Archives for posts with tag: Relationships

Days 360-361.

It’s almost going to be a full year since I’ve started this blog. Wow. I don’t think I feel very different. But honestly, maybe I do.

What have I accomplished within this time? What have I done to make myself a better person? How have I become more empowered?

I thought I was struggling with a choice 2 days ago when in reality, I had the answer all along.

I have accomplished becoming a better, more empowered woman just within the last two days.

The past has a way of circling around again and sometimes making you question your life choices. The answers truly show you where your heart lies.

Mine belongs to me, but each day I wake up, I choose to give it to the one I love.

I had the chance to go back again and lend it to one who didn’t deserve it. Yet when the opportunity presented itself, I didn’t give in.

There are times when it’s hard to keep choosing the same person over and over every single day of your life. In fact, there may always be some grass that looks greener on the other side. And you may be tempted to take your heart and go check it out. But before you do, think about the one you would leave. Think of how they may be choosing to give you their heart every single day, no matter the state of the grass next door.

If you can leave them, then you aren’t meant to be.

If you can’t, keep watering your grass together.

“Love is patient. Love is kind. It is not jealous, it is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never fails.” – Corinthians 13:4-8

Nothing good comes easy. Choose the fight.

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Days 328-359. I’ve made peace with my past. I’ve understood that I should not be with certain people. I’ve realized why we broke up. And I’m better because of it.

I’ve been in this relationship for almost 8 months. I’m still debating if it’s what I want. Is happiness enough to keep you with someone? Is love enough to last forever without work? How do you know when someone is the one?

Logic challenges everything. I’m happy, but what do I really want? Do I want someone who is familiar with my customs and culture? Or do I want to stay with the one who does anything and everything to make sure I’m happy?

Should they both be the same?

Do I simply move on?

Do I try again?

Will I always be trying again and again if I let this one go?

Do I question it because I love him or do I question it because I don’t want him to get hurt?

Do I even have feelings to be damaged anymore?

What do I want?

Days 153-157. I’m staring out of my window at the Christmas lights that are twinkling on and off.

It reminds me of my feelings about the holidays. They look so pretty from the outside looking in, but from the inside looking out they’re annoying.

I wish I didn’t have these random mood swings. What if I am bipolar? Is it really just stress?

I’m exhausted. These last 2 days took a lot out of me. With grandma’s wake service and funeral, I didn’t have much to give to others today. I felt out of it. I still do.

I know that God can help fix my feelings and emotions, but I’m not done ruining my life yet. Isn’t that how it works? We do stuff and then get so far down the rabbit hole that we don’t know how to get ourselves out.

And then once we have made a complete mess of everything, we look up from the muck we are in and tell God to fix it.

And if he doesn’t choose to fix it, then we blame him and say it’s all his fault when nothing happens.

And that’s how life works.

And I hope it stops soon.

Days 149-152. I’ve had so much trouble getting myself to write lately. I don’t know where I’m at. I guess I can start with this week, maybe?

This week was _______________.

No idea what I should fill in the blank with.

Long? Crappy? Rough? Terrible?

All of the above?

I hate everything at the moment. The only good thing going on is my boyfriend. But I’ve had so many troubles with that already I almost want to give it up.

My family life is crap. I don’t even have a family. Just me and my mom, and even she turns away from me sometimes. Especially now knowing about my boyfriend and her disapproval of his religion.

My brothers only worry about their own lives. I could die and they probably wouldn’t find out on their own until next month; that’s how rare it is that they talk to me.

My dad decided this week that he doesn’t have to deal with his issues or with our family so he will just run away instead of resolving things. Which is what he did at 11 pm the night before Thanksgiving.

I spent the entire Thanksgiving day laying in my bed, crying on and off about my life and how much I have grown to dislike the holidays.

I used to love the holidays. I loved the season. I loved how my family would unite and spend the day together talking and laughing. Now, we don’t even see each other. And when we do talk, it’s mostly arguments and judgements placed upon each other.

I don’t ever want to compare, but I see other families and their ability to talk and be around each other all day and not argue or fight and I wonder why we can’t be the same. Why can’t we be normal and sane?

Maybe one day I will have a family of my own and I will be able to unite us all together. Maybe not.

Until then I will try not to take for granted all the blessings I have, whether appreciated or not.

I cannot describe the feeling that I feel. I am so sad, yet so happy. How can that be put into words?

I miss grandma. I don’t like to think that I will never get to see her again in person. I cry randomly everyday because I can’t contain it.

But then I get comforted by the most incredible man in the world and I am happy. I can’t believe I get to be with him. I can’t believe I am his and he is mine. I love him with all my heart.

More and more each day he becomes the man I want to marry. He is the moon to my sun, the sky to my stars. I’m complete with him.

I never thought in a million years that he could bring me this happiness. I never thought it existed. I never thought I was worthy of it.

I still don’t at times.

But he reminds me that there is love within me, that I am happiness. And that is all the difference between him and the rest of the world.

Days 129-131. I feel like I’m living in a dream! On cloud 9 right now…

I’m in love. Not just any kind of love either; this is a love that I’ve never experienced.

It’s true that each love is different. But sometimes you find a love that is so comfortable and caring and sweet that you can’t really explain it or put it into words.

I love this man.

I don’t know what’s in store for us in the future, but for once in my life I’m not worrying about the future! I’m enjoying the present.

I’m not time traveling. I’m not focusing on things going on at a different time. I’m just happy where I am now.

He cares about me. He thinks of me. He wants me happy. He encourages me to be a nicer and more patient person. He doesn’t rush me into anything. He makes me laugh. He hugs me when I cry.

He loves me.

And I don’t ever want him to let me go.

It’s weird that I am in this spot… I would have never guessed I’d ever be here. Not with him, not in my life. I didn’t believe in this type of love.

And I thank God every waking moment for letting me experience this type of love.

I don’t know where we will end up. I don’t know if I’ll get hurt. But even if I do, I honestly believe it would be worth it.

He is worth it.

I had the biggest epiphany today.

I have one of the sweetest men in the entire world who is very much interested in me and wants me with all of his heart. Instead of being happy and accepting him, I keep trying to push him away. Why do I do that?

One, I feel that I am supposed to be with what I’VE always wanted, not what God wants for me. Two, I am afraid and don’t feel worthy of his pure love for me.

He has been one of my closest friends for the past year and a half. He knows me. He knows how I am when I’m stressed. He knows what I look like when my hair isn’t combed or I didn’t want to put on any make-up. He knows my hobbies and my interests and shares them with me. He knows my music likes and listens to much of the same. He knows my type of humor and laughs with me, not AT me. He sees my heart and my intentions and knows that I am true to my word. And he still wants me.

I know him too. I know how he is when he’s angry. I know how he is when he’s tired. I know that he has one of the biggest hearts of anyone I’ve ever had the chance to be friends with and will literally give me his shirt to wear when I don’t have one (because he’s done it before). He hasn’t changed and I know he won’t ever change.

Yet part of me is expecting that he will. Part of me keeps pushing him away because I’m so afraid that this will end up bad. I keep telling him to “be himself” because I half expect that he will change into a huge douchebag just like everyone else has with me in the past. But he won’t.

So how do I get myself to stop thinking this way? How do I just accept love?

What if he isn’t even who God has planned for me? But what if he is?

I need a sign. A CLEAR SIGN. I might not get it, but maybe I will.

If only God were a magician…. just kidding. I know he’s looking out for me.

All good things come from him.