Archives for posts with tag: Relationships

Days 101-102. I don’t understand how feelings work or form or disappear… is this knowledge we as humans are supposed to comprehend?

I’m back to being afraid of marriage. I’m afraid of committing to someone. I was in an okay spot, but today changed everything. Again.

It is incredibly depressing knowing that moments that are so insignificant to us can be molding another persons life or mindset. Truly remarkable how by one small word, or lack of, can impact a person so much. Can cause an emotional reaction. Can create emotional turmoil in another.

SOMETHING THAT IS SO INSIGNIFICANT TO YOU CHANGES SOMEONE ELSE!

How can that be okay? How is it ever okay to break someone’s heart and then just move on with your life as if it never happened? And to think that we go around doing this daily… there are really no words to describe this knowledge. It’s just sad.

Think about it, our hearts get broken everyday. It may not be a huge break, or maybe it might, but either way they are being chipped apart constantly by the smallest things. It could be by someone telling you you’re not good enough, someone saying your cooking doesn’t taste right, your jeans are fitting a little too snug, your hair looks bad, your makeup is subpar, your jokes aren’t funny, your attitude is unappreciated (even though nobody bothers to ask if you’re okay to figure out why you have an attitude to begin with), your shoes aren’t cool, your laugh is too high-pitched, you aren’t doing your job right, your nose is big, your ears are small, you look tired (even if you tried really hard to make yourself not look that way)… the list could go on forever.

I as a person break every single time I hear those things. And considering that those saying the words believe they are so insignificant, the small break in my heart is also probably not important either.

Then what do we do in return? We go and say those things to others! WHY DO WE DO THAT?? Weren’t we just broken? Don’t we know we will break another in the same way? Do we really want everyone to be broken just so that they can be in the same boat as us?

I don’t understand. I don’t think I’ll ever understand. I’m at a loss right now… I dont know where to go from here or how to feel. I’m utterly lost. I’m broken. I’m hurting.

And nobody knows or cares. That is the sad reality in the world we live in today. Everyone is so busy trying to patch up their cracks and heal their own pains that they forget to treat others with compassion and empathy. We forget to love our neighbor and forgive their brokenness. No wonder depression is as common as it is… nobody cares.

Even if they do care, we all must take the time to take care of ourselves. And what do the people do who don’t know how to care for themselves? Who do they turn to then? How do they get help?

Wouldn’t it make the most sense to just be kind all the time? Wouldn’t it be better for us to never have to heal our broken hearts because they were never broken at all? Then we could turn our attention to our brothers and sisters who really do need our help and build them up instead of allowing them to stay down.

I’ve always liked the quote “Why do we only rest in peace? Why can’t we live in it too?” Why is this so hard to achieve? How do we reverse all the bad things we’ve done and stop from doing them again? Is there any convincing to those who have already gone too far down the rabbit hole?

People often think I don’t care about their feelings. They all think I’m okay with hurting them and breaking their hearts and just being able to move on with my life, but that’s not me. Nobody understands my heart. Nobody sees my brokenness, nor my attempts to avoid creating theirs. I am placed into the same boat as the rest. Sometimes I think I deserve to be there too.

I have tried SO very hard not to hurt anyone or break their hearts. I’ve distanced myself from any potential dates or people who may think they like me but don’t know me at all. I’ve hurt too many already and I don’t want to go back to that life anymore. I don’t want to NOT care.

I know I can’t help feelings from forming, but I can stop them from growing. Or at least I will try to.

I am detached in such a way that only the one God sends to me will be able to reel me in. Only God can set my heart on fire so much so that I will then feel the need to share it. I don’t feel that for anyone now and I shouldn’t have to feel bad about that. I shouldn’t be made to feel bad about not wanting to be with anyone. I am waiting and being patient for the one who deserves me and that is okay!

I don’t know what others want from me, but I know what I want from myself… to love my neighbor and serve those who come to me. I think that’s really all that matters.

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Days 86-88. I don’t understand why certain things happen to undeserving people. I know choices are made and consequences are given, but honestly, how often do we bother to actually listen to the stories of people before we place judgement on them? Rarely, if ever.

People judge you based on your looks, thoughts, words, actions, work-ethic, choices, how you treat others, and the list goes on. And what do we do in return? Judge them back. We don’t try to understand anyone. We already have our minds made up and how sad is that when we don’t even know the full story.

We don’t know if the person next to us is dealing with issues related to their homes, families, work, friends, health, school, etc. We just jump to conclusions and base people off of someone else’s description. Rarely do we even give people a first chance, let alone a second one.

Why are we like that?

I’ve been thinking about my kids a lot. I’ve been thinking about my team a lot. I’ve been thinking about our building a lot. And I’m trying to put these practices into effect.

How can I listen to each person I work with and not give them a chance? It’s unfair.

All we need to do is be sympathetic and empathize with those we come across. And really, just listening does the greatest good.

I am dedicating myself to take more time to listen. Actually listen and pay attention. I want people to feel alive and good when they speak to me or come across my path. If I’d expect that from others, then I must do it too.

I think I’ve finally accepted that I don’t NEED to have someone to love. I don’t NEED to look for someone. I also don’t NEED to sit by and wait for them to come to me. If something is meant to be, it WILL be. And that’s all there is to know.

There isn’t too much I have to do besides continue to live and be myself. I have decided that I will be myself despite what other people think. I don’t care to please anyone anymore. I wonder why I ever did to begin with…

I know I am a hard worker. I know when I speak I should expect to own up to my words as well. I don’t mind people questioning me based on things they don’t know because I will own up and explain myself. If they choose to not agree or accept things, then so be it. I can’t force anyone to like me or think a certain way about me. And I don’t care to stand by and try to convince them of anything either.

I am me. That is the only person that I can be. I’ve started to feel more comfortable showing who I truly am with people I work with, friends I spend my time with, people I date, and those I simply come across on a daily basis. It’s hard sometimes to bare yourself to the world… to let others see you and have them not like something.

I’ve learn to take it. I know that people will talk about me behind my back and say things that I don’t agree with, but they believe because they simply don’t like me for who I am. I have to be ok with that. It’s hard, but it’s a must.

Days 42 & 43. I opened the Bible tonight a bit reluctantly and asked God to lead me to what he wanted me to read. I stopped in the book of first Corinthians and felt him tell me to stop. No coincidence that the verse I read was the exact same verse I wrote about last.

“What eye has not seen, and ear has not heard, and what has not entered the human heart, what God has prepared for those who love him.”

I am not surprised. I know God is repeating this to me for a reason that is still currently unknown. What is he trying to tell me through this?

I am stressed and overwhelmed, but I don’t feel it upon my shoulders anymore. I am sticking up for myself. I’m not putting myself into any situations or relationships where I feel abused, manipulated, used, disrespected, or underappreciated. He is with me. He is helping me. And he’s letting me know that I may not be able to see it yet, but he has something greater planned for me.

Why do we get so caught up with things that are out of our control? Like the way people think of us, or even someone breaking our heart. We can’t stop that from happening. I can’t force anyone to like me. I can’t force anyone to think of me in a nice way. But I can pray about it and let God take control.

That’s really all it is; letting go of the wheel and trusting God has better control over things than we do. We try to force things, make things work with people who we aren’t meant to work with, keep balance over our work life and home life and everything else in between. But things still end up messy.

Just like my dad says, “Anything always happens.” And it does. We don’t know what will happen to us tomorrow. We don’t even know what will happen to us in the next minute. All we know is that we are alive and breathing and blessed beyond measure.

I am so incredibly fortunate to be blessed with an abundance of gifts like awareness, understanding, patience, and compassion. Gifts that people often overlook or don’t care much for. But I so appreciate them and adore the great God who allowed me to have them.

No, I don’t know what is in store for me. However, I can live with that and be okay.

I am okay.

Day 41. I watched the movie “Coffee Shop” twice in the past week. It’s one of those cheesy romantic comedies that are super unrealistic and set the standards for men and expectations for women too high (do I sound like a love hater?). Though, it was still good and had a good message to it.

The main character reminded me a bit of myself. Big heart, desire to help those she loves, trouble finding Mr. Right, enjoys coffee more than a normal person should, ambitious, and a stubborn/feisty attitude when rubbed the wrong way. It was like watching a movie about myself, except I don’t have blonde hair and blue eyes (and I didn’t get to kiss the handsome guy at the end!!!).

Towards the end of the movie when she was in a rut and didn’t know what to do next, something her friend told her really stuck with me. He said:

“Don’t lose yourself in the temporary. No one has ever seen, no one has ever heard, and no one can ever imagine the things God has planned for them.”

How powerful is that statement? I found myself rushing this morning, just like every other morning, but now I try to catch myself before stressing out. Yes, there is a high possibility that I will run late again, but I have to remember to be patient. I cannot get stuck in the temporary.

We often forget that we are praising the Lord in our work so have to give our all and do the very best we can. We do not know the promises God has for us. We can only trust that his will is greater than our thoughts. Then we just need to let go and let God take care of it all.

Day 38. Overwhelmed. Broken. Beaten down.

I didn’t question God today when things were just crazy. I did complain though. A lot. I’m working on that. I was able to calm myself and stabilize my thoughts after sitting alone for a while. All for everything to come crashing down again tonight.

Why is it the people that you give your best to the ones who turn on you and blame you for everything? They have a way of bringing you down. WAY down. I’m writing from below right now. But I think of it is an opportunity for me to look up. I’m trying to find the positives of a situation where someone just hurts you to the core and leaves you feeling worthless.

This time will be different though. I’m not going to let those thoughts enter my mind because they aren’t true. I am not worthless. I am not dumb. I am not someone that another person can crap on to make themselves feel better. I am more than all of that and I will show it. I will make others work to find the true me, but always remember to be kind in doing so.

God spoke to me tonight. It’s been a while. But I’ve heard that in a time of need, he will show up and be there with you. Tonight was a time of need and he is definitely with me.

As I sat crying with my Bible in my lap, I asked God to speak to me. I told him to tell me what to read, what page to stop on, and in whatever passage I was drawn to, to speak to me. I didn’t ask anything more. I didn’t tell him to make me feel better, nor to comfort me, nor to take any pain away. I didn’t even ask for him to tell me anything in specific. Still, he told me exactly what I needed to hear that would cover all of those things.

I opened up my Bible and stopped on Psalm 42- “Thirsting for God in Trouble and Exile.” It begins by saying,

“As the deer pants for the water brooks,
So my soul pants for You, O God.

My soul thirsts for God, for the living God;
When shall I come and appear before God?

My tears have been my food day and night,
While they say to me all day long, “Where is your God?””

It continues on with,

“Why are you in despair, O my soul?
And why have you become disturbed within me?
Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him
For the help of His presence.

O my God, my soul is in despair within me;”

MY SOUL IS IN DESPAIR. MY TEARS HAVE BEEN MY FOOD DAY AND NIGHT. He knew the emotions I felt and I didn’t have to tell him. I mean, can it be anymore clear than that?!

Then, it finishes with:

“Deep calls to deep at the sound of Your waterfalls;
All Your breakers and Your waves have rolled over me.

The Lord will command His lovingkindness in the daytime;
And His song will be with me in the night,
A prayer to the God of my life.”

He tells me right there that he will be with me through the night. If that isn’t clear, then I don’t know what is.

I’m at peace right now. I’m feeling serene. And I’m looking up.

I can’t seem to comprehend why I think back to my mistakes and then let them consume me until I feel bad. Why do I do that?! It’s like I can’t let go of things even though I try so hard. I don’t need to be thinking about the past. Obviously whatever was left behind had to be removed from my life for a reason.

Why can’t I just move on? Why do I still think about someone I dated 2 years ago? Why do people still ask me about him? Why does it bother me when they do? Do I still love him? Am I still IN love with him?

I can answer most of those questions with “I don’t know.” But the last 2 are the most important. So, yes and no. I wish it was no for both, but I genuinely feel that once you have truly loved someone, a real and honest love, you can’t just throw it away. Some type of love or care will remain. If not, then it’s the memories.

I wish I could get away from them. Sometimes I wish I could just forget the entire relationship and pretend nothing ever happened to me. I never got my heart broken. I never got hurt. My thoughts on love and marriage didn’t change.

I just want to move on and not have to ever see or hear about him again.