Archives for posts with tag: Patience

Days 101-102. I don’t understand how feelings work or form or disappear… is this knowledge we as humans are supposed to comprehend?

I’m back to being afraid of marriage. I’m afraid of committing to someone. I was in an okay spot, but today changed everything. Again.

It is incredibly depressing knowing that moments that are so insignificant to us can be molding another persons life or mindset. Truly remarkable how by one small word, or lack of, can impact a person so much. Can cause an emotional reaction. Can create emotional turmoil in another.

SOMETHING THAT IS SO INSIGNIFICANT TO YOU CHANGES SOMEONE ELSE!

How can that be okay? How is it ever okay to break someone’s heart and then just move on with your life as if it never happened? And to think that we go around doing this daily… there are really no words to describe this knowledge. It’s just sad.

Think about it, our hearts get broken everyday. It may not be a huge break, or maybe it might, but either way they are being chipped apart constantly by the smallest things. It could be by someone telling you you’re not good enough, someone saying your cooking doesn’t taste right, your jeans are fitting a little too snug, your hair looks bad, your makeup is subpar, your jokes aren’t funny, your attitude is unappreciated (even though nobody bothers to ask if you’re okay to figure out why you have an attitude to begin with), your shoes aren’t cool, your laugh is too high-pitched, you aren’t doing your job right, your nose is big, your ears are small, you look tired (even if you tried really hard to make yourself not look that way)… the list could go on forever.

I as a person break every single time I hear those things. And considering that those saying the words believe they are so insignificant, the small break in my heart is also probably not important either.

Then what do we do in return? We go and say those things to others! WHY DO WE DO THAT?? Weren’t we just broken? Don’t we know we will break another in the same way? Do we really want everyone to be broken just so that they can be in the same boat as us?

I don’t understand. I don’t think I’ll ever understand. I’m at a loss right now… I dont know where to go from here or how to feel. I’m utterly lost. I’m broken. I’m hurting.

And nobody knows or cares. That is the sad reality in the world we live in today. Everyone is so busy trying to patch up their cracks and heal their own pains that they forget to treat others with compassion and empathy. We forget to love our neighbor and forgive their brokenness. No wonder depression is as common as it is… nobody cares.

Even if they do care, we all must take the time to take care of ourselves. And what do the people do who don’t know how to care for themselves? Who do they turn to then? How do they get help?

Wouldn’t it make the most sense to just be kind all the time? Wouldn’t it be better for us to never have to heal our broken hearts because they were never broken at all? Then we could turn our attention to our brothers and sisters who really do need our help and build them up instead of allowing them to stay down.

I’ve always liked the quote “Why do we only rest in peace? Why can’t we live in it too?” Why is this so hard to achieve? How do we reverse all the bad things we’ve done and stop from doing them again? Is there any convincing to those who have already gone too far down the rabbit hole?

People often think I don’t care about their feelings. They all think I’m okay with hurting them and breaking their hearts and just being able to move on with my life, but that’s not me. Nobody understands my heart. Nobody sees my brokenness, nor my attempts to avoid creating theirs. I am placed into the same boat as the rest. Sometimes I think I deserve to be there too.

I have tried SO very hard not to hurt anyone or break their hearts. I’ve distanced myself from any potential dates or people who may think they like me but don’t know me at all. I’ve hurt too many already and I don’t want to go back to that life anymore. I don’t want to NOT care.

I know I can’t help feelings from forming, but I can stop them from growing. Or at least I will try to.

I am detached in such a way that only the one God sends to me will be able to reel me in. Only God can set my heart on fire so much so that I will then feel the need to share it. I don’t feel that for anyone now and I shouldn’t have to feel bad about that. I shouldn’t be made to feel bad about not wanting to be with anyone. I am waiting and being patient for the one who deserves me and that is okay!

I don’t know what others want from me, but I know what I want from myself… to love my neighbor and serve those who come to me. I think that’s really all that matters.

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It is done. I wonder how tired Jesus actually was when he said those words before he died on the cross. He had worked so hard to bring his father’s love to people and I can imagine that some of those people were probably hard to love or talk to. So how did he did it?

Yes, Jesus is divine and that’s probably a huge factor as to why he was able to love others the way he did, but he was still human. Though the loving part might have come easy, the liking part was probably hard. Sometimes people are just hard to like! Sometimes they do or say things that really don’t sit well with us. But we have to love them anyway.

This was a lesson I learned while running the disaster relief distribution center this week. Sometimes people came in and they were understanding and appreciative of the goods we did have and those we were out of. Other times, people would get mad at us and leave. It was a hard week, but we did it.

We were able to help about 325 families this entire week. It was nice being able to see that hope was being restored in their hearts. But some people were hard to deal with. So how did Jesus do it?

It seems counter-intuitive, but when we pray for patience, we are often met with situations that require us to be patient. And boy, was I met with those situations this week.

I hope serving his people will help me get God’s attention. I do it all to praise and glorify God.

Day 41. I watched the movie “Coffee Shop” twice in the past week. It’s one of those cheesy romantic comedies that are super unrealistic and set the standards for men and expectations for women too high (do I sound like a love hater?). Though, it was still good and had a good message to it.

The main character reminded me a bit of myself. Big heart, desire to help those she loves, trouble finding Mr. Right, enjoys coffee more than a normal person should, ambitious, and a stubborn/feisty attitude when rubbed the wrong way. It was like watching a movie about myself, except I don’t have blonde hair and blue eyes (and I didn’t get to kiss the handsome guy at the end!!!).

Towards the end of the movie when she was in a rut and didn’t know what to do next, something her friend told her really stuck with me. He said:

“Don’t lose yourself in the temporary. No one has ever seen, no one has ever heard, and no one can ever imagine the things God has planned for them.”

How powerful is that statement? I found myself rushing this morning, just like every other morning, but now I try to catch myself before stressing out. Yes, there is a high possibility that I will run late again, but I have to remember to be patient. I cannot get stuck in the temporary.

We often forget that we are praising the Lord in our work so have to give our all and do the very best we can. We do not know the promises God has for us. We can only trust that his will is greater than our thoughts. Then we just need to let go and let God take care of it all.

I’ve written for almost a full month… documenting my life, emotions, and thoughts for 27 days now. I feel bare. Exposed. Open. Scared. Raw.

Nothing has changed, really. I think I entered this assuming that being honest with myself would change my heart or thoughts but nope. I’m still just as anxious, if not more, about my life and love.

I sometimes stop and wonder if I’m so nervous about finding love because I don’t want to be proven wrong. I’ve been so convinced for the longest time that love is a scam. Or at least the search for love is. Though, the process of loving is so incredibly difficult and made even more so by people constantly giving up and running because of the fear of commitment.

I can’t be with someone who is that way, especially since I need to be shown that my thoughts inaccurate. I know love is real. I see it everyday in different settings. But so many get hurt and heartbroken everyday that they can’t believe someone will take them in and accept them as they are.

That’s me. I think I’m about average as you can get on a scale of awkward to model. Who would want me? I’m a nervous wreck, I have morals and standards that are old fashioned and outdated for the times we live in, and I just don’t like to waste my time with people who can’t comprehend that they should treat others with respect. Nobody wants someone with those values anymore.

I can’t allow myself to fall in love and I can’t allow myself to marry anyone. I’ve seen the way people are when they are simply unhappy in their marriage. People who once swore that they were marrying their soulmate, their best friend, the person who understood them the most. How do things change? And why don’t people change with each other instead of choosing to leave the other behind?

I find it hard to believe that love can last so how do some people still manage to do it? That’s where I’m conflicted. I want that so bad, but I won’t let myself even get close to trying to find it. I want it to come to me so I know that it’s a guarantee. I’ll know that it’s worth it, that it’s true, and that I can go along with it. I can’t find it on my own. I haven’t thus far, so obviously something is wrong. But I don’t want the wrong thing to be me.

So no, my thoughts on love haven’t changed. In fact, I’m stagnant. I plan to be that way for a will too. And whoever will be fearless enough to scale the wall surrounding my heart can have it.

Time will tell.

Dad asked me something curious last night and it’s been on my mind all day today. He asked if I liked anyone.

Actually, his exact words were, “Ain’t nobody got your fancy?” Which I think is the best way to ask and doesn’t make it AS awkward. Anyway, I answered no. Because there isn’t anyone. I honestly don’t know if I want there to ever be.

Of course nobody ever want to be alone and we want someone to cherish us and blah blah blah. Typical human desires. I’m just afraid that I don’t fit that mold. I don’t just want someone to be there for me… I want THE ONE to be there WITH me.

Much to my dismay, I am not an actual princess, even if I strive to be treated as such (dad and brothers spoiled me, what can I say). But I do know that no man is an island. And no man should have to endure work and struggle alone to provide for his wife or family. It’s a shared responsibility.

I’m extremely independent. I do not need anyone’s assistance or approval, especially not a man’s. I just have never felt the desire to actually want to settle down with anyone. But I know that if it were to happen, I would give 100 percent and more to make things work and keep that person happy. It’s just so hard to find someone like that in today’s times. I fear that I never will.

But my hope and trust remain in the Lord. I just remember that he will provide in his time, not according to my wants, but according to what he knows I need.

At times I get sad and frustrated from dealing with selfish men who do not acknowledge my worth, but I remain hopeful because I know that it will take a hell of a man to change my views on commitment. Someone who is good and kind and much better than anyone I’ve ever even fathomed an idea about.

No dad, nobody currently has my fancy. But the future has my curiosity.

Day 8. Not sure why I thought of myself as a “lady in waiting”… No, not like the Christmas carol verse. More like I am currently a lady in waiting.

Waiting for things to happen to me, to others around me; just waiting. I don’t like to wait. I don’t want to be patient. Most especially, I don’t want anything bad to occur.

I wish I could shelter my family from all hardships and suffering. I want to prevent them from any illnesses. I don’t want any wrong to occur to them within their lifetime. I want to be able to fight all of their battles so that they can rest. It hurts me to think that I can’t do anything else for my family and friends.

I’m hurting and have nobody to tell. I need to speak to someone before I explode. I am just so grateful that I have such thoughtful and loving friends that support me no matter what.

Sunday was hard. The day was so full of worldly distractions. Sadly, I fell into the trap and I failed again.

I’ve been on a mission to find God. I want to feel his presence again, but I don’t know where to search. So I’ve been trying this new thing where I look for him in all things. In big moments or small situations, when everything is hectic and when all is calm. It is HARD. To be honest, some days I don’t even know why I bother to try. The world is so full of its ways to keep you from remembering him at all. And yes, I fall a lot.

For instance, I didn’t go to mass Sunday. I go every weekend, even when I don’t believe God is there at all; it just feels weird when I don’t go. I need to give God my time, but this Sunday was different; I didn’t make the time. I planned to go, but I remember looking at my watch and thinking, “Oh well, not making it today.” …How will I ever find God with that attitude? What if I die and get to heaven’s gates and he says, “Oh well, not making it today.” How would I feel?! I can’t stand myself most days.

Sunday night was super rough. I pushed aside my shame, but I just couldn’t forgive myself. Who am I that God isn’t important to me anymore? And what was I doing that took up my time that day and made me think I couldn’t make it? Oh that’s right. I was at a bar drinking with people who don’t care about my soul. Honestly, they probably don’t even care about me in general. Still, I picked them over someone who is continuously begging for my love. Why did I do that? Why did I make the wrong choice? I had been doing so well in immersing myself into things that would bring me closer to him and in one day I flushed all that progress away. I can’t forgive myself. That is quite possibly the thing I struggle with the most in life. That’s why I drink.

I couldn’t get myself to write anything Sunday night. I had a hard time accepting the choices I made. I told myself I would go confess in the morning because maybe words of forgiveness would make me feel ok with myself and my choices. So I woke up today (Monday) and went to confess.

There is no better way to say this than God’s grace is amazing. I don’t even know why he continues to forgive me. I really debated with that question before going into the confessional. I stared up at the huge Jesus sculpture and asked him to answer me, to tell me why he still wanted me. And answer me he did.

Today was the first time in a very long time that I felt God actually speak straight to me. I’ll paraphrase what the priest said:

“You have to remember to be patient with yourself. Don’t set expectations that are too high because if we don’t reach them, that’s when we feel that we fail. You have to be realistic in your expectations for yourself. We are often too hard on ourselves and it’s bad because the world is already hard on us. We need to be patient. God doesn’t want us perfect and ready to go; he wants our brokenness.”

In other words, I can’t keep running and then getting mad at myself for not achieving what I said I would in a short period of time. It’s just not realistic.

I really can’t express how gratifying it was to hear those words. They’re all true! God knew what I needed to hear and made sure to drill it in my mind. I feel good! Hopefully this feeling will last for a while. Hopefully I can keep it up and not beat myself up when I fail again, because I’m human and I know it will happen. Time will tell.