Am I good enough?

Days 89-91. I have to get this off my chest. I am drowning. I am struggling. I am stressed. I am broken. I am tired. I am lonely.

I think the last statement isn’t entirely accurate. I FEEL lonely is a better way of expressing that feeling. How often are we around people all day and feel alone? Feel like nobody understands what we’re going through? Feel like there’s no point in trying to express yourself of explain what’s going on. I am there right now.

I don’t think there is any way to accurately express in enough detail the things that I am dealing with on a daily basis at work due to us being relocated because of the hurricane. Something new and crazy happens everyday.

Since Monday to today (Thursday), one of my favorite kids has been arrested and will likely be locked up for many years, one of the cheerleaders on my squad got into a fight and is now off the team, I haven’t had a chance to simply plan with my team about what we are teaching and our new teachers are completely lost, my students aren’t comprehending information I’m trying to teach them without a working computer/internet or a projector, I have woken up to news that my former student went missing, and I have averaged a max of 6 hours of sleep per night.

It’s been very hard adjusting to our new building. I am grateful for my best friends for letting my vent and get my mind off of work. I am trying to do better about not using my phone in front of my kids or around friends. I want to be mindful of their time.

I’m still working on being patient and listening to others. I am not completely there, but small steps will help.

Eating me to death

Day 73. Our second day at work went well. I think my kids are feeling a slight bit better around our new building. Or maybe I just want to believe that so I won’t feel bad anymore about the move. I have them journaling about their experiences, so hopefully time will tell.

In other news, I failed yet again at getting back on my healthy eating kick. I want to believe that I was doing a great job at clean eating before, but I don’t know how accurate that is. I do know that I was definitely eating way better compared to how I am now. And again, the nagging voice is coming back to my mind. I’m literally on the road to eating myself to death.

I know that this stupid eating disorder isn’t going away in the next day or week or even year. It is constantly trying to convince me that I am undesirable if I’m not at the weight I want to be. If my face is too round or my arms are too chunky to fit into my sleeves, I start to stress. Then with all added stress, I start to stress eat and everything just goes downhill from there.

I can’t let myself continue on this unhealthy path. I honestly don’t care if I’m big or thin, I just want to be happy and healthy without fear of any health related issues.

I find myself trying to prove that I can still get the attention of men even though I am not as skinny as I once was. As attractive as I once was. As happy as I once was… And then I end up making poor choices or teasing people or leading them on knowing full well they do not interest me and I won’t want to pursue. This is one thing I have stopped doing unless I’ve been drinking, which is another story for another time.

I know that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I know I need to completely love myself before getting to be with someone else and I can do that. However I know that this is also a process that will take a long time.

I have to learn to fully love and accept myself so I can continue to fight these battles and temptations. I also know that I need to love myself so that I can give my students a good example of how to do so.

If it needs to be for them before doing for myself, then I will get it done. I will not give up.

Day 72

Our first day at our new building wasn’t so bad. Our kids returned and were excited to see us again. This journey is barely beginning, but it has already surprised us with the way things have progressed so quickly. Last week I would have never believed we would be where we are now. It’s honestly hard to believe that it’s been a week already…

Last week, the endless week from hell. The week that drained us, emotionally and physically. And now… back to a sense of normalcy… it is unbelievable.

I hope people are inspired when they see us. I hope people can be moved by the way our kids will adapt and work. I am in awe. I’m so proud to be a part of this team. With all of the unknowns and anxieties, it feels like we can make it be okay.

Everyday is a new day; that seems to be the motto for our year. This hurricane will not bring us down. It will not tear us apart. It will not make us believe that we are not okay because we will be.

This journey will not come without challenge and struggle, but everyday is a new day and a new chance to try again and do something different. We will do that.

Ahhhhhh

Day 71. Tomorrow is day 1 in our new temporary home! It’s like the first day of school all over again, literally.

I can’t sleep. I’m anxious excited. I’m also very nervous and don’t know what to expect. But I do know that I will be happy and love my students more than I have ever loved them before.

I vow to influence their minds in the most positive ways. I intend to lift up their spirits and never allow themselves to think lowly of themselves. I will demonstrate kindness and empathy so that they can experience those feelings and go on to share them with others. And I promise to be the best that I can be, meaning that I will try my hardest to be understanding, patient, forgiving, trusting, loving, and welcoming to each student that comes through my door.

Teachers make the world go round.

Uncertainties

Days 69 & 70. Yesterday was the worst day ever, but there were some positives. Going to work and getting nothing done was frustrating and stressful. Coming home to “rest” and not being able to sleep was draining. Then getting up to go right back to work and do it all over again was crushing.

Yes, I cried. Again. I’ve cried everyday since Tuesday. I’m overwhelmed. I’m upset. I’m angry. I’m frustrated. I’m tired. I’m not okay.

It has been tough going in and not knowing what to expect each day. Not knowing if we even have a classroom to set up. Not knowing if we will even have students to teach. Not many people understand what we have been experiencing because they haven’t been through it themselves. But imagine being in your home, a place you are comfortable in, a place you’ve invested so much time and money to make feel comfortable and inviting, all to move into a new building that you don’t know, with half of your belongings because most were lost in the flood. It’s unimaginable, but it’s been reality for us.

My anxiety attacks made a surprise comeback. Today was my breaking point. I couldn’t breathe. I was close to passing out. All I wanted to do was vomit. I had to force myself to eat. I had to be reminded to breathe. People had to help me calm down.

Still, only a handful of people knew that I was not okay. How is it possible that I can be so broken, so unstable, so sick, and nobody even notices?

It has dawned on me: PEOPLE GO THROUGH THIS EVERY SINGLE DAY.

My own friends haven’t even checked on me. And they know what’s going on. They just do NOT care. And that’s sad.

I have people who don’t even know me and have been checking in on me, offering to help me, making sure I am fed and take breaks, and supporting me so that I don’t feel like I am broken. Thank God for angels on earth. THANK YOU GOD FOR GOOD PEOPLE!

As hard as this week has been, I would do it again in a heartbeat for my students. We have been through hell this week, and though it would never be a conscious choice, I know that each of us would suffer again if we knew it would help our students feel comfortable and loved.

I don’t know what to expect on Monday. I don’t know how many of my students will return. I don’t know how they will act, if they will be different, if they will even speak about the recent events. I don’t know anything.

I do know that I will be better for them. I will not let my stresses prevent me from loving them. I will not allow my anger and sadness affect my positive attitude with them. I will be the best me that I can be.

I know that small steps must be taken. I know that if I want to be the best me mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, I need to love myself and allow myself a sense of grace and understanding. I know I need to be patient with myself. I know that recovery isn’t a one-day thing.

I’m still struggling with thoughts of starving myself again. I’m still fighting the urge to allow people to disrespect me and my morals, forcing love to happen when it isn’t meant to. I still don’t believe I’m good enough to teach my students and don’t believe I can make a difference. But I will not give in. I won’t cave. I’ve fought it this long and I can keep going. I refuse to allow myself to fall back into that dark place.

Everyday is a new day full of choices and small steps. If God grants me a new day of life, I’ll continue to strive for a better me. I will continue to praise God in the hardest times, through all storms and the calmest days.

I will make it. I will. Everything is going to be okay.

Imperfections

Day 68. Today was rough. That might be an understatement, but I’m trying to be positive.

It’s not working.

I had a complete and utter mental breakdown at work today. Sometimes it just gets hard to be strong and hold it together. It’s like there are little fires everywhere that need to be put out, but only one can be put out at a time. Then, as soon as you put out that fire, another quickly ignites.

We are all at our breaking point. We haven’t even had full time to process the storm that fell upon us last week. Now we are being pushed to be ready, to get things done, to be good to go when our kids arrive. I just don’t see how that is possible…

I will do anything for my students. ANYTHING. Those are my kids. But how can I provide and be strong if I am not over the recent events that have occurred? We are between a rock and a hard place. There is no winning.

I will continue prayer. I will continue to trust that God is in control. But I will also continue crying. And I will also continue to be tired and love off of coffee, icy hot patches, and poor food choices. (I can’t win all the battles.)

Today is over. I will not worry about tomorrow because it is a new day and another chance for me to go in and try one more time. That’s all we really need to do in order to succeed; just get back up and try again.

I am not perfect. This process is not perfect. The outcome will not be perfect. And that’s okay.

Tomorrow is a new day.