Archives for posts with tag: Life

Day 368. (Year 2, day 3)

The head and the heart often don’t agree. I find myself in the struggle of wanting so badly with my heart but not using my head to give me answers.

Sometimes it’s really as simple as “that person is not the one for you.”

Sometimes it’s as hard as “you might love two people at once.”

In the battle of the head and the heart, I don’t know which to choose.

In the battle of the head and the heart, you aren’t supposed to choose.

It’s not meant to be a battle at all.

A wise person feels with their heart and sees with their mind. One cannot do much good without the other. But one can do so much bad without the other.

The heart is often referred to as one of the most fragile things, yet when it breaks, it’s strong enough to rebuild itself. It is constantly rebuilding itself.

Sometimes the first chance is not the only chance we get. It takes time to become who you are supposed to be. And no matter how much we try to make ourselves into someone new, someone better, someone prettier, we will never lose our head or our heart.

It’s time we use it.

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Days 328-359. I’ve made peace with my past. I’ve understood that I should not be with certain people. I’ve realized why we broke up. And I’m better because of it.

I’ve been in this relationship for almost 8 months. I’m still debating if it’s what I want. Is happiness enough to keep you with someone? Is love enough to last forever without work? How do you know when someone is the one?

Logic challenges everything. I’m happy, but what do I really want? Do I want someone who is familiar with my customs and culture? Or do I want to stay with the one who does anything and everything to make sure I’m happy?

Should they both be the same?

Do I simply move on?

Do I try again?

Will I always be trying again and again if I let this one go?

Do I question it because I love him or do I question it because I don’t want him to get hurt?

Do I even have feelings to be damaged anymore?

What do I want?

Days 282-327. I haven’t written in over a month. I have to get better at this.

Today is Grandpa’s birthday. I miss him more than ever. I felt him around me all day, but all I wanted was to sit in the recliner next to his and read while he watched tv like I used to do. He would give me a side glance and wonder what I was doing, then turn and take a nap.

I wish he was still here with us. I want to laugh at his jokes and mannerisms. I want to eat next to him and watch him put too much pepper on his eggs. I want to make him his cup of coffee and let him tell me how much milk he wants in it.

But he’s in Heaven now. He’s enjoying true happiness. An immeasurable amount of joy that he deserves.

I love him. I’ll always love him and want to see him again. He will always be my number one favorite person. I’ll never forget him. Ever.

Days 251-282. Days have passed where I have told myself to write and still I do not.

Thoughts go through my head constantly and I tell myself, “You should really write this down to remember this,” yet I still don’t. So many memories, so many inspirational moments, all gone into the abyss of my mind to never be remembered again. Maybe in the future a thought will trigger these words and memories, but there is only a slim chance of occurrence.

I used to write for myself. I never wanted to please anyone other than me with my writing; though it was rare that I ever pleased myself, since I am my harshest critic. Now though, I post for agreement; I post for likes; I post for amusement. I do not like this modern social platform where the significance of words can be so belittled and the beauty of prose is lost among the lack of tact within “writing.”

These days, everyone has something to say, but nobody wants to listen. Nobody wants to read. Nobody wants to spend any extra time informing themselves of things worth learning or information worth acquiring. We are okay with being ignorant. We are complacent with just going through the motions and feeling nothing at all while scrolling through post after post, numb to the world.

I refuse to be emotionless. We do not have emotions to simply ignore them. Words weren’t created to be without meaning! We must feel when we write, and we must feel when we read.

If we don’t, what use is there in living?

Therefore, I must continue to write, to document, to feel. I must do it for myself first and foremost. Then, after my soul is content, I will share.

The journey of the hidden blog continues.

Days 203-227. I haven’t written in so long. I forgot I even had a blog. Life update ahead.

Work has been even more of a train wreck than usual. A coworker quit, and now I am the lucky individual teaching their classes as well as my own. It’s been busy and stressful and extremely tiring. I cry often because I’m so worn out and often feel like I am doing it all for nothing since these students will be measured by an exam that they will not be prepared for. Of course I try not to cry in front of others, but at this point of the year, anything goes.

I miss my grandparents. I think of them often and I still long to see them. I feel their absence deeply. I try hard to contain my tears because I feel that I have to move on, but I know it’s not that simple. I just cannot allow myself to break down in all aspects of life. I need control over at least one thing… yeah right.

I have been in a relationship for 3 months and haven’t found an excuse to run away yet. With each day that goes by, I get more scared that the love I have for him will end up hurting him. I don’t always trust myself. But he is patient and I want to take it slow. I have no idea what I want in life anymore. There are days when I don’t know if I should even want him. But I guess I still do. So here we are.

I hope I can be more honest with myself after this work year is over. I hope I can learn what love really is in this relationship. I hope alcohol isn’t my only outlet when I feel stressed.

I hope I pray more and write more.

I hope I think better of myself. I hope I have time to think of myself at all.

Days 179-199. 20 days is the longest I’ve ever gone without writing. So much has happened; I’m just not sure why I chose not to write about it.

Maybe I’m lazy. Maybe I’m overworked and tired. Maybe I’m still in a state of depression following the deaths of my grandparents. Maybe… I just didn’t want to write.

But now I do.

I’ve experienced a lot of love and a lot of change over the last month. I’ve required myself to partake in experiences that I would normally never be a part of due to fear or anxiety. I’ve pushed myself to feel and see love in all relationships, even when all I want to do is run and hide or push people away. I’ve consumed good food and coffee with relish and didn’t feel guilty about it (just extremely full). And I’ve seen God’s work in all aspects of life, even though I’m still working on the communication part.

I am alive in every sense of the word and feeling. I never want to be asleep in the world again.

I vow to push myself this year, out of my comfort zone, to do what is right without without fear, to no longer be silent and speak what is on my mind, and to treat myself better (emotionally and physically).

I want to be so intimate with God that I can feel his breath upon me.

I have a lot of work to do.

Days 166-168. Grandpa is in heaven now.

He passed away the night dad told us about his decision to stop treatment. I somehow always knew this would happen, but I didn’t think it would happen in the manner that it did.

When I woke up Thursday morning, I knew. I felt it in my heart before my parents came in and told me. My heart is broken; it has been since that day.

I don’t want to accept it, but I know I have to. I know he is with grandma and they aren’t suffering anymore. I am consoled by this knowledge. But I still miss him. I always will.

I can’t express this grief. There aren’t any words I could use to explain my emotions.

How do I describe the look in his eyes when he saw me after several weeks, and the smile that appeared when I walked up to give him a hug?

How can I put into words the glance and wink he would give me when he was being mischievous and up to no good?

How can I write about the way his hair stood up in several directions, even after me and him both continuously trying to flatten it down?

I miss him in a way that only my heart can yearn for. I won’t ever stop. I’ll never forget him. He is in me and I’ll carry him everywhere I go.

I am my grandfather’s granddaughter.