Archives for posts with tag: Pain

Days 101-102. I don’t understand how feelings work or form or disappear… is this knowledge we as humans are supposed to comprehend?

I’m back to being afraid of marriage. I’m afraid of committing to someone. I was in an okay spot, but today changed everything. Again.

It is incredibly depressing knowing that moments that are so insignificant to us can be molding another persons life or mindset. Truly remarkable how by one small word, or lack of, can impact a person so much. Can cause an emotional reaction. Can create emotional turmoil in another.

SOMETHING THAT IS SO INSIGNIFICANT TO YOU CHANGES SOMEONE ELSE!

How can that be okay? How is it ever okay to break someone’s heart and then just move on with your life as if it never happened? And to think that we go around doing this daily… there are really no words to describe this knowledge. It’s just sad.

Think about it, our hearts get broken everyday. It may not be a huge break, or maybe it might, but either way they are being chipped apart constantly by the smallest things. It could be by someone telling you you’re not good enough, someone saying your cooking doesn’t taste right, your jeans are fitting a little too snug, your hair looks bad, your makeup is subpar, your jokes aren’t funny, your attitude is unappreciated (even though nobody bothers to ask if you’re okay to figure out why you have an attitude to begin with), your shoes aren’t cool, your laugh is too high-pitched, you aren’t doing your job right, your nose is big, your ears are small, you look tired (even if you tried really hard to make yourself not look that way)… the list could go on forever.

I as a person break every single time I hear those things. And considering that those saying the words believe they are so insignificant, the small break in my heart is also probably not important either.

Then what do we do in return? We go and say those things to others! WHY DO WE DO THAT?? Weren’t we just broken? Don’t we know we will break another in the same way? Do we really want everyone to be broken just so that they can be in the same boat as us?

I don’t understand. I don’t think I’ll ever understand. I’m at a loss right now… I dont know where to go from here or how to feel. I’m utterly lost. I’m broken. I’m hurting.

And nobody knows or cares. That is the sad reality in the world we live in today. Everyone is so busy trying to patch up their cracks and heal their own pains that they forget to treat others with compassion and empathy. We forget to love our neighbor and forgive their brokenness. No wonder depression is as common as it is… nobody cares.

Even if they do care, we all must take the time to take care of ourselves. And what do the people do who don’t know how to care for themselves? Who do they turn to then? How do they get help?

Wouldn’t it make the most sense to just be kind all the time? Wouldn’t it be better for us to never have to heal our broken hearts because they were never broken at all? Then we could turn our attention to our brothers and sisters who really do need our help and build them up instead of allowing them to stay down.

I’ve always liked the quote “Why do we only rest in peace? Why can’t we live in it too?” Why is this so hard to achieve? How do we reverse all the bad things we’ve done and stop from doing them again? Is there any convincing to those who have already gone too far down the rabbit hole?

People often think I don’t care about their feelings. They all think I’m okay with hurting them and breaking their hearts and just being able to move on with my life, but that’s not me. Nobody understands my heart. Nobody sees my brokenness, nor my attempts to avoid creating theirs. I am placed into the same boat as the rest. Sometimes I think I deserve to be there too.

I have tried SO very hard not to hurt anyone or break their hearts. I’ve distanced myself from any potential dates or people who may think they like me but don’t know me at all. I’ve hurt too many already and I don’t want to go back to that life anymore. I don’t want to NOT care.

I know I can’t help feelings from forming, but I can stop them from growing. Or at least I will try to.

I am detached in such a way that only the one God sends to me will be able to reel me in. Only God can set my heart on fire so much so that I will then feel the need to share it. I don’t feel that for anyone now and I shouldn’t have to feel bad about that. I shouldn’t be made to feel bad about not wanting to be with anyone. I am waiting and being patient for the one who deserves me and that is okay!

I don’t know what others want from me, but I know what I want from myself… to love my neighbor and serve those who come to me. I think that’s really all that matters.

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Day 38. Overwhelmed. Broken. Beaten down.

I didn’t question God today when things were just crazy. I did complain though. A lot. I’m working on that. I was able to calm myself and stabilize my thoughts after sitting alone for a while. All for everything to come crashing down again tonight.

Why is it the people that you give your best to the ones who turn on you and blame you for everything? They have a way of bringing you down. WAY down. I’m writing from below right now. But I think of it is an opportunity for me to look up. I’m trying to find the positives of a situation where someone just hurts you to the core and leaves you feeling worthless.

This time will be different though. I’m not going to let those thoughts enter my mind because they aren’t true. I am not worthless. I am not dumb. I am not someone that another person can crap on to make themselves feel better. I am more than all of that and I will show it. I will make others work to find the true me, but always remember to be kind in doing so.

God spoke to me tonight. It’s been a while. But I’ve heard that in a time of need, he will show up and be there with you. Tonight was a time of need and he is definitely with me.

As I sat crying with my Bible in my lap, I asked God to speak to me. I told him to tell me what to read, what page to stop on, and in whatever passage I was drawn to, to speak to me. I didn’t ask anything more. I didn’t tell him to make me feel better, nor to comfort me, nor to take any pain away. I didn’t even ask for him to tell me anything in specific. Still, he told me exactly what I needed to hear that would cover all of those things.

I opened up my Bible and stopped on Psalm 42- “Thirsting for God in Trouble and Exile.” It begins by saying,

“As the deer pants for the water brooks,
So my soul pants for You, O God.

My soul thirsts for God, for the living God;
When shall I come and appear before God?

My tears have been my food day and night,
While they say to me all day long, “Where is your God?””

It continues on with,

“Why are you in despair, O my soul?
And why have you become disturbed within me?
Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him
For the help of His presence.

O my God, my soul is in despair within me;”

MY SOUL IS IN DESPAIR. MY TEARS HAVE BEEN MY FOOD DAY AND NIGHT. He knew the emotions I felt and I didn’t have to tell him. I mean, can it be anymore clear than that?!

Then, it finishes with:

“Deep calls to deep at the sound of Your waterfalls;
All Your breakers and Your waves have rolled over me.

The Lord will command His lovingkindness in the daytime;
And His song will be with me in the night,
A prayer to the God of my life.”

He tells me right there that he will be with me through the night. If that isn’t clear, then I don’t know what is.

I’m at peace right now. I’m feeling serene. And I’m looking up.

Something has occurred to me. There can NEVER be too much love. There is just no limit. So why do we hold back? Why are we afraid to share the love we pack in our huge hearts with others? Why don’t we show kindness and spread joy among strangers?

It always hurts me to see others in pain. Physically, emotionally, spiritually… Why do we let others suffer? I know I’m not perfect, and I know that there have been many situations where I could’ve easily done something to help another in a tough time, but I didn’t. Because I was scared. I was afraid they would make fun of me or see my heart for what it is. Vulnerable. Loving. Caring. Full of emotion! Why do we look down on these characteristics?

It’s become a norm in our society to act tough, to hide our emotions, to pretend that we have no feelings, just so others can’t hurt us. But how often does that approach work? Rarely, if ever. We are simply hurting ourselves. Distancing ourselves from the one truth in life! To LOVE!

What a mistake!!

How can we want to avoid the joy and light that comes along with love? Is it because we are too afraid to be hurt time and time again? Yes, love does hurt. Yes, it is a huge risk to open up and potentially be heartbroken by the wrong person. Yes, maybe even our family and closest friends can betray us and cause so much pain in our hearts that it feels as though we can’t take it anymore! But that doesn’t mean to stop loving altogether. That is simply an opportunity to love even more. Love even harder! Love in such a strong way that those who hurt you can’t even deny that love exists!

And man does it exist.

We can’t forget that. I can’t forget that. Even when I feel that all my love has expired, it hasn’t. My heart is evolving to contain and share an even greater type of love. One that I never imagined could exist.

Isn’t that how love is? Constantly evolving and growing into something bigger and bigger until one day we realize that we never thought we could be able to love that hard, yet there we are, loving in a new way.

I need to share my love. I need to open up my heart. And if it gets broken, then so be it. At least it will be cracked open to allow even more love to flow through.