Archives for posts with tag: Selflove

Days 42 & 43. I opened the Bible tonight a bit reluctantly and asked God to lead me to what he wanted me to read. I stopped in the book of first Corinthians and felt him tell me to stop. No coincidence that the verse I read was the exact same verse I wrote about last.

“What eye has not seen, and ear has not heard, and what has not entered the human heart, what God has prepared for those who love him.”

I am not surprised. I know God is repeating this to me for a reason that is still currently unknown. What is he trying to tell me through this?

I am stressed and overwhelmed, but I don’t feel it upon my shoulders anymore. I am sticking up for myself. I’m not putting myself into any situations or relationships where I feel abused, manipulated, used, disrespected, or underappreciated. He is with me. He is helping me. And he’s letting me know that I may not be able to see it yet, but he has something greater planned for me.

Why do we get so caught up with things that are out of our control? Like the way people think of us, or even someone breaking our heart. We can’t stop that from happening. I can’t force anyone to like me. I can’t force anyone to think of me in a nice way. But I can pray about it and let God take control.

That’s really all it is; letting go of the wheel and trusting God has better control over things than we do. We try to force things, make things work with people who we aren’t meant to work with, keep balance over our work life and home life and everything else in between. But things still end up messy.

Just like my dad says, “Anything always happens.” And it does. We don’t know what will happen to us tomorrow. We don’t even know what will happen to us in the next minute. All we know is that we are alive and breathing and blessed beyond measure.

I am so incredibly fortunate to be blessed with an abundance of gifts like awareness, understanding, patience, and compassion. Gifts that people often overlook or don’t care much for. But I so appreciate them and adore the great God who allowed me to have them.

No, I don’t know what is in store for me. However, I can live with that and be okay.

I am okay.

I don’t want to write this one. I don’t like to talk about this at all, but it bothers me so much and I am tired of pushing it to the back of my mind. I just have to let it out.

I keep getting these feelings of wanting to go back to denying myself of eating. Restricting my food intake. Back to my old ways of skipping meals in order to control my weight. I’ve been fighting it off for almost a month now, but it’s getting worse. Every time I eat, I have that nagging voice in the back of my head telling me that I don’t need that meal, that I can focus my attention on something else to ignore my hunger, that I will be ok without the “extra” food for the day.

I’ve been doing well lately ignoring the urges to start up again. Although I’m not pleased with my weight right now and a bit frustrated by what I see in the mirror, I refuse to go back to that dark place. I am struggling though, almost like trying to swim through waves that keep crashing down on me. But when you have been that low, every little bit of progress is a celebration.

Self-love begins with acknowledging that God created me in his image. Praising him for allowing me to have things I take for granted and complain about everyday, like my hair or my legs, even down to the smallest things like my eyebrows. I need to change the way I talk about myself and TO myself. Change my thoughts to make them positive. Refrain from beating myself up when I eat things that aren’t the best choice and reminding myself that it’s ok to indulge every once in a while. Remembering that I am human and I am not perfect. Cutting comparisons between myself and others that aren’t even relevant! Simply enjoying my life and being happy with the decisions I make about my body and soul.

I can’t fall again; I refuse to do so. I will conquer this one small baby step at a time.

I normally wouldn’t wait 3 days to write, but these 3 days needed to be clumped together. I’ve been screwing up a lot. Failing myself mainly. I want to be strong and not drink anymore, but it is hard. I finally realized the crappy cycle that I put myself through, and it hurts me knowing that I am the one making the decisions that lead me into these feelings and thoughts about myself and my body.

I have been really stressed out with everything going on with family and now with work starting up again. Apparently I forgot that I was going to put myself through a spiritual journey this summer because summer is basically over and I have done NOTHING. Instead, I’ve started drinking a lot. Not A LOT a lot, but more than what I normally do. This week I managed to drink once everyday for 7 days in a row. I’m really proud of myself for hurting my kidneys and liver and pushing myself to a point of exhaustion and unhealthiness where I feel like absolute crap. Oh yeah, it’s been a blast…….. Said no one ever.

I ate like garbage this entire week with my family in town and wanting to go out every night. I had actually been doing well with not feeling bad about the food I intake, but this week has my brain going crazy.

I have a sort of eating disorder. I never admitted it, not even to myself, until about a couple months ago when I knew I was doing it and knew I was doing nothing stop myself. It hasn’t progressed to anything extremely serious, thank goodness, but it still is pretty serious. And it is all based in my mind.

If I don’t like that I am gaining weight, or my pants are fitting too tight, or I don’t even fit into clothes I once wore, or I am just being unhealthy and eating nothing but junk food, or if I am upset and think that the reason people don’t like me is because of my appearance, or if I just want to be in control of ONE thing in my life, I won’t eat. I won’t starve myself all day; I just will limit the amount of food I eat per meal or more often just eat about once a day.

A lot of it results from I don’t have time to go to the gym to workout or I’m too tired to go. Therefore, I don’t like the way my body looks to me. I know I’m not fat, but I just feel like I am sometimes. Again, all in my brain. I tell myself these things that make me feel bad, even if they aren’t true. It’s depressing.

Well, the last time I really deprived myself of eating was a couple months ago. I promised myself the last time that I wouldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t hurt my body like that. And I’ve kept that promise so far. But after this week, I can feel my mind working and thinking these thoughts again. I don’t like what I see in the mirror. I’ve been drinking so much. I’ve been eating so bad. I haven’t worked out. My pants looked so bad on me today. I can’t keep looking that way.

So my brain automatically tells me that I don’t need to eat anymore and that I’ve been eating too much so I don’t really need to eat anymore for the rest of the day…. or week. Probably for the whole week. But I plan to fight my brain this time. I don’t want to fall and cave into this pressure I’ve put on myself. I want to try and be healthy the right way! I need to start with my mind first though and that is going to be the hardest part.

It’s hard when everyone around you makes you feel alone. When your own family doesn’t want to spend much time with you and seems unphased by not seeing or speaking to you for days. When they ignore you to focus on other worldly things that are not of importance. When my friends do or say things that make you feel bad about yourself and not feel worthy of their friendship, pushing you to do things that you don’t feel comfortable doing. It is hard having extreme anxiety and doing things your friends want when all you want to do is stay home away from people. Then having to be a person of your word and commit to these things you said yes to… the pressure is difficult to keep up with. Plus, finding out someone you had strong feelings for never even thought of you as more than a friend can put you into a swirl of emotions. Hence the thoughts on not being good or pretty enough, driving me back to drinking or restricting myself from eating.

It’s a vicious cycle.

However, it is very refreshing to admit these things to myself. I’m glad I can actually be honest and know what my REAL flaws are that I need to work on. And the only thing that will really help me love myself and get through this is to trust God. I need to remember that he will help me at all times and that he is there even when I feel alone.

We are never alone! Just have to remind ourselves that God is with us.

I’ve written for almost a full month… documenting my life, emotions, and thoughts for 27 days now. I feel bare. Exposed. Open. Scared. Raw.

Nothing has changed, really. I think I entered this assuming that being honest with myself would change my heart or thoughts but nope. I’m still just as anxious, if not more, about my life and love.

I sometimes stop and wonder if I’m so nervous about finding love because I don’t want to be proven wrong. I’ve been so convinced for the longest time that love is a scam. Or at least the search for love is. Though, the process of loving is so incredibly difficult and made even more so by people constantly giving up and running because of the fear of commitment.

I can’t be with someone who is that way, especially since I need to be shown that my thoughts inaccurate. I know love is real. I see it everyday in different settings. But so many get hurt and heartbroken everyday that they can’t believe someone will take them in and accept them as they are.

That’s me. I think I’m about average as you can get on a scale of awkward to model. Who would want me? I’m a nervous wreck, I have morals and standards that are old fashioned and outdated for the times we live in, and I just don’t like to waste my time with people who can’t comprehend that they should treat others with respect. Nobody wants someone with those values anymore.

I can’t allow myself to fall in love and I can’t allow myself to marry anyone. I’ve seen the way people are when they are simply unhappy in their marriage. People who once swore that they were marrying their soulmate, their best friend, the person who understood them the most. How do things change? And why don’t people change with each other instead of choosing to leave the other behind?

I find it hard to believe that love can last so how do some people still manage to do it? That’s where I’m conflicted. I want that so bad, but I won’t let myself even get close to trying to find it. I want it to come to me so I know that it’s a guarantee. I’ll know that it’s worth it, that it’s true, and that I can go along with it. I can’t find it on my own. I haven’t thus far, so obviously something is wrong. But I don’t want the wrong thing to be me.

So no, my thoughts on love haven’t changed. In fact, I’m stagnant. I plan to be that way for a will too. And whoever will be fearless enough to scale the wall surrounding my heart can have it.

Time will tell.

I’m getting bad about writing everything down. I just get so overwhelmed and I don’t want to do anything or talk to anyone. It’s crazy how all I want is for others to hear me out, but I can’t even get myself to want to be around people. That only makes my struggle with anxiety worse.

Over these past two days, I have struggled with knowing my self-worth. Though I feel God reminding me in small ways that I matter. I am trying to listen to his voice rather than outside influences. It is extremely difficult.

After a few long and stressful weeks, I stuck with my decision of not joining my mother on a vacation trip and instead coming to help my father with my grandparents. I still don’t know if it was the right choice to let my mother go alone, especially after all of her attempts to persuade me to go. But I do feel in my heart that my choice was unselfish and for the right reasons (if that even means anything to anyone these days).

Yet I still find myself trying to run away from what I feel is obligation. I don’t know if I’m putting that pressure on myself, or if it just comes along with the situation. Hard to tell. I’m hanging in there.

I feel that I am extending myself to my breaking point. Actually, I reached it yesterday. It wasn’t this awakening sensation where it suddenly dawned on me or anything. I just broke down. I wasn’t able to understand why things kept going wrong when I felt that I was trying my hardest to do things right.

The Lord tends to put me in situations where I have to remain patient. Again and again I am reminded that there are always reasons to smile, even when things are ugly. Sometimes it could be something that seems to insignificant to others, like getting your breakfast for free in the drive thru, but I know that is how God speaks: through little actions that make big impacts.