Days 203-227. I haven’t written in so long. I forgot I even had a blog. Life update ahead.

Work has been even more of a train wreck than usual. A coworker quit, and now I am the lucky individual teaching their classes as well as my own. It’s been busy and stressful and extremely tiring. I cry often because I’m so worn out and often feel like I am doing it all for nothing since these students will be measured by an exam that they will not be prepared for. Of course I try not to cry in front of others, but at this point of the year, anything goes.

I miss my grandparents. I think of them often and I still long to see them. I feel their absence deeply. I try hard to contain my tears because I feel that I have to move on, but I know it’s not that simple. I just cannot allow myself to break down in all aspects of life. I need control over at least one thing… yeah right.

I have been in a relationship for 3 months and haven’t found an excuse to run away yet. With each day that goes by, I get more scared that the love I have for him will end up hurting him. I don’t always trust myself. But he is patient and I want to take it slow. I have no idea what I want in life anymore. There are days when I don’t know if I should even want him. But I guess I still do. So here we are.

I hope I can be more honest with myself after this work year is over. I hope I can learn what love really is in this relationship. I hope alcohol isn’t my only outlet when I feel stressed.

I hope I pray more and write more.

I hope I think better of myself. I hope I have time to think of myself at all.