Archives for posts with tag: Struggles

Days 35-36. Dad left today. Seven months later and it took me until now to realize how much it hurts me that I don’t get to see him everyday. I miss his sense of humor, his scent, his willingness to put himself out there even if others will think he’s strange, his bluntness, his random hugs and kisses, his declarations of love to my mother, and the list goes on.

I know I want him here out of my own selfish desire, but it’s just so difficult going from him being a constant in my days to barely seeing him at all. I wish things were different, but I will continue to push on and try to remain strong.

We had prayer night tonight and it occurred to me that God has been talking to me all along while I have been sitting here waiting for “signs” and other means of communication from him. We sat in silence for 15 minutes and it was a challenge trying to get my brain to stop working and allow me to hear God’s voice. But still he was there in my struggles, talking to me, acknowledging my efforts in trying to hear him.

Sometimes God doesn’t say much. Sometimes, all he does is point out your distractions. All the things that are keeping you from getting closer to him.

I have been frustrated trying to navigate through this chapter in life. Hoping to understand why God allowed things to happen in my family and have my dad pulled away.  Begging him to make everything okay when things feel like they are crashing down.

Navigating through life is like sailing with no map and no concept of where you might be. But Jesus says he is the way, the truth, and the life. He knows the plan already. He knows how everything is going to turn out. We just need to believe that everything is going to work for his glory and our benefit, no matter the circumstance.

Yes, the situation my family has been placed in is unfortunate, but I will not give up hope and I will not stop praising God through this storm.

 

I’m getting bad about writing everything down. I just get so overwhelmed and I don’t want to do anything or talk to anyone. It’s crazy how all I want is for others to hear me out, but I can’t even get myself to want to be around people. That only makes my struggle with anxiety worse.

Over these past two days, I have struggled with knowing my self-worth. Though I feel God reminding me in small ways that I matter. I am trying to listen to his voice rather than outside influences. It is extremely difficult.

After a few long and stressful weeks, I stuck with my decision of not joining my mother on a vacation trip and instead coming to help my father with my grandparents. I still don’t know if it was the right choice to let my mother go alone, especially after all of her attempts to persuade me to go. But I do feel in my heart that my choice was unselfish and for the right reasons (if that even means anything to anyone these days).

Yet I still find myself trying to run away from what I feel is obligation. I don’t know if I’m putting that pressure on myself, or if it just comes along with the situation. Hard to tell. I’m hanging in there.

I feel that I am extending myself to my breaking point. Actually, I reached it yesterday. It wasn’t this awakening sensation where it suddenly dawned on me or anything. I just broke down. I wasn’t able to understand why things kept going wrong when I felt that I was trying my hardest to do things right.

The Lord tends to put me in situations where I have to remain patient. Again and again I am reminded that there are always reasons to smile, even when things are ugly. Sometimes it could be something that seems to insignificant to others, like getting your breakfast for free in the drive thru, but I know that is how God speaks: through little actions that make big impacts.