Archives for posts with tag: Life

Days 203-227. I haven’t written in so long. I forgot I even had a blog. Life update ahead.

Work has been even more of a train wreck than usual. A coworker quit, and now I am the lucky individual teaching their classes as well as my own. It’s been busy and stressful and extremely tiring. I cry often because I’m so worn out and often feel like I am doing it all for nothing since these students will be measured by an exam that they will not be prepared for. Of course I try not to cry in front of others, but at this point of the year, anything goes.

I miss my grandparents. I think of them often and I still long to see them. I feel their absence deeply. I try hard to contain my tears because I feel that I have to move on, but I know it’s not that simple. I just cannot allow myself to break down in all aspects of life. I need control over at least one thing… yeah right.

I have been in a relationship for 3 months and haven’t found an excuse to run away yet. With each day that goes by, I get more scared that the love I have for him will end up hurting him. I don’t always trust myself. But he is patient and I want to take it slow. I have no idea what I want in life anymore. There are days when I don’t know if I should even want him. But I guess I still do. So here we are.

I hope I can be more honest with myself after this work year is over. I hope I can learn what love really is in this relationship. I hope alcohol isn’t my only outlet when I feel stressed.

I hope I pray more and write more.

I hope I think better of myself. I hope I have time to think of myself at all.


Days 179-199. 20 days is the longest I’ve ever gone without writing. So much has happened; I’m just not sure why I chose not to write about it.

Maybe I’m lazy. Maybe I’m overworked and tired. Maybe I’m still in a state of depression following the deaths of my grandparents. Maybe… I just didn’t want to write.

But now I do.

I’ve experienced a lot of love and a lot of change over the last month. I’ve required myself to partake in experiences that I would normally never be a part of due to fear or anxiety. I’ve pushed myself to feel and see lpve in all relationships, even when all I want to do is run and hide or push people away. I’ve consumed good food and coffee with relish and didn’t feel guilty about it (just extremely full). And I’ve seen God’s work in all aspects of life, even though I’m still working on the communication part.

I am alive in every sense of the word and feeling. I never want to be asleep in the world again.

I vow to push myself this year, out of my comfort zone, to do what is right without without fear, to no longer be silent and speak what is on my mind, and to treat myself better (emotionally and physically).

I want to be so intimate with God that I can feel his breath upon me.

I have a lot of work to do.

Days 166-168. Grandpa is in heaven now.

He passed away the night dad told us about his decision to stop treatment. I somehow always knew this would happen, but I didn’t think it would happen in the manner that it did.

When I woke up Thursday morning, I knew. I felt it in my heart before my parents came in and told me. My heart is broken; it has been since that day.

I don’t want to accept it, but I know I have to. I know he is with grandma and they aren’t suffering anymore. I am consoled by this knowledge. But I still miss him. I always will.

I can’t express this grief. There aren’t any words I could use to explain my emotions.

How do I describe the look in his eyes when he saw me after several weeks, and the smile that appeared when I walked up to give him a hug?

How can I put into words the glance and wink he would give me when he was being mischievous and up to no good?

How can I write about the way his hair stood up in several directions, even after me and him both continuously trying to flatten it down?

I miss him in a way that only my heart can yearn for. I won’t ever stop. I’ll never forget him. He is in me and I’ll carry him everywhere I go.

I am my grandfather’s granddaughter.

Days 158-165. Grandpa is dying.

My sweet grandfather. My very first love.

I am lost.

It can happen at any moment. I knew it already. I felt it coming.

As much as I’ve tried to prepare myself, I just cannot accept it yet. But I know I have to.

I know nobody will be on Earth together forever. Death is inevitable. There is no avoiding it.

I am relieved to have said the last words “I love you” to him. That is what is bringing me peace.

For now, I will pray that he is comforted and at peace, that his mind is clear and he may feel God’s presence with him throughout his final days.

He will never fully leave me. He is in my heart and I will carry him wherever I may go.

Days 153-157. I’m staring out of my window at the Christmas lights that are twinkling on and off.

It reminds me of my feelings about the holidays. They look so pretty from the outside looking in, but from the inside looking out they’re annoying.

I wish I didn’t have these random mood swings. What if I am bipolar? Is it really just stress?

I’m exhausted. These last 2 days took a lot out of me. With grandma’s wake service and funeral, I didn’t have much to give to others today. I felt out of it. I still do.

I know that God can help fix my feelings and emotions, but I’m not done ruining my life yet. Isn’t that how it works? We do stuff and then get so far down the rabbit hole that we don’t know how to get ourselves out.

And then once we have made a complete mess of everything, we look up from the muck we are in and tell God to fix it.

And if he doesn’t choose to fix it, then we blame him and say it’s all his fault when nothing happens.

And that’s how life works.

And I hope it stops soon.

Days 149-152. I’ve had so much trouble getting myself to write lately. I don’t know where I’m at. I guess I can start with this week, maybe?

This week was _______________.

No idea what I should fill in the blank with.

Long? Crappy? Rough? Terrible?

All of the above?

I hate everything at the moment. The only good thing going on is my boyfriend. But I’ve had so many troubles with that already I almost want to give it up.

My family life is crap. I don’t even have a family. Just me and my mom, and even she turns away from me sometimes. Especially now knowing about my boyfriend and her disapproval of his religion.

My brothers only worry about their own lives. I could die and they probably wouldn’t find out on their own until next month; that’s how rare it is that they talk to me.

My dad decided this week that he doesn’t have to deal with his issues or with our family so he will just run away instead of resolving things. Which is what he did at 11 pm the night before Thanksgiving.

I spent the entire Thanksgiving day laying in my bed, crying on and off about my life and how much I have grown to dislike the holidays.

I used to love the holidays. I loved the season. I loved how my family would unite and spend the day together talking and laughing. Now, we don’t even see each other. And when we do talk, it’s mostly arguments and judgements placed upon each other.

I don’t ever want to compare, but I see other families and their ability to talk and be around each other all day and not argue or fight and I wonder why we can’t be the same. Why can’t we be normal and sane?

Maybe one day I will have a family of my own and I will be able to unite us all together. Maybe not.

Until then I will try not to take for granted all the blessings I have, whether appreciated or not.

Days 138-144. I started counseling sessions with my mom. Not sure how it’s going to workout.

She loves me, but not in the unconditional way. Though I’m sure she will continue to love me even if I make a mistake, I feel like she will never look past it.

She’s like a shadow that looms behind me constantly trying to influence my mind to make the decisions she wants.

I wish for that to not be true, since she does want what’s best for us, but its hard to picture.

I know all I think is just assumption. I know the truth is the complete opposite, but I can’t help thinking that way when things go awry.

Praying counseling works.