Archives for posts with tag: Spirit

Days 44 & 45. I didn’t make it the full month. I barely made it half a month. I was just so stressed and tired and peer pressured to drink today that I gave up my attempt dry August.

I feel like garbage. I don’t want to drink anymore… I really, truly wanted to give it up forever. It is just SO hard. Literally, it is a challenge for me to not do it for an extended period of time. I could do it on my own, but once I’m around the presence of others, that’s where I fail.

I want to disappear. I don’t want to exist within this world anymore. I want to take a break from all of the people, but I know it’s not possible at the moment. Everyone just challenges me, and maybe I even challenge myself a bit more, but I just can’t handle things. I’m failing as usual.

I can’t run away though. I have to face this struggle head on. And it’s hard, but it’ll get done.

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Something has occurred to me. There can NEVER be too much love. There is just no limit. So why do we hold back? Why are we afraid to share the love we pack in our huge hearts with others? Why don’t we show kindness and spread joy among strangers?

It always hurts me to see others in pain. Physically, emotionally, spiritually… Why do we let others suffer? I know I’m not perfect, and I know that there have been many situations where I could’ve easily done something to help another in a tough time, but I didn’t. Because I was scared. I was afraid they would make fun of me or see my heart for what it is. Vulnerable. Loving. Caring. Full of emotion! Why do we look down on these characteristics?

It’s become a norm in our society to act tough, to hide our emotions, to pretend that we have no feelings, just so others can’t hurt us. But how often does that approach work? Rarely, if ever. We are simply hurting ourselves. Distancing ourselves from the one truth in life! To LOVE!

What a mistake!!

How can we want to avoid the joy and light that comes along with love? Is it because we are too afraid to be hurt time and time again? Yes, love does hurt. Yes, it is a huge risk to open up and potentially be heartbroken by the wrong person. Yes, maybe even our family and closest friends can betray us and cause so much pain in our hearts that it feels as though we can’t take it anymore! But that doesn’t mean to stop loving altogether. That is simply an opportunity to love even more. Love even harder! Love in such a strong way that those who hurt you can’t even deny that love exists!

And man does it exist.

We can’t forget that. I can’t forget that. Even when I feel that all my love has expired, it hasn’t. My heart is evolving to contain and share an even greater type of love. One that I never imagined could exist.

Isn’t that how love is? Constantly evolving and growing into something bigger and bigger until one day we realize that we never thought we could be able to love that hard, yet there we are, loving in a new way.

I need to share my love. I need to open up my heart. And if it gets broken, then so be it. At least it will be cracked open to allow even more love to flow through.

I’m so poor right now. Monetarily, spiritually, emotionally… just poor. However, I’m so very fortunate that the previous statement isn’t extremely accurate. I’m blessed beyond measure. God provides for me. But I still FEEL poor.

My fortune cookie tonight said, “Flying is easy. Not hitting the ground is hard.” Why do those words resonate so much with me? I clearly understand them, but I couldn’t explain to a single soul what they mean. I know they mean something different to everybody. I honestly feel that I am living my life like that right now. I’m trying to fly, or live life in a right way, but I keep hitting the ground, or making mistakes and getting pushed down each time I strive to be better.

Every time I put in my head that I want to be better and do better, I end up failing. I don’t know if I have enough perseverance to continue. I’m weak.

I know God is with me. I know he is. But why do we have to live our lives constantly hitting the ground? We can fly but never long enough to feel the wind and see the sights. It’s always cut short.

I’m always trying to fill this void with people that don’t matter at all and it is so incredibly hard to get out of that habit. How do I change myself?

What does God want from me??? I wish I knew. I wish I could just do it now and I could be closer to him. I’m tired of feeling so far away. I don’t know how to find him in the mess other than the basic sense of knowing he is helping me through it. But I want more than that. Or should that be enough?

I’m hitting the ground again… these questions make me hit the ground. Maybe God wants me to keep falling so one day I can knock some sense into myself. I wouldn’t be surprised… after all this time, I’ve learned his humor is worse than mine.