Archives for posts with tag: Love

“Why am I having a panic attack before sleeping…” things I wonder to myself ALL. THE. TIME.

Writing set me off tonight. I reveal the most when I know nobody can hear me or judge my thoughts. Hence this blog (but apparently I have people who read, so don’t judge me please).

I know God is calling me to write. I just don’t know what he wants me to write, if anything specific. My dad keeps pushing me and I know that things don’t come out good if I am forcing them. I don’t like to write if I don’t feel like it. But there are days when all I want to do is write. I’m a very complex person as you can see (not really, just often confused by life).

I don’t know if it is the stress of this year at work, or if the seasons of my life are changing, but I feel called to move on. I’m still discerning whether it is an actual call from God, or if it’s me running away. However, the way I can tell is usually by my feelings towards leaving the people I work with.

In each job that I have left, I have felt a small type of remorse when saying goodbye. This time, I know it would pain me to leave because I can’t help but cry at the thought of not seeing my work family anymore. 3 years is a long time to work together, and it isn’t even THAT long. I just can’t fathom going away.

I do know I need time off. My mental health is suffering. Then that in turn is causing my physical health to suffer. It’s terrible. But I will understand if I have to go.

I don’t think I’ll understand if I have to stay though. Part of me knows why, but I wonder if this is really the spot for me. I do all that I do for my kids. But am I really making an impact or a dent in the world? There are so many more kids i could serve throughout the world. I know that is selfish thinking, but I just really want a break. I know God will ALWAYS give me strength to keep going if I am doing his will, but there are times when I really just want to curl up into a ball and rest.

I need rest. Maybe that will change my perspective.

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Days 107-108. God loves me. I know it in my heart and soul. I feel all the way to my core. I was reassured this weekend of this very fact and I have never felt more… normal.

Before when I would go on retreats, I’d leave with a spiritual high that was incomparable to any other feeling. But after a few days, the feeling would fade and I would be right back to the same way as before.

I didn’t leave this weekend with a spiritual high; I left with so much love in my heart that I can’t contain it. I need to share it with others.

This sensation is best compared to when you get a new gadget or piece of clothing that you need to show off to everyone so they can see how nice it is. Except this love I have isn’t showy or able to fade after a short stint of having it.

This love is refreshing and renewing. It can literally change your life and save you from anything you were struggling with before encountering it.

I don’t feel like a different person; my core has stayed the same. I simply feel like a better version of myself, and I think that is so incredible. Why wouldn’t anyone want to experience this type of love?

I was afraid of love, but I’m not anymore. I know what true love is. I know that it will hurt and it isn’t pretty and it will take lots of work, but it will ALWAYS be worth it. It will always forgive, always accept, and always push me to be the best version of myself.

If it doesn’t fit that description, it’s not love. It’s not real.

I refuse to allow anyone I know and anyone I meet to experience anything less.

I have been through many fake relationships with fake love that needs to please and seek acceptance. None of them were worth it. There is only one person who is worth it, and that is God. He is calling us and waiting for us to meet him. Are we going to ignore his call, or will we accept his love for us?

Days 103-106. I am on a spiritual encounter to find Christ. AKA I’m on a retreat. It was hard coming and leaving work behind. It was difficult finishing all things I had to do to get ready just to come in general.

Yesterday was very stressful and it feels as though I have lived 2 days in one since then, as though yesterday happened last week. I had so many things on my to do list and despite needing to arrive early to work, I still stopped to buy my coworkers breakfast to treat them that morning. As I parked and waited for my food to be delivered to me, I stared at the clock and new I’d be late. When I finally got the food, I began to reverse in order to get out of the parking lot, however the car behind me continued to go forward despite seeing me moving. Left with limited space, I ended up backing into a pole. I tried to shake it off and speed to work to make it on time, but I was more rushed trying to carry everything in even though I asked for help and nobody came down to assist. To top it off, the breakfast I purchased for myself wasn’t even in the bag. Furthermore, as I took a sip of my coffee which I really needed that day, I realized it tasted nasty and wasn’t drinkable.

This was all before the hour of 8 a.m.

So many more things happened throughout the day to make my life more inconvenient. I gave up on positivity; I just wanted to leave for the day. I was thoroughly exhausted and I arrived to my weekend retreat with that feeling.

I came to experience God in a way i dont normally do, but all I have done is fall asleep. I am too tired to focus. Every movement is tiring. My body aches. My nerve pain has returned and is keeping me watching every movement.

I know God is here though. I know he is with me and within me. My plan this weekend is to feel him, even if for a brief moment. No expectations, just hope.

I will update more as the weekend progresses.

Days 101-102. I don’t understand how feelings work or form or disappear… is this knowledge we as humans are supposed to comprehend?

I’m back to being afraid of marriage. I’m afraid of committing to someone. I was in an okay spot, but today changed everything. Again.

It is incredibly depressing knowing that moments that are so insignificant to us can be molding another persons life or mindset. Truly remarkable how by one small word, or lack of, can impact a person so much. Can cause an emotional reaction. Can create emotional turmoil in another.

SOMETHING THAT IS SO INSIGNIFICANT TO YOU CHANGES SOMEONE ELSE!

How can that be okay? How is it ever okay to break someone’s heart and then just move on with your life as if it never happened? And to think that we go around doing this daily… there are really no words to describe this knowledge. It’s just sad.

Think about it, our hearts get broken everyday. It may not be a huge break, or maybe it might, but either way they are being chipped apart constantly by the smallest things. It could be by someone telling you you’re not good enough, someone saying your cooking doesn’t taste right, your jeans are fitting a little too snug, your hair looks bad, your makeup is subpar, your jokes aren’t funny, your attitude is unappreciated (even though nobody bothers to ask if you’re okay to figure out why you have an attitude to begin with), your shoes aren’t cool, your laugh is too high-pitched, you aren’t doing your job right, your nose is big, your ears are small, you look tired (even if you tried really hard to make yourself not look that way)… the list could go on forever.

I as a person break every single time I hear those things. And considering that those saying the words believe they are so insignificant, the small break in my heart is also probably not important either.

Then what do we do in return? We go and say those things to others! WHY DO WE DO THAT?? Weren’t we just broken? Don’t we know we will break another in the same way? Do we really want everyone to be broken just so that they can be in the same boat as us?

I don’t understand. I don’t think I’ll ever understand. I’m at a loss right now… I dont know where to go from here or how to feel. I’m utterly lost. I’m broken. I’m hurting.

And nobody knows or cares. That is the sad reality in the world we live in today. Everyone is so busy trying to patch up their cracks and heal their own pains that they forget to treat others with compassion and empathy. We forget to love our neighbor and forgive their brokenness. No wonder depression is as common as it is… nobody cares.

Even if they do care, we all must take the time to take care of ourselves. And what do the people do who don’t know how to care for themselves? Who do they turn to then? How do they get help?

Wouldn’t it make the most sense to just be kind all the time? Wouldn’t it be better for us to never have to heal our broken hearts because they were never broken at all? Then we could turn our attention to our brothers and sisters who really do need our help and build them up instead of allowing them to stay down.

I’ve always liked the quote “Why do we only rest in peace? Why can’t we live in it too?” Why is this so hard to achieve? How do we reverse all the bad things we’ve done and stop from doing them again? Is there any convincing to those who have already gone too far down the rabbit hole?

People often think I don’t care about their feelings. They all think I’m okay with hurting them and breaking their hearts and just being able to move on with my life, but that’s not me. Nobody understands my heart. Nobody sees my brokenness, nor my attempts to avoid creating theirs. I am placed into the same boat as the rest. Sometimes I think I deserve to be there too.

I have tried SO very hard not to hurt anyone or break their hearts. I’ve distanced myself from any potential dates or people who may think they like me but don’t know me at all. I’ve hurt too many already and I don’t want to go back to that life anymore. I don’t want to NOT care.

I know I can’t help feelings from forming, but I can stop them from growing. Or at least I will try to.

I am detached in such a way that only the one God sends to me will be able to reel me in. Only God can set my heart on fire so much so that I will then feel the need to share it. I don’t feel that for anyone now and I shouldn’t have to feel bad about that. I shouldn’t be made to feel bad about not wanting to be with anyone. I am waiting and being patient for the one who deserves me and that is okay!

I don’t know what others want from me, but I know what I want from myself… to love my neighbor and serve those who come to me. I think that’s really all that matters.

I can’t hear rain fall without thinking of the hurricane. I have flashbacks to all that occurred in those weeks… and the fact that we at my campus are still living in the aftermath is rough. I can’t rest. I can’t move on. I am still healing and trying to make it through, but it’s not easy.

I have been able to talk myself into getting up and going to work with a positive mindset, even when I don’t want to. Then today happens. I get in my car, having already pep talked myself into feigning happiness, and I hear the news about Vegas. I hear about how many people are dead and injured. I hear all the stories of people who survived the attack and my heart breaks.

I check with my family to make sure they are safe, then I pray.

I don’t understand. But I also don’t believe our human brain is made to comprehend these instances. We are made to react and our first reaction is what makes us who we are. We are defined by those actions.

Will we go out and help or will we deny that anything is wrong and place the blame on God?

I read something that seriously angered me today. It was a comic of a girl asking a boy “Why would God allow this?” and the guy responds, “because God doesn’t exist so focus on reality and fix your gun laws.” Part of that statement is correct; yes, we need to correct our gun laws, but the fact that people honestly believe because of all the tragedy occurring that a good God does not exist is unfathomable to me.

Why can’t anyone own up to the fact that we are the ones responsible for our actions? People make choices everyday. It doesn’t matter how small or insignificant they may seem… sometimes all it takes for someone to lose faith or revolt against others is something “small and insignificant.”

I vow to try my best to love others, even when they don’t deserve it. I vow to be kind to others, even when they make me mad. I vow to be patient with others, even when they are driving me crazy. And I vow to say at least one thoughtful and kind thing to those who cross my path each day, even if I don’t know them well.

The world needs so much love… soooo much love. Will we contribute to making the world a better place for those who follow us, or will we simply let it be the same as it continues to be?

Life is full of choices. We simply need to make the choices that will lead us to be better people.

Days 89-91. I have to get this off my chest. I am drowning. I am struggling. I am stressed. I am broken. I am tired. I am lonely.

I think the last statement isn’t entirely accurate. I FEEL lonely is a better way of expressing that feeling. How often are we around people all day and feel alone? Feel like nobody understands what we’re going through? Feel like there’s no point in trying to express yourself of explain what’s going on. I am there right now.

I don’t think there is any way to accurately express in enough detail the things that I am dealing with on a daily basis at work due to us being relocated because of the hurricane. Something new and crazy happens everyday.

Since Monday to today (Thursday), one of my favorite kids has been arrested and will likely be locked up for many years, one of the cheerleaders on my squad got into a fight and is now off the team, I haven’t had a chance to simply plan with my team about what we are teaching and our new teachers are completely lost, my students aren’t comprehending information I’m trying to teach them without a working computer/internet or a projector, I have woken up to news that my former student went missing, and I have averaged a max of 6 hours of sleep per night.

It’s been very hard adjusting to our new building. I am grateful for my best friends for letting my vent and get my mind off of work. I am trying to do better about not using my phone in front of my kids or around friends. I want to be mindful of their time.

I’m still working on being patient and listening to others. I am not completely there, but small steps will help.

Days 76-78. I had to get out of town to relax and refresh my mind. Work has me crazy beyond belief. I’m emotionally stressed and finally broke down Friday after holding it together all week.

I’m so tired.

But, I did finally have a chance to come and visit my dad and grandpa. It has been almost a year since dad moved in with grandpa to care for him. Over the course of these months, I have finally realized what people with no father’s must feel daily. It’s difficult. Only I think it’s worse for people who were once so close to their dad’s to then go from seeing them everyday to maybe once a month, twice if you’re lucky. I hate having to resort to texting my father “goodnight” or “good morning” when I was once able to give him a peck on the cheek and tell him “see ya later” instead.

I miss little things such as drinking a cup of coffee with him, or dancing outside to new music he’s discovered. It makes me cry.

Yet one thing that has come of this experience is me being more appreciative of the things I have in life. Of knowing that everything doesn’t last forever and I should appreciate small moments that may seem irrelevant to others, but have such an impact on the mind and heart that they are nearly impossible to ignore.

I love my father. I love his quirkiness. I love his tendencies to ask me to make the weirdest foods/deserts. I love that he loves coffee as much as me. I love how he will always be up for getting ice cream with me, even if it’s at 10 in the evening. I love his laugh. I love his serious tone of voice. I even love his snore when he falls asleep on the recliner.

He is the person that has molded me into the human I am now. He has impacted me to the point where I am not afraid to be myself and I will never be too shy to speak my mind. He doesn’t know the word “embarrassment” and always thinks that honesty is essential.

I am my father’s daughter. I am quirky. I am too loud at times. I never let people leave my presence without expressing my true thoughts. I have a voice because of my father. I have a personality because of my father. I have love because of my father.

Even if he isn’t always with me physically, I carry him in my heart and soul everywhere I go.