Archives for posts with tag: Selflove

Days 107-108. God loves me. I know it in my heart and soul. I feel all the way to my core. I was reassured this weekend of this very fact and I have never felt more… normal.

Before when I would go on retreats, I’d leave with a spiritual high that was incomparable to any other feeling. But after a few days, the feeling would fade and I would be right back to the same way as before.

I didn’t leave this weekend with a spiritual high; I left with so much love in my heart that I can’t contain it. I need to share it with others.

This sensation is best compared to when you get a new gadget or piece of clothing that you need to show off to everyone so they can see how nice it is. Except this love I have isn’t showy or able to fade after a short stint of having it.

This love is refreshing and renewing. It can literally change your life and save you from anything you were struggling with before encountering it.

I don’t feel like a different person; my core has stayed the same. I simply feel like a better version of myself, and I think that is so incredible. Why wouldn’t anyone want to experience this type of love?

I was afraid of love, but I’m not anymore. I know what true love is. I know that it will hurt and it isn’t pretty and it will take lots of work, but it will ALWAYS be worth it. It will always forgive, always accept, and always push me to be the best version of myself.

If it doesn’t fit that description, it’s not love. It’s not real.

I refuse to allow anyone I know and anyone I meet to experience anything less.

I have been through many fake relationships with fake love that needs to please and seek acceptance. None of them were worth it. There is only one person who is worth it, and that is God. He is calling us and waiting for us to meet him. Are we going to ignore his call, or will we accept his love for us?

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Days 101-102. I don’t understand how feelings work or form or disappear… is this knowledge we as humans are supposed to comprehend?

I’m back to being afraid of marriage. I’m afraid of committing to someone. I was in an okay spot, but today changed everything. Again.

It is incredibly depressing knowing that moments that are so insignificant to us can be molding another persons life or mindset. Truly remarkable how by one small word, or lack of, can impact a person so much. Can cause an emotional reaction. Can create emotional turmoil in another.

SOMETHING THAT IS SO INSIGNIFICANT TO YOU CHANGES SOMEONE ELSE!

How can that be okay? How is it ever okay to break someone’s heart and then just move on with your life as if it never happened? And to think that we go around doing this daily… there are really no words to describe this knowledge. It’s just sad.

Think about it, our hearts get broken everyday. It may not be a huge break, or maybe it might, but either way they are being chipped apart constantly by the smallest things. It could be by someone telling you you’re not good enough, someone saying your cooking doesn’t taste right, your jeans are fitting a little too snug, your hair looks bad, your makeup is subpar, your jokes aren’t funny, your attitude is unappreciated (even though nobody bothers to ask if you’re okay to figure out why you have an attitude to begin with), your shoes aren’t cool, your laugh is too high-pitched, you aren’t doing your job right, your nose is big, your ears are small, you look tired (even if you tried really hard to make yourself not look that way)… the list could go on forever.

I as a person break every single time I hear those things. And considering that those saying the words believe they are so insignificant, the small break in my heart is also probably not important either.

Then what do we do in return? We go and say those things to others! WHY DO WE DO THAT?? Weren’t we just broken? Don’t we know we will break another in the same way? Do we really want everyone to be broken just so that they can be in the same boat as us?

I don’t understand. I don’t think I’ll ever understand. I’m at a loss right now… I dont know where to go from here or how to feel. I’m utterly lost. I’m broken. I’m hurting.

And nobody knows or cares. That is the sad reality in the world we live in today. Everyone is so busy trying to patch up their cracks and heal their own pains that they forget to treat others with compassion and empathy. We forget to love our neighbor and forgive their brokenness. No wonder depression is as common as it is… nobody cares.

Even if they do care, we all must take the time to take care of ourselves. And what do the people do who don’t know how to care for themselves? Who do they turn to then? How do they get help?

Wouldn’t it make the most sense to just be kind all the time? Wouldn’t it be better for us to never have to heal our broken hearts because they were never broken at all? Then we could turn our attention to our brothers and sisters who really do need our help and build them up instead of allowing them to stay down.

I’ve always liked the quote “Why do we only rest in peace? Why can’t we live in it too?” Why is this so hard to achieve? How do we reverse all the bad things we’ve done and stop from doing them again? Is there any convincing to those who have already gone too far down the rabbit hole?

People often think I don’t care about their feelings. They all think I’m okay with hurting them and breaking their hearts and just being able to move on with my life, but that’s not me. Nobody understands my heart. Nobody sees my brokenness, nor my attempts to avoid creating theirs. I am placed into the same boat as the rest. Sometimes I think I deserve to be there too.

I have tried SO very hard not to hurt anyone or break their hearts. I’ve distanced myself from any potential dates or people who may think they like me but don’t know me at all. I’ve hurt too many already and I don’t want to go back to that life anymore. I don’t want to NOT care.

I know I can’t help feelings from forming, but I can stop them from growing. Or at least I will try to.

I am detached in such a way that only the one God sends to me will be able to reel me in. Only God can set my heart on fire so much so that I will then feel the need to share it. I don’t feel that for anyone now and I shouldn’t have to feel bad about that. I shouldn’t be made to feel bad about not wanting to be with anyone. I am waiting and being patient for the one who deserves me and that is okay!

I don’t know what others want from me, but I know what I want from myself… to love my neighbor and serve those who come to me. I think that’s really all that matters.

Day 73. Our second day at work went well. I think my kids are feeling a slight bit better around our new building. Or maybe I just want to believe that so I won’t feel bad anymore about the move. I have them journaling about their experiences, so hopefully time will tell.

In other news, I failed yet again at getting back on my healthy eating kick. I want to believe that I was doing a great job at clean eating before, but I don’t know how accurate that is. I do know that I was definitely eating way better compared to how I am now. And again, the nagging voice is coming back to my mind. I’m literally on the road to eating myself to death.

I know that this stupid eating disorder isn’t going away in the next day or week or even year. It is constantly trying to convince me that I am undesirable if I’m not at the weight I want to be. If my face is too round or my arms are too chunky to fit into my sleeves, I start to stress. Then with all added stress, I start to stress eat and everything just goes downhill from there.

I can’t let myself continue on this unhealthy path. I honestly don’t care if I’m big or thin, I just want to be happy and healthy without fear of any health related issues.

I find myself trying to prove that I can still get the attention of men even though I am not as skinny as I once was. As attractive as I once was. As happy as I once was… And then I end up making poor choices or teasing people or leading them on knowing full well they do not interest me and I won’t want to pursue. This is one thing I have stopped doing unless I’ve been drinking, which is another story for another time.

I know that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I know I need to completely love myself before getting to be with someone else and I can do that. However I know that this is also a process that will take a long time.

I have to learn to fully love and accept myself so I can continue to fight these battles and temptations. I also know that I need to love myself so that I can give my students a good example of how to do so.

If it needs to be for them before doing for myself, then I will get it done. I will not give up.

I am changed.

Anxiety once had me down. An eating disorder once controlled me. Depression once kept me from allowing me to see my self-worth.

I am changed.

I’ve seen pain in people’s eyes who have lost everything from the hurricane. I’ve seen people in despair, desperate to feed and clothe their children. I’ve seen people who have lost hope and do not allow themselves to be fully loved by God, choosing instead to live on the streets rather than accept help. I have helped these people, fed these people, clothed these people, spoken to these people, hugged these people…

I am changed.

I am fortunate, but I have still lost, just like the rest of those living within this city and throughout our great state. My school is gone. My classroom that I worked so hard to get ready… gone. My students have lost more than me though. Their homes, cars, belongings… gone.

I am changed.

I don’t know what this new adventure will bring. I don’t know if I can look at my students in the face and bring them hope. I don’t know if I will even be able to teach them anything this year. I don’t know how much longer I can stay strong.

But I am changed.

My heart is different.

I will not accept failure anymore. I won’t stand for anything that doesn’t bring goodness and hope. I won’t allow my spirit to be brought down anymore. I will try my best to remain positive. Above all, I will trust God and know that his will is greater than any other plan I had for myself.

I am changed. And I won’t go back to the way I was before.

Enter pre-birthday celebration. All fun and games. Nice time with friends and family.

Enter my past to complicate my birthfay celebration. Why is he here and why would God bring him back into my life? What do I do?

Old me would have quickly fallen back into his charm. New me? Still did a bit, but not in the way I thought I would. I just needed answers. I had so many questions. So we talked and straightened things out. No affection from me at all. I don’t feel a thing anymore except for sorrow for him. His situation is so sad. And that could’ve been me.

So many times we wonder why God wouldn’t let us be with the person we found so perfect and rarely are we ever allowed to see why. I was shown why. God was watching out for me… keeping me for something greater. Someone better.

Maybe as an outcome from engaging in conversation with him I ended up sick and in the emergency clinic. But again, God was watching out for me. The doctors found nothing wrong. I am still in pain, but so grateful for being healthy. I’m just amazed at God.

No matter what we do, how far lost we get, how many times we turn away from him, how often we deny him, the things we do to make us feel unworthy of his love… He still loves us so deeply. He calls for us. He wants us happy and healthy and full of life. How can we turn him away?

God is my top priority right now. Even though work is stressful and starts again tomorrow, I am trying to trust him more and not worry. Nothing good comes from worrying. It doesn’t help. But trusting in God and knowing that things will work out does give me a calming sensation that nothing else can take away.

Until tomorrow… I will sleep and hope to dream of my TRUE forever and ever. Whoever he may be. I will pray for him and for his health and happiness. And I will focus on God and allow him to take me where ever I’m meant to go and use me as a vessel of his love.

Tomorrow is a new day. A new chance for me to share my love with a new set of children. Time to rest.

Days 42 & 43. I opened the Bible tonight a bit reluctantly and asked God to lead me to what he wanted me to read. I stopped in the book of first Corinthians and felt him tell me to stop. No coincidence that the verse I read was the exact same verse I wrote about last.

“What eye has not seen, and ear has not heard, and what has not entered the human heart, what God has prepared for those who love him.”

I am not surprised. I know God is repeating this to me for a reason that is still currently unknown. What is he trying to tell me through this?

I am stressed and overwhelmed, but I don’t feel it upon my shoulders anymore. I am sticking up for myself. I’m not putting myself into any situations or relationships where I feel abused, manipulated, used, disrespected, or underappreciated. He is with me. He is helping me. And he’s letting me know that I may not be able to see it yet, but he has something greater planned for me.

Why do we get so caught up with things that are out of our control? Like the way people think of us, or even someone breaking our heart. We can’t stop that from happening. I can’t force anyone to like me. I can’t force anyone to think of me in a nice way. But I can pray about it and let God take control.

That’s really all it is; letting go of the wheel and trusting God has better control over things than we do. We try to force things, make things work with people who we aren’t meant to work with, keep balance over our work life and home life and everything else in between. But things still end up messy.

Just like my dad says, “Anything always happens.” And it does. We don’t know what will happen to us tomorrow. We don’t even know what will happen to us in the next minute. All we know is that we are alive and breathing and blessed beyond measure.

I am so incredibly fortunate to be blessed with an abundance of gifts like awareness, understanding, patience, and compassion. Gifts that people often overlook or don’t care much for. But I so appreciate them and adore the great God who allowed me to have them.

No, I don’t know what is in store for me. However, I can live with that and be okay.

I am okay.

I don’t want to write this one. I don’t like to talk about this at all, but it bothers me so much and I am tired of pushing it to the back of my mind. I just have to let it out.

I keep getting these feelings of wanting to go back to denying myself of eating. Restricting my food intake. Back to my old ways of skipping meals in order to control my weight. I’ve been fighting it off for almost a month now, but it’s getting worse. Every time I eat, I have that nagging voice in the back of my head telling me that I don’t need that meal, that I can focus my attention on something else to ignore my hunger, that I will be ok without the “extra” food for the day.

I’ve been doing well lately ignoring the urges to start up again. Although I’m not pleased with my weight right now and a bit frustrated by what I see in the mirror, I refuse to go back to that dark place. I am struggling though, almost like trying to swim through waves that keep crashing down on me. But when you have been that low, every little bit of progress is a celebration.

Self-love begins with acknowledging that God created me in his image. Praising him for allowing me to have things I take for granted and complain about everyday, like my hair or my legs, even down to the smallest things like my eyebrows. I need to change the way I talk about myself and TO myself. Change my thoughts to make them positive. Refrain from beating myself up when I eat things that aren’t the best choice and reminding myself that it’s ok to indulge every once in a while. Remembering that I am human and I am not perfect. Cutting comparisons between myself and others that aren’t even relevant! Simply enjoying my life and being happy with the decisions I make about my body and soul.

I can’t fall again; I refuse to do so. I will conquer this one small baby step at a time.