Archives for posts with tag: LovingYourself

Days 107-108. God loves me. I know it in my heart and soul. I feel all the way to my core. I was reassured this weekend of this very fact and I have never felt more… normal.

Before when I would go on retreats, I’d leave with a spiritual high that was incomparable to any other feeling. But after a few days, the feeling would fade and I would be right back to the same way as before.

I didn’t leave this weekend with a spiritual high; I left with so much love in my heart that I can’t contain it. I need to share it with others.

This sensation is best compared to when you get a new gadget or piece of clothing that you need to show off to everyone so they can see how nice it is. Except this love I have isn’t showy or able to fade after a short stint of having it.

This love is refreshing and renewing. It can literally change your life and save you from anything you were struggling with before encountering it.

I don’t feel like a different person; my core has stayed the same. I simply feel like a better version of myself, and I think that is so incredible. Why wouldn’t anyone want to experience this type of love?

I was afraid of love, but I’m not anymore. I know what true love is. I know that it will hurt and it isn’t pretty and it will take lots of work, but it will ALWAYS be worth it. It will always forgive, always accept, and always push me to be the best version of myself.

If it doesn’t fit that description, it’s not love. It’s not real.

I refuse to allow anyone I know and anyone I meet to experience anything less.

I have been through many fake relationships with fake love that needs to please and seek acceptance. None of them were worth it. There is only one person who is worth it, and that is God. He is calling us and waiting for us to meet him. Are we going to ignore his call, or will we accept his love for us?

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I am changed.

Anxiety once had me down. An eating disorder once controlled me. Depression once kept me from allowing me to see my self-worth.

I am changed.

I’ve seen pain in people’s eyes who have lost everything from the hurricane. I’ve seen people in despair, desperate to feed and clothe their children. I’ve seen people who have lost hope and do not allow themselves to be fully loved by God, choosing instead to live on the streets rather than accept help. I have helped these people, fed these people, clothed these people, spoken to these people, hugged these people…

I am changed.

I am fortunate, but I have still lost, just like the rest of those living within this city and throughout our great state. My school is gone. My classroom that I worked so hard to get ready… gone. My students have lost more than me though. Their homes, cars, belongings… gone.

I am changed.

I don’t know what this new adventure will bring. I don’t know if I can look at my students in the face and bring them hope. I don’t know if I will even be able to teach them anything this year. I don’t know how much longer I can stay strong.

But I am changed.

My heart is different.

I will not accept failure anymore. I won’t stand for anything that doesn’t bring goodness and hope. I won’t allow my spirit to be brought down anymore. I will try my best to remain positive. Above all, I will trust God and know that his will is greater than any other plan I had for myself.

I am changed. And I won’t go back to the way I was before.

I don’t want to write this one. I don’t like to talk about this at all, but it bothers me so much and I am tired of pushing it to the back of my mind. I just have to let it out.

I keep getting these feelings of wanting to go back to denying myself of eating. Restricting my food intake. Back to my old ways of skipping meals in order to control my weight. I’ve been fighting it off for almost a month now, but it’s getting worse. Every time I eat, I have that nagging voice in the back of my head telling me that I don’t need that meal, that I can focus my attention on something else to ignore my hunger, that I will be ok without the “extra” food for the day.

I’ve been doing well lately ignoring the urges to start up again. Although I’m not pleased with my weight right now and a bit frustrated by what I see in the mirror, I refuse to go back to that dark place. I am struggling though, almost like trying to swim through waves that keep crashing down on me. But when you have been that low, every little bit of progress is a celebration.

Self-love begins with acknowledging that God created me in his image. Praising him for allowing me to have things I take for granted and complain about everyday, like my hair or my legs, even down to the smallest things like my eyebrows. I need to change the way I talk about myself and TO myself. Change my thoughts to make them positive. Refrain from beating myself up when I eat things that aren’t the best choice and reminding myself that it’s ok to indulge every once in a while. Remembering that I am human and I am not perfect. Cutting comparisons between myself and others that aren’t even relevant! Simply enjoying my life and being happy with the decisions I make about my body and soul.

I can’t fall again; I refuse to do so. I will conquer this one small baby step at a time.