdown and have a mental block that doesn’t allow you to even formulate sentences that describe your thoughts.

Anxiety is struggling to breathe and gasping for air because you are in full panic mode.

Anxiety is not being able to sleep because you are constantly thinking of things you could improve on, or things you’ve done wrong and no longer can go back and correct.

Anxiety is developing a stress-related and stress-causing nerve pain in your back that doesn’t even allow you to make the slightest moments without being in EXTREME pain.

Anxiety is always having your brain working at 150 mph and not slowing down enough to finish one thought before moving on to the next.

Anxiety is putting on a fake smile everyday and pretending to be fine when really you don’t feel that way at all.

I hate having anxiety. I hate barely dealing with it and just “coping” with it enough to be able to narrowly get by.

I wish people understood. I wish people had compassion and more love to share with those who are struggling. Until that day, I’ll be here struggling.

Days 101-102. I don’t understand how feelings work or form or disappear… is this knowledge we as humans are supposed to comprehend?

I’m back to being afraid of marriage. I’m afraid of committing to someone. I was in an okay spot, but today changed everything. Again.

It is incredibly depressing knowing that moments that are so insignificant to us can be molding another persons life or mindset. Truly remarkable how by one small word, or lack of, can impact a person so much. Can cause an emotional reaction. Can create emotional turmoil in another.

SOMETHING THAT IS SO INSIGNIFICANT TO YOU CHANGES SOMEONE ELSE!

How can that be okay? How is it ever okay to break someone’s heart and then just move on with your life as if it never happened? And to think that we go around doing this daily… there are really no words to describe this knowledge. It’s just sad.

Think about it, our hearts get broken everyday. It may not be a huge break, or maybe it might, but either way they are being chipped apart constantly by the smallest things. It could be by someone telling you you’re not good enough, someone saying your cooking doesn’t taste right, your jeans are fitting a little too snug, your hair looks bad, your makeup is subpar, your jokes aren’t funny, your attitude is unappreciated (even though nobody bothers to ask if you’re okay to figure out why you have an attitude to begin with), your shoes aren’t cool, your laugh is too high-pitched, you aren’t doing your job right, your nose is big, your ears are small, you look tired (even if you tried really hard to make yourself not look that way)… the list could go on forever.

I as a person break every single time I hear those things. And considering that those saying the words believe they are so insignificant, the small break in my heart is also probably not important either.

Then what do we do in return? We go and say those things to others! WHY DO WE DO THAT?? Weren’t we just broken? Don’t we know we will break another in the same way? Do we really want everyone to be broken just so that they can be in the same boat as us?

I don’t understand. I don’t think I’ll ever understand. I’m at a loss right now… I dont know where to go from here or how to feel. I’m utterly lost. I’m broken. I’m hurting.

And nobody knows or cares. That is the sad reality in the world we live in today. Everyone is so busy trying to patch up their cracks and heal their own pains that they forget to treat others with compassion and empathy. We forget to love our neighbor and forgive their brokenness. No wonder depression is as common as it is… nobody cares.

Even if they do care, we all must take the time to take care of ourselves. And what do the people do who don’t know how to care for themselves? Who do they turn to then? How do they get help?

Wouldn’t it make the most sense to just be kind all the time? Wouldn’t it be better for us to never have to heal our broken hearts because they were never broken at all? Then we could turn our attention to our brothers and sisters who really do need our help and build them up instead of allowing them to stay down.

I’ve always liked the quote “Why do we only rest in peace? Why can’t we live in it too?” Why is this so hard to achieve? How do we reverse all the bad things we’ve done and stop from doing them again? Is there any convincing to those who have already gone too far down the rabbit hole?

People often think I don’t care about their feelings. They all think I’m okay with hurting them and breaking their hearts and just being able to move on with my life, but that’s not me. Nobody understands my heart. Nobody sees my brokenness, nor my attempts to avoid creating theirs. I am placed into the same boat as the rest. Sometimes I think I deserve to be there too.

I have tried SO very hard not to hurt anyone or break their hearts. I’ve distanced myself from any potential dates or people who may think they like me but don’t know me at all. I’ve hurt too many already and I don’t want to go back to that life anymore. I don’t want to NOT care.

I know I can’t help feelings from forming, but I can stop them from growing. Or at least I will try to.

I am detached in such a way that only the one God sends to me will be able to reel me in. Only God can set my heart on fire so much so that I will then feel the need to share it. I don’t feel that for anyone now and I shouldn’t have to feel bad about that. I shouldn’t be made to feel bad about not wanting to be with anyone. I am waiting and being patient for the one who deserves me and that is okay!

I don’t know what others want from me, but I know what I want from myself… to love my neighbor and serve those who come to me. I think that’s really all that matters.

Days 96-100. Currently listening to the song titled “Placed on Hold” by Mutemath. I was asked to describe my love life in 3 words yesterday and I feel as though those words would suffice. The other 3 words would be “On God’s Time.” I know God wants me to wait; he’s told me so. He tells me each time I try to make feelings pop up out of thin air for random guys who are nice to me. Just because they are nice and good doesn’t mean they are meant for me. There are tons of kind people who I don’t need to be with. That shouldn’t be the only gauge in welcoming someone to my life.

I’m on hold. I’m not the best version of myself yet. I’m trying to get there on my own but I’m struggling. Sometimes I just want someone so that I know there will always be someone to like me when I don’t like myself, but I know things don’t work that way.

I need to love myself. I just struggle doing so.

Work has been progressively getting more stressful. I’m trying to stay positive, but it is hard to keep the optimism up. Especially when you also aren’t enjoying what you see in the mirror.

I’ve been stress eating and haven’t been able to workout since my gym got flooded and never reopened. All this food is adding pounds and I don’t enjoy looking at myself anymore. The feelings and urges of withholding food from myself are coming back. They’ve been tempting me, however I have been fighting the urge. It’s REALLY hard though.

Tonight, as I read what I’ve written days ago, I am saddened because of the way I see myself and the choices I’ve made these past couple of days. I spent all day between sleep and feeling sick from having 3 drinks last night and being so behind on sleep. My body no longer bounces back like before. I am tired all the time to the point where I feel sick. I just want rest. I want to know that I am not wasting my time doing nothing. That all this time I’m pouring into work isn’t in vain or a waste. I just want to feel that I don’t feel this way without reason.

It lies hard on my soul thinking non-stop day and night that I am not being seen as valuable. What more can I be doing? I don’t want to take my blessings for granted. I’ve been failing constantly and not working hard enough to fight all temptations that come my way.

I need a fresh start. I must genuinely ask God for forgiveness then wake up and try again. I can’t go through the motions anymore. I have to do better and be better.

Days 92-94. God is so good. If those words could be believed by everyone, all issues would be solved. We would all be healed. We would all feel loved. Nobody would be lonely…

I went to Encounter this weekend and I left different completely changed. I am not the same person I once was and I am so proud of that! I don’t understand why anyone would ever want to stay the same their entire life. It’s okay to change. It’s okay to move on from others and realize that common interests are no longer similar. That is all okay!! But we sometimes get scared that our change will not be accepted by others or liked by those around us so we hide it. We fake our feelings, interactions, likes, attitude, even our emotions to please others who DON’T even matter half the time or even stay in contact with us. So why do we care? Why do we need their approval?

Shouldn’t we be trying to seek the approval of God instead? Isn’t that the only person we should ever try to impress? So why don’t we? Why is it so hard for others to believe in the existence of the greatest thing, simply because they don’t want to fathom having to follow “rules” or beliefs that contradict their lifestyle? How could anyone not care enough about their own soul that they wouldn’t want to do anything to help themselves?

I can’t stop caring. I can’t deny God’s presence in my life and within my heart. He entered my heart this weekend and made a home there with no plans to leave. I AM changed. I will continue to change! And I’m okay with that. Everyone else needs to be too.

Days 89-91. I have to get this off my chest. I am drowning. I am struggling. I am stressed. I am broken. I am tired. I am lonely.

I think the last statement isn’t entirely accurate. I FEEL lonely is a better way of expressing that feeling. How often are we around people all day and feel alone? Feel like nobody understands what we’re going through? Feel like there’s no point in trying to express yourself of explain what’s going on. I am there right now.

I don’t think there is any way to accurately express in enough detail the things that I am dealing with on a daily basis at work due to us being relocated because of the hurricane. Something new and crazy happens everyday.

Since Monday to today (Thursday), one of my favorite kids has been arrested and will likely be locked up for many years, one of the cheerleaders on my squad got into a fight and is now off the team, I haven’t had a chance to simply plan with my team about what we are teaching and our new teachers are completely lost, my students aren’t comprehending information I’m trying to teach them without a working computer/internet or a projector, I have woken up to news that my former student went missing, and I have averaged a max of 6 hours of sleep per night.

It’s been very hard adjusting to our new building. I am grateful for my best friends for letting my vent and get my mind off of work. I am trying to do better about not using my phone in front of my kids or around friends. I want to be mindful of their time.

I’m still working on being patient and listening to others. I am not completely there, but small steps will help.

Days 86-88. I don’t understand why certain things happen to undeserving people. I know choices are made and consequences are given, but honestly, how often do we bother to actually listen to the stories of people before we place judgement on them? Rarely, if ever.

People judge you based on your looks, thoughts, words, actions, work-ethic, choices, how you treat others, and the list goes on. And what do we do in return? Judge them back. We don’t try to understand anyone. We already have our minds made up and how sad is that when we don’t even know the full story.

We don’t know if the person next to us is dealing with issues related to their homes, families, work, friends, health, school, etc. We just jump to conclusions and base people off of someone else’s description. Rarely do we even give people a first chance, let alone a second one.

Why are we like that?

I’ve been thinking about my kids a lot. I’ve been thinking about my team a lot. I’ve been thinking about our building a lot. And I’m trying to put these practices into effect.

How can I listen to each person I work with and not give them a chance? It’s unfair.

All we need to do is be sympathetic and empathize with those we come across. And really, just listening does the greatest good.

I am dedicating myself to take more time to listen. Actually listen and pay attention. I want people to feel alive and good when they speak to me or come across my path. If I’d expect that from others, then I must do it too.