Archives for posts with tag: Trust

Day 41. I watched the movie “Coffee Shop” twice in the past week. It’s one of those cheesy romantic comedies that are super unrealistic and set the standards for men and expectations for women too high (do I sound like a love hater?). Though, it was still good and had a good message to it.

The main character reminded me a bit of myself. Big heart, desire to help those she loves, trouble finding Mr. Right, enjoys coffee more than a normal person should, ambitious, and a stubborn/feisty attitude when rubbed the wrong way. It was like watching a movie about myself, except I don’t have blonde hair and blue eyes (and I didn’t get to kiss the handsome guy at the end!!!).

Towards the end of the movie when she was in a rut and didn’t know what to do next, something her friend told her really stuck with me. He said:

“Don’t lose yourself in the temporary. No one has ever seen, no one has ever heard, and no one can ever imagine the things God has planned for them.”

How powerful is that statement? I found myself rushing this morning, just like every other morning, but now I try to catch myself before stressing out. Yes, there is a high possibility that I will run late again, but I have to remember to be patient. I cannot get stuck in the temporary.

We often forget that we are praising the Lord in our work so have to give our all and do the very best we can. We do not know the promises God has for us. We can only trust that his will is greater than our thoughts. Then we just need to let go and let God take care of it all.

I’m so poor right now. Monetarily, spiritually, emotionally… just poor. However, I’m so very fortunate that the previous statement isn’t extremely accurate. I’m blessed beyond measure. God provides for me. But I still FEEL poor.

My fortune cookie tonight said, “Flying is easy. Not hitting the ground is hard.” Why do those words resonate so much with me? I clearly understand them, but I couldn’t explain to a single soul what they mean. I know they mean something different to everybody. I honestly feel that I am living my life like that right now. I’m trying to fly, or live life in a right way, but I keep hitting the ground, or making mistakes and getting pushed down each time I strive to be better.

Every time I put in my head that I want to be better and do better, I end up failing. I don’t know if I have enough perseverance to continue. I’m weak.

I know God is with me. I know he is. But why do we have to live our lives constantly hitting the ground? We can fly but never long enough to feel the wind and see the sights. It’s always cut short.

I’m always trying to fill this void with people that don’t matter at all and it is so incredibly hard to get out of that habit. How do I change myself?

What does God want from me??? I wish I knew. I wish I could just do it now and I could be closer to him. I’m tired of feeling so far away. I don’t know how to find him in the mess other than the basic sense of knowing he is helping me through it. But I want more than that. Or should that be enough?

I’m hitting the ground again… these questions make me hit the ground. Maybe God wants me to keep falling so one day I can knock some sense into myself. I wouldn’t be surprised… after all this time, I’ve learned his humor is worse than mine.

Sunday was hard. The day was so full of worldly distractions. Sadly, I fell into the trap and I failed again.

I’ve been on a mission to find God. I want to feel his presence again, but I don’t know where to search. So I’ve been trying this new thing where I look for him in all things. In big moments or small situations, when everything is hectic and when all is calm. It is HARD. To be honest, some days I don’t even know why I bother to try. The world is so full of its ways to keep you from remembering him at all. And yes, I fall a lot.

For instance, I didn’t go to mass Sunday. I go every weekend, even when I don’t believe God is there at all; it just feels weird when I don’t go. I need to give God my time, but this Sunday was different; I didn’t make the time. I planned to go, but I remember looking at my watch and thinking, “Oh well, not making it today.” …How will I ever find God with that attitude? What if I die and get to heaven’s gates and he says, “Oh well, not making it today.” How would I feel?! I can’t stand myself most days.

Sunday night was super rough. I pushed aside my shame, but I just couldn’t forgive myself. Who am I that God isn’t important to me anymore? And what was I doing that took up my time that day and made me think I couldn’t make it? Oh that’s right. I was at a bar drinking with people who don’t care about my soul. Honestly, they probably don’t even care about me in general. Still, I picked them over someone who is continuously begging for my love. Why did I do that? Why did I make the wrong choice? I had been doing so well in immersing myself into things that would bring me closer to him and in one day I flushed all that progress away. I can’t forgive myself. That is quite possibly the thing I struggle with the most in life. That’s why I drink.

I couldn’t get myself to write anything Sunday night. I had a hard time accepting the choices I made. I told myself I would go confess in the morning because maybe words of forgiveness would make me feel ok with myself and my choices. So I woke up today (Monday) and went to confess.

There is no better way to say this than God’s grace is amazing. I don’t even know why he continues to forgive me. I really debated with that question before going into the confessional. I stared up at the huge Jesus sculpture and asked him to answer me, to tell me why he still wanted me. And answer me he did.

Today was the first time in a very long time that I felt God actually speak straight to me. I’ll paraphrase what the priest said:

“You have to remember to be patient with yourself. Don’t set expectations that are too high because if we don’t reach them, that’s when we feel that we fail. You have to be realistic in your expectations for yourself. We are often too hard on ourselves and it’s bad because the world is already hard on us. We need to be patient. God doesn’t want us perfect and ready to go; he wants our brokenness.”

In other words, I can’t keep running and then getting mad at myself for not achieving what I said I would in a short period of time. It’s just not realistic.

I really can’t express how gratifying it was to hear those words. They’re all true! God knew what I needed to hear and made sure to drill it in my mind. I feel good! Hopefully this feeling will last for a while. Hopefully I can keep it up and not beat myself up when I fail again, because I’m human and I know it will happen. Time will tell.