Archives for posts with tag: Relationships

Days 42 & 43. I opened the Bible tonight a bit reluctantly and asked God to lead me to what he wanted me to read. I stopped in the book of first Corinthians and felt him tell me to stop. No coincidence that the verse I read was the exact same verse I wrote about last.

“What eye has not seen, and ear has not heard, and what has not entered the human heart, what God has prepared for those who love him.”

I am not surprised. I know God is repeating this to me for a reason that is still currently unknown. What is he trying to tell me through this?

I am stressed and overwhelmed, but I don’t feel it upon my shoulders anymore. I am sticking up for myself. I’m not putting myself into any situations or relationships where I feel abused, manipulated, used, disrespected, or underappreciated. He is with me. He is helping me. And he’s letting me know that I may not be able to see it yet, but he has something greater planned for me.

Why do we get so caught up with things that are out of our control? Like the way people think of us, or even someone breaking our heart. We can’t stop that from happening. I can’t force anyone to like me. I can’t force anyone to think of me in a nice way. But I can pray about it and let God take control.

That’s really all it is; letting go of the wheel and trusting God has better control over things than we do. We try to force things, make things work with people who we aren’t meant to work with, keep balance over our work life and home life and everything else in between. But things still end up messy.

Just like my dad says, “Anything always happens.” And it does. We don’t know what will happen to us tomorrow. We don’t even know what will happen to us in the next minute. All we know is that we are alive and breathing and blessed beyond measure.

I am so incredibly fortunate to be blessed with an abundance of gifts like awareness, understanding, patience, and compassion. Gifts that people often overlook or don’t care much for. But I so appreciate them and adore the great God who allowed me to have them.

No, I don’t know what is in store for me. However, I can live with that and be okay.

I am okay.

Day 41. I watched the movie “Coffee Shop” twice in the past week. It’s one of those cheesy romantic comedies that are super unrealistic and set the standards for men and expectations for women too high (do I sound like a love hater?). Though, it was still good and had a good message to it.

The main character reminded me a bit of myself. Big heart, desire to help those she loves, trouble finding Mr. Right, enjoys coffee more than a normal person should, ambitious, and a stubborn/feisty attitude when rubbed the wrong way. It was like watching a movie about myself, except I don’t have blonde hair and blue eyes (and I didn’t get to kiss the handsome guy at the end!!!).

Towards the end of the movie when she was in a rut and didn’t know what to do next, something her friend told her really stuck with me. He said:

“Don’t lose yourself in the temporary. No one has ever seen, no one has ever heard, and no one can ever imagine the things God has planned for them.”

How powerful is that statement? I found myself rushing this morning, just like every other morning, but now I try to catch myself before stressing out. Yes, there is a high possibility that I will run late again, but I have to remember to be patient. I cannot get stuck in the temporary.

We often forget that we are praising the Lord in our work so have to give our all and do the very best we can. We do not know the promises God has for us. We can only trust that his will is greater than our thoughts. Then we just need to let go and let God take care of it all.

Day 38. Overwhelmed. Broken. Beaten down.

I didn’t question God today when things were just crazy. I did complain though. A lot. I’m working on that. I was able to calm myself and stabilize my thoughts after sitting alone for a while. All for everything to come crashing down again tonight.

Why is it the people that you give your best to the ones who turn on you and blame you for everything? They have a way of bringing you down. WAY down. I’m writing from below right now. But I think of it is an opportunity for me to look up. I’m trying to find the positives of a situation where someone just hurts you to the core and leaves you feeling worthless.

This time will be different though. I’m not going to let those thoughts enter my mind because they aren’t true. I am not worthless. I am not dumb. I am not someone that another person can crap on to make themselves feel better. I am more than all of that and I will show it. I will make others work to find the true me, but always remember to be kind in doing so.

God spoke to me tonight. It’s been a while. But I’ve heard that in a time of need, he will show up and be there with you. Tonight was a time of need and he is definitely with me.

As I sat crying with my Bible in my lap, I asked God to speak to me. I told him to tell me what to read, what page to stop on, and in whatever passage I was drawn to, to speak to me. I didn’t ask anything more. I didn’t tell him to make me feel better, nor to comfort me, nor to take any pain away. I didn’t even ask for him to tell me anything in specific. Still, he told me exactly what I needed to hear that would cover all of those things.

I opened up my Bible and stopped on Psalm 42- “Thirsting for God in Trouble and Exile.” It begins by saying,

“As the deer pants for the water brooks,
So my soul pants for You, O God.

My soul thirsts for God, for the living God;
When shall I come and appear before God?

My tears have been my food day and night,
While they say to me all day long, “Where is your God?””

It continues on with,

“Why are you in despair, O my soul?
And why have you become disturbed within me?
Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him
For the help of His presence.

O my God, my soul is in despair within me;”

MY SOUL IS IN DESPAIR. MY TEARS HAVE BEEN MY FOOD DAY AND NIGHT. He knew the emotions I felt and I didn’t have to tell him. I mean, can it be anymore clear than that?!

Then, it finishes with:

“Deep calls to deep at the sound of Your waterfalls;
All Your breakers and Your waves have rolled over me.

The Lord will command His lovingkindness in the daytime;
And His song will be with me in the night,
A prayer to the God of my life.”

He tells me right there that he will be with me through the night. If that isn’t clear, then I don’t know what is.

I’m at peace right now. I’m feeling serene. And I’m looking up.

I can’t seem to comprehend why I think back to my mistakes and then let them consume me until I feel bad. Why do I do that?! It’s like I can’t let go of things even though I try so hard. I don’t need to be thinking about the past. Obviously whatever was left behind had to be removed from my life for a reason.

Why can’t I just move on? Why do I still think about someone I dated 2 years ago? Why do people still ask me about him? Why does it bother me when they do? Do I still love him? Am I still IN love with him?

I can answer most of those questions with “I don’t know.” But the last 2 are the most important. So, yes and no. I wish it was no for both, but I genuinely feel that once you have truly loved someone, a real and honest love, you can’t just throw it away. Some type of love or care will remain. If not, then it’s the memories.

I wish I could get away from them. Sometimes I wish I could just forget the entire relationship and pretend nothing ever happened to me. I never got my heart broken. I never got hurt. My thoughts on love and marriage didn’t change.

I just want to move on and not have to ever see or hear about him again.

Insane how much loss has occurred over the past 2 days. People I knew, family members of close friends, and just people in the spotlight that have made an impact on the world. It has been a sad couple of days.

I realize that loss is inevitable and we all just go at some point; a time which none of us know. It’s so sad to think that at any given moment of any given day, loss could occur.

How often do we take each other for granted?! We wake up and go through life so routinely, constantly forgetting how blessed we are for everything we have. Especially the smallest things we overlook daily! It is complete madness.

How do I overcome the natural reaction of caring for a moment, then proceeding to no longer worry about others who are not in my life? How can I let my heart become so cold?

I need to be sympathetic and empathetic! Beyond that, I need to take action and change my own ways. Rid myself of the selfishness within. It’s just so hard! It’s difficult to get rid of the desire to acquire more material possessions. To simply WANT more when what I have is more than I really need.

I’m still working on that. I’ll get it down one day, hopefully.

Dad asked me something curious last night and it’s been on my mind all day today. He asked if I liked anyone.

Actually, his exact words were, “Ain’t nobody got your fancy?” Which I think is the best way to ask and doesn’t make it AS awkward. Anyway, I answered no. Because there isn’t anyone. I honestly don’t know if I want there to ever be.

Of course nobody ever want to be alone and we want someone to cherish us and blah blah blah. Typical human desires. I’m just afraid that I don’t fit that mold. I don’t just want someone to be there for me… I want THE ONE to be there WITH me.

Much to my dismay, I am not an actual princess, even if I strive to be treated as such (dad and brothers spoiled me, what can I say). But I do know that no man is an island. And no man should have to endure work and struggle alone to provide for his wife or family. It’s a shared responsibility.

I’m extremely independent. I do not need anyone’s assistance or approval, especially not a man’s. I just have never felt the desire to actually want to settle down with anyone. But I know that if it were to happen, I would give 100 percent and more to make things work and keep that person happy. It’s just so hard to find someone like that in today’s times. I fear that I never will.

But my hope and trust remain in the Lord. I just remember that he will provide in his time, not according to my wants, but according to what he knows I need.

At times I get sad and frustrated from dealing with selfish men who do not acknowledge my worth, but I remain hopeful because I know that it will take a hell of a man to change my views on commitment. Someone who is good and kind and much better than anyone I’ve ever even fathomed an idea about.

No dad, nobody currently has my fancy. But the future has my curiosity.