Archives for posts with tag: Love

Day 368. (Year 2, day 3)

The head and the heart often don’t agree. I find myself in the struggle of wanting so badly with my heart but not using my head to give me answers.

Sometimes it’s really as simple as “that person is not the one for you.”

Sometimes it’s as hard as “you might love two people at once.”

In the battle of the head and the heart, I don’t know which to choose.

In the battle of the head and the heart, you aren’t supposed to choose.

It’s not meant to be a battle at all.

A wise person feels with their heart and sees with their mind. One cannot do much good without the other. But one can do so much bad without the other.

The heart is often referred to as one of the most fragile things, yet when it breaks, it’s strong enough to rebuild itself. It is constantly rebuilding itself.

Sometimes the first chance is not the only chance we get. It takes time to become who you are supposed to be. And no matter how much we try to make ourselves into someone new, someone better, someone prettier, we will never lose our head or our heart.

It’s time we use it.

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Days 362-367. It’s been a year since I’ve began this blogging journey. I told myself I’d make it public after the year, but I’m not sure if I’m ready for that yet.

I’ve spent this year trying to work through my anxiety and the depressive thoughts I sometimes have. It has been difficult for me to accept that I think a certain way about myself. Me, the person who would never allow someone to talk down on me or treat me poorly, talks down on herself and treats herself poorly.

I am a failure. I am a liar. I am a cheat.

How does God still love me? How is that possible?

My God is so merciful. Without his mercy I don’t know where I’d be. I’m so lost already, but I know he’s with me in my confusion and in my despair.

At times I feel like I make life harder for myself. I let myself be manipulated by things that may not be true and I have no clue how to get out of the situation.

Yet God is still there. He never tires. He never loses patience. He just wants me back.

Now I just need to find my way back.

Days 360-361.

It’s almost going to be a full year since I’ve started this blog. Wow. I don’t think I feel very different. But honestly, maybe I do.

What have I accomplished within this time? What have I done to make myself a better person? How have I become more empowered?

I thought I was struggling with a choice 2 days ago when in reality, I had the answer all along.

I have accomplished becoming a better, more empowered woman just within the last two days.

The past has a way of circling around again and sometimes making you question your life choices. The answers truly show you where your heart lies.

Mine belongs to me, but each day I wake up, I choose to give it to the one I love.

I had the chance to go back again and lend it to one who didn’t deserve it. Yet when the opportunity presented itself, I didn’t give in.

There are times when it’s hard to keep choosing the same person over and over every single day of your life. In fact, there may always be some grass that looks greener on the other side. And you may be tempted to take your heart and go check it out. But before you do, think about the one you would leave. Think of how they may be choosing to give you their heart every single day, no matter the state of the grass next door.

If you can leave them, then you aren’t meant to be.

If you can’t, keep watering your grass together.

“Love is patient. Love is kind. It is not jealous, it is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never fails.” – Corinthians 13:4-8

Nothing good comes easy. Choose the fight.

Days 328-359. I’ve made peace with my past. I’ve understood that I should not be with certain people. I’ve realized why we broke up. And I’m better because of it.

I’ve been in this relationship for almost 8 months. I’m still debating if it’s what I want. Is happiness enough to keep you with someone? Is love enough to last forever without work? How do you know when someone is the one?

Logic challenges everything. I’m happy, but what do I really want? Do I want someone who is familiar with my customs and culture? Or do I want to stay with the one who does anything and everything to make sure I’m happy?

Should they both be the same?

Do I simply move on?

Do I try again?

Will I always be trying again and again if I let this one go?

Do I question it because I love him or do I question it because I don’t want him to get hurt?

Do I even have feelings to be damaged anymore?

What do I want?

Days 282-327. I haven’t written in over a month. I have to get better at this.

Today is Grandpa’s birthday. I miss him more than ever. I felt him around me all day, but all I wanted was to sit in the recliner next to his and read while he watched tv like I used to do. He would give me a side glance and wonder what I was doing, then turn and take a nap.

I wish he was still here with us. I want to laugh at his jokes and mannerisms. I want to eat next to him and watch him put too much pepper on his eggs. I want to make him his cup of coffee and let him tell me how much milk he wants in it.

But he’s in Heaven now. He’s enjoying true happiness. An immeasurable amount of joy that he deserves.

I love him. I’ll always love him and want to see him again. He will always be my number one favorite person. I’ll never forget him. Ever.

Days 228-251. Life is crazy. All I want to do is write, but I never have the time. So much has gone on I don’t even know where to begin.

What I do know is that I’ve encountered God in a way I’ve never known. He is within me. Within!!! Isn’t that so powerful?

He is in all that I do and I get to share his love with others. I just cannot fathom the amount of love he has for me. For us.

I don’t think anyone ever looks around at others who are so different from them and remember that God loves them too. God loves our enemies and they are his children who are also invited to sit at his table in heaven.

That, my friends, is powerful.

I don’t always want to love others. I don’t always want to love myself. I don’t always want to love my boyfriend. But I do because God loves me. He loved me first and he isn’t finished loving me yet.

I immersed myself into silence over the weekend and sat with God while be embraced me and showed me just how much he loves me. He will never leave me or abandon me because he is within me. There is no escaping his love.

This is something that should be celebrated. Love should always be celebrated! There should never be a moment where you fail to say that you love them. Never.

Days 179-199. 20 days is the longest I’ve ever gone without writing. So much has happened; I’m just not sure why I chose not to write about it.

Maybe I’m lazy. Maybe I’m overworked and tired. Maybe I’m still in a state of depression following the deaths of my grandparents. Maybe… I just didn’t want to write.

But now I do.

I’ve experienced a lot of love and a lot of change over the last month. I’ve required myself to partake in experiences that I would normally never be a part of due to fear or anxiety. I’ve pushed myself to feel and see love in all relationships, even when all I want to do is run and hide or push people away. I’ve consumed good food and coffee with relish and didn’t feel guilty about it (just extremely full). And I’ve seen God’s work in all aspects of life, even though I’m still working on the communication part.

I am alive in every sense of the word and feeling. I never want to be asleep in the world again.

I vow to push myself this year, out of my comfort zone, to do what is right without without fear, to no longer be silent and speak what is on my mind, and to treat myself better (emotionally and physically).

I want to be so intimate with God that I can feel his breath upon me.

I have a lot of work to do.