Archives for posts with tag: Pain

Day 38. Overwhelmed. Broken. Beaten down.

I didn’t question God today when things were just crazy. I did complain though. A lot. I’m working on that. I was able to calm myself and stabilize my thoughts after sitting alone for a while. All for everything to come crashing down again tonight.

Why is it the people that you give your best to the ones who turn on you and blame you for everything? They have a way of bringing you down. WAY down. I’m writing from below right now. But I think of it is an opportunity for me to look up. I’m trying to find the positives of a situation where someone just hurts you to the core and leaves you feeling worthless.

This time will be different though. I’m not going to let those thoughts enter my mind because they aren’t true. I am not worthless. I am not dumb. I am not someone that another person can crap on to make themselves feel better. I am more than all of that and I will show it. I will make others work to find the true me, but always remember to be kind in doing so.

God spoke to me tonight. It’s been a while. But I’ve heard that in a time of need, he will show up and be there with you. Tonight was a time of need and he is definitely with me.

As I sat crying with my Bible in my lap, I asked God to speak to me. I told him to tell me what to read, what page to stop on, and in whatever passage I was drawn to, to speak to me. I didn’t ask anything more. I didn’t tell him to make me feel better, nor to comfort me, nor to take any pain away. I didn’t even ask for him to tell me anything in specific. Still, he told me exactly what I needed to hear that would cover all of those things.

I opened up my Bible and stopped on Psalm 42- “Thirsting for God in Trouble and Exile.” It begins by saying,

“As the deer pants for the water brooks,
So my soul pants for You, O God.

My soul thirsts for God, for the living God;
When shall I come and appear before God?

My tears have been my food day and night,
While they say to me all day long, “Where is your God?””

It continues on with,

“Why are you in despair, O my soul?
And why have you become disturbed within me?
Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him
For the help of His presence.

O my God, my soul is in despair within me;”

MY SOUL IS IN DESPAIR. MY TEARS HAVE BEEN MY FOOD DAY AND NIGHT. He knew the emotions I felt and I didn’t have to tell him. I mean, can it be anymore clear than that?!

Then, it finishes with:

“Deep calls to deep at the sound of Your waterfalls;
All Your breakers and Your waves have rolled over me.

The Lord will command His lovingkindness in the daytime;
And His song will be with me in the night,
A prayer to the God of my life.”

He tells me right there that he will be with me through the night. If that isn’t clear, then I don’t know what is.

I’m at peace right now. I’m feeling serene. And I’m looking up.

Something has occurred to me. There can NEVER be too much love. There is just no limit. So why do we hold back? Why are we afraid to share the love we pack in our huge hearts with others? Why don’t we show kindness and spread joy among strangers?

It always hurts me to see others in pain. Physically, emotionally, spiritually… Why do we let others suffer? I know I’m not perfect, and I know that there have been many situations where I could’ve easily done something to help another in a tough time, but I didn’t. Because I was scared. I was afraid they would make fun of me or see my heart for what it is. Vulnerable. Loving. Caring. Full of emotion! Why do we look down on these characteristics?

It’s become a norm in our society to act tough, to hide our emotions, to pretend that we have no feelings, just so others can’t hurt us. But how often does that approach work? Rarely, if ever. We are simply hurting ourselves. Distancing ourselves from the one truth in life! To LOVE!

What a mistake!!

How can we want to avoid the joy and light that comes along with love? Is it because we are too afraid to be hurt time and time again? Yes, love does hurt. Yes, it is a huge risk to open up and potentially be heartbroken by the wrong person. Yes, maybe even our family and closest friends can betray us and cause so much pain in our hearts that it feels as though we can’t take it anymore! But that doesn’t mean to stop loving altogether. That is simply an opportunity to love even more. Love even harder! Love in such a strong way that those who hurt you can’t even deny that love exists!

And man does it exist.

We can’t forget that. I can’t forget that. Even when I feel that all my love has expired, it hasn’t. My heart is evolving to contain and share an even greater type of love. One that I never imagined could exist.

Isn’t that how love is? Constantly evolving and growing into something bigger and bigger until one day we realize that we never thought we could be able to love that hard, yet there we are, loving in a new way.

I need to share my love. I need to open up my heart. And if it gets broken, then so be it. At least it will be cracked open to allow even more love to flow through.