Archives for posts with tag: Relationships

Days 153-157. I’m staring out of my window at the Christmas lights that are twinkling on and off.

It reminds me of my feelings about the holidays. They look so pretty from the outside looking in, but from the inside looking out they’re annoying.

I wish I didn’t have these random mood swings. What if I am bipolar? Is it really just stress?

I’m exhausted. These last 2 days took a lot out of me. With grandma’s wake service and funeral, I didn’t have much to give to others today. I felt out of it. I still do.

I know that God can help fix my feelings and emotions, but I’m not done ruining my life yet. Isn’t that how it works? We do stuff and then get so far down the rabbit hole that we don’t know how to get ourselves out.

And then once we have made a complete mess of everything, we look up from the muck we are in and tell God to fix it.

And if he doesn’t choose to fix it, then we blame him and say it’s all his fault when nothing happens.

And that’s how life works.

And I hope it stops soon.

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Days 149-152. I’ve had so much trouble getting myself to write lately. I don’t know where I’m at. I guess I can start with this week, maybe?

This week was _______________.

No idea what I should fill in the blank with.

Long? Crappy? Rough? Terrible?

All of the above?

I hate everything at the moment. The only good thing going on is my boyfriend. But I’ve had so many troubles with that already I almost want to give it up.

My family life is crap. I don’t even have a family. Just me and my mom, and even she turns away from me sometimes. Especially now knowing about my boyfriend and her disapproval of his religion.

My brothers only worry about their own lives. I could die and they probably wouldn’t find out on their own until next month; that’s how rare it is that they talk to me.

My dad decided this week that he doesn’t have to deal with his issues or with our family so he will just run away instead of resolving things. Which is what he did at 11 pm the night before Thanksgiving.

I spent the entire Thanksgiving day laying in my bed, crying on and off about my life and how much I have grown to dislike the holidays.

I used to love the holidays. I loved the season. I loved how my family would unite and spend the day together talking and laughing. Now, we don’t even see each other. And when we do talk, it’s mostly arguments and judgements placed upon each other.

I don’t ever want to compare, but I see other families and their ability to talk and be around each other all day and not argue or fight and I wonder why we can’t be the same. Why can’t we be normal and sane?

Maybe one day I will have a family of my own and I will be able to unite us all together. Maybe not.

Until then I will try not to take for granted all the blessings I have, whether appreciated or not.

I cannot describe the feeling that I feel. I am so sad, yet so happy. How can that be put into words?

I miss grandma. I don’t like to think that I will never get to see her again in person. I cry randomly everyday because I can’t contain it.

But then I get comforted by the most incredible man in the world and I am happy. I can’t believe I get to be with him. I can’t believe I am his and he is mine. I love him with all my heart.

More and more each day he becomes the man I want to marry. He is the moon to my sun, the sky to my stars. I’m complete with him.

I never thought in a million years that he could bring me this happiness. I never thought it existed. I never thought I was worthy of it.

I still don’t at times.

But he reminds me that there is love within me, that I am happiness. And that is all the difference between him and the rest of the world.

Days 129-131. I feel like I’m living in a dream! On cloud 9 right now…

I’m in love. Not just any kind of love either; this is a love that I’ve never experienced.

It’s true that each love is different. But sometimes you find a love that is so comfortable and caring and sweet that you can’t really explain it or put it into words.

I love this man.

I don’t know what’s in store for us in the future, but for once in my life I’m not worrying about the future! I’m enjoying the present.

I’m not time traveling. I’m not focusing on things going on at a different time. I’m just happy where I am now.

He cares about me. He thinks of me. He wants me happy. He encourages me to be a nicer and more patient person. He doesn’t rush me into anything. He makes me laugh. He hugs me when I cry.

He loves me.

And I don’t ever want him to let me go.

It’s weird that I am in this spot… I would have never guessed I’d ever be here. Not with him, not in my life. I didn’t believe in this type of love.

And I thank God every waking moment for letting me experience this type of love.

I don’t know where we will end up. I don’t know if I’ll get hurt. But even if I do, I honestly believe it would be worth it.

He is worth it.

I had the biggest epiphany today.

I have one of the sweetest men in the entire world who is very much interested in me and wants me with all of his heart. Instead of being happy and accepting him, I keep trying to push him away. Why do I do that?

One, I feel that I am supposed to be with what I’VE always wanted, not what God wants for me. Two, I am afraid and don’t feel worthy of his pure love for me.

He has been one of my closest friends for the past year and a half. He knows me. He knows how I am when I’m stressed. He knows what I look like when my hair isn’t combed or I didn’t want to put on any make-up. He knows my hobbies and my interests and shares them with me. He knows my music likes and listens to much of the same. He knows my type of humor and laughs with me, not AT me. He sees my heart and my intentions and knows that I am true to my word. And he still wants me.

I know him too. I know how he is when he’s angry. I know how he is when he’s tired. I know that he has one of the biggest hearts of anyone I’ve ever had the chance to be friends with and will literally give me his shirt to wear when I don’t have one (because he’s done it before). He hasn’t changed and I know he won’t ever change.

Yet part of me is expecting that he will. Part of me keeps pushing him away because I’m so afraid that this will end up bad. I keep telling him to “be himself” because I half expect that he will change into a huge douchebag just like everyone else has with me in the past. But he won’t.

So how do I get myself to stop thinking this way? How do I just accept love?

What if he isn’t even who God has planned for me? But what if he is?

I need a sign. A CLEAR SIGN. I might not get it, but maybe I will.

If only God were a magician…. just kidding. I know he’s looking out for me.

All good things come from him.

Days 101-102. I don’t understand how feelings work or form or disappear… is this knowledge we as humans are supposed to comprehend?

I’m back to being afraid of marriage. I’m afraid of committing to someone. I was in an okay spot, but today changed everything. Again.

It is incredibly depressing knowing that moments that are so insignificant to us can be molding another persons life or mindset. Truly remarkable how by one small word, or lack of, can impact a person so much. Can cause an emotional reaction. Can create emotional turmoil in another.

SOMETHING THAT IS SO INSIGNIFICANT TO YOU CHANGES SOMEONE ELSE!

How can that be okay? How is it ever okay to break someone’s heart and then just move on with your life as if it never happened? And to think that we go around doing this daily… there are really no words to describe this knowledge. It’s just sad.

Think about it, our hearts get broken everyday. It may not be a huge break, or maybe it might, but either way they are being chipped apart constantly by the smallest things. It could be by someone telling you you’re not good enough, someone saying your cooking doesn’t taste right, your jeans are fitting a little too snug, your hair looks bad, your makeup is subpar, your jokes aren’t funny, your attitude is unappreciated (even though nobody bothers to ask if you’re okay to figure out why you have an attitude to begin with), your shoes aren’t cool, your laugh is too high-pitched, you aren’t doing your job right, your nose is big, your ears are small, you look tired (even if you tried really hard to make yourself not look that way)… the list could go on forever.

I as a person break every single time I hear those things. And considering that those saying the words believe they are so insignificant, the small break in my heart is also probably not important either.

Then what do we do in return? We go and say those things to others! WHY DO WE DO THAT?? Weren’t we just broken? Don’t we know we will break another in the same way? Do we really want everyone to be broken just so that they can be in the same boat as us?

I don’t understand. I don’t think I’ll ever understand. I’m at a loss right now… I dont know where to go from here or how to feel. I’m utterly lost. I’m broken. I’m hurting.

And nobody knows or cares. That is the sad reality in the world we live in today. Everyone is so busy trying to patch up their cracks and heal their own pains that they forget to treat others with compassion and empathy. We forget to love our neighbor and forgive their brokenness. No wonder depression is as common as it is… nobody cares.

Even if they do care, we all must take the time to take care of ourselves. And what do the people do who don’t know how to care for themselves? Who do they turn to then? How do they get help?

Wouldn’t it make the most sense to just be kind all the time? Wouldn’t it be better for us to never have to heal our broken hearts because they were never broken at all? Then we could turn our attention to our brothers and sisters who really do need our help and build them up instead of allowing them to stay down.

I’ve always liked the quote “Why do we only rest in peace? Why can’t we live in it too?” Why is this so hard to achieve? How do we reverse all the bad things we’ve done and stop from doing them again? Is there any convincing to those who have already gone too far down the rabbit hole?

People often think I don’t care about their feelings. They all think I’m okay with hurting them and breaking their hearts and just being able to move on with my life, but that’s not me. Nobody understands my heart. Nobody sees my brokenness, nor my attempts to avoid creating theirs. I am placed into the same boat as the rest. Sometimes I think I deserve to be there too.

I have tried SO very hard not to hurt anyone or break their hearts. I’ve distanced myself from any potential dates or people who may think they like me but don’t know me at all. I’ve hurt too many already and I don’t want to go back to that life anymore. I don’t want to NOT care.

I know I can’t help feelings from forming, but I can stop them from growing. Or at least I will try to.

I am detached in such a way that only the one God sends to me will be able to reel me in. Only God can set my heart on fire so much so that I will then feel the need to share it. I don’t feel that for anyone now and I shouldn’t have to feel bad about that. I shouldn’t be made to feel bad about not wanting to be with anyone. I am waiting and being patient for the one who deserves me and that is okay!

I don’t know what others want from me, but I know what I want from myself… to love my neighbor and serve those who come to me. I think that’s really all that matters.

Days 86-88. I don’t understand why certain things happen to undeserving people. I know choices are made and consequences are given, but honestly, how often do we bother to actually listen to the stories of people before we place judgement on them? Rarely, if ever.

People judge you based on your looks, thoughts, words, actions, work-ethic, choices, how you treat others, and the list goes on. And what do we do in return? Judge them back. We don’t try to understand anyone. We already have our minds made up and how sad is that when we don’t even know the full story.

We don’t know if the person next to us is dealing with issues related to their homes, families, work, friends, health, school, etc. We just jump to conclusions and base people off of someone else’s description. Rarely do we even give people a first chance, let alone a second one.

Why are we like that?

I’ve been thinking about my kids a lot. I’ve been thinking about my team a lot. I’ve been thinking about our building a lot. And I’m trying to put these practices into effect.

How can I listen to each person I work with and not give them a chance? It’s unfair.

All we need to do is be sympathetic and empathize with those we come across. And really, just listening does the greatest good.

I am dedicating myself to take more time to listen. Actually listen and pay attention. I want people to feel alive and good when they speak to me or come across my path. If I’d expect that from others, then I must do it too.