“Why am I having a panic attack before sleeping…” things I wonder to myself ALL. THE. TIME.

Writing set me off tonight. I reveal the most when I know nobody can hear me or judge my thoughts. Hence this blog (but apparently I have people who read, so don’t judge me please).

I know God is calling me to write. I just don’t know what he wants me to write, if anything specific. My dad keeps pushing me and I know that things don’t come out good if I am forcing them. I don’t like to write if I don’t feel like it. But there are days when all I want to do is write. I’m a very complex person as you can see (not really, just often confused by life).

I don’t know if it is the stress of this year at work, or if the seasons of my life are changing, but I feel called to move on. I’m still discerning whether it is an actual call from God, or if it’s me running away. However, the way I can tell is usually by my feelings towards leaving the people I work with.

In each job that I have left, I have felt a small type of remorse when saying goodbye. This time, I know it would pain me to leave because I can’t help but cry at the thought of not seeing my work family anymore. 3 years is a long time to work together, and it isn’t even THAT long. I just can’t fathom going away.

I do know I need time off. My mental health is suffering. Then that in turn is causing my physical health to suffer. It’s terrible. But I will understand if I have to go.

I don’t think I’ll understand if I have to stay though. Part of me knows why, but I wonder if this is really the spot for me. I do all that I do for my kids. But am I really making an impact or a dent in the world? There are so many more kids i could serve throughout the world. I know that is selfish thinking, but I just really want a break. I know God will ALWAYS give me strength to keep going if I am doing his will, but there are times when I really just want to curl up into a ball and rest.

I need rest. Maybe that will change my perspective.

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Days 109-110. I have high functioning anxiety. People deny it to be a disease, but I swear to you when you are crying uncontrollably for something small like “the line was too long at Sonic and I just wanted an iced tea,” you’ll get it. True story. It happened today.

I cried at work again. I really need to get a grip on that. It’s hard!!!!! But I’m trying and that’s all that matters, right…?

When I tell people that I have anxiety, I don’t think they fully understand what I mean. They usually brush off my statement by saying that “everybody is stressed.” But I’m not talking about everybody; I’m talking about me.

Do I need to be worrying about everybody else too? Am I now being selfish? Are my needs and emotions so minimal that they really don’t matter? Am I making a bigger deal out of this than I need to be? Should I even be bringing my feelings up in general?

Just an example of where my brain goes and how I immediately feel the anxiety kick in.

Anxiety isn’t something you just get over and move on from. Anxiety is so complex, yet the things that set it off can be so simple.

Anxiety is making the trip to get your car’s oil changed, then seeing the line and leaving because you are on the verge of tears and don’t want to cry in front of random people, then freaking out more because you didn’t get the oil changed.

Anxiety is crying because you are tired to the point of being able to fall asleep standing up, but feeling bad because you didn’t make a ┬álate night trip to visit your aunt.

Anxiety is walking down the hallway at work and yelling loudly because if you don’t release some tension you’ll breakdown and have a mental block that doesn’t allow you to even formulate sentences that describe your thoughts.

Anxiety is struggling to breathe and gasping for air because you are in full panic mode.

Anxiety is not being able to sleep because you are constantly thinking of things you could improve on, or things you’ve done wrong and no longer can go back and correct.

Anxiety is developing a stress-related and stress-causing nerve pain in your back that doesn’t even allow you to make the slightest moments without being in EXTREME pain.

Anxiety is always having your brain working at 150 mph and not slowing down enough to finish one thought before moving on to the next.

Anxiety is putting on a fake smile everyday and pretending to be fine when really you don’t feel that way at all.

I hate having anxiety. I hate barely dealing with it and just “coping” with it enough to be able to narrowly get by.

I wish people understood. I wish people had compassion and more love to share with those who are struggling. Until that day, I’ll be here struggling.

Days 107-108. God loves me. I know it in my heart and soul. I feel all the way to my core. I was reassured this weekend of this very fact and I have never felt more… normal.

Before when I would go on retreats, I’d leave with a spiritual high that was incomparable to any other feeling. But after a few days, the feeling would fade and I would be right back to the same way as before.

I didn’t leave this weekend with a spiritual high; I left with so much love in my heart that I can’t contain it. I need to share it with others.

This sensation is best compared to when you get a new gadget or piece of clothing that you need to show off to everyone so they can see how nice it is. Except this love I have isn’t showy or able to fade after a short stint of having it.

This love is refreshing and renewing. It can literally change your life and save you from anything you were struggling with before encountering it.

I don’t feel like a different person; my core has stayed the same. I simply feel like a better version of myself, and I think that is so incredible. Why wouldn’t anyone want to experience this type of love?

I was afraid of love, but I’m not anymore. I know what true love is. I know that it will hurt and it isn’t pretty and it will take lots of work, but it will ALWAYS be worth it. It will always forgive, always accept, and always push me to be the best version of myself.

If it doesn’t fit that description, it’s not love. It’s not real.

I refuse to allow anyone I know and anyone I meet to experience anything less.

I have been through many fake relationships with fake love that needs to please and seek acceptance. None of them were worth it. There is only one person who is worth it, and that is God. He is calling us and waiting for us to meet him. Are we going to ignore his call, or will we accept his love for us?

Days 103-106. I am on a spiritual encounter to find Christ. AKA I’m on a retreat. It was hard coming and leaving work behind. It was difficult finishing all things I had to do to get ready just to come in general.

Yesterday was very stressful and it feels as though I have lived 2 days in one since then, as though yesterday happened last week. I had so many things on my to do list and despite needing to arrive early to work, I still stopped to buy my coworkers breakfast to treat them that morning. As I parked and waited for my food to be delivered to me, I stared at the clock and new I’d be late. When I finally got the food, I began to reverse in order to get out of the parking lot, however the car behind me continued to go forward despite seeing me moving. Left with limited space, I ended up backing into a pole. I tried to shake it off and speed to work to make it on time, but I was more rushed trying to carry everything in even though I asked for help and nobody came down to assist. To top it off, the breakfast I purchased for myself wasn’t even in the bag. Furthermore, as I took a sip of my coffee which I really needed that day, I realized it tasted nasty and wasn’t drinkable.

This was all before the hour of 8 a.m.

So many more things happened throughout the day to make my life more inconvenient. I gave up on positivity; I just wanted to leave for the day. I was thoroughly exhausted and I arrived to my weekend retreat with that feeling.

I came to experience God in a way i dont normally do, but all I have done is fall asleep. I am too tired to focus. Every movement is tiring. My body aches. My nerve pain has returned and is keeping me watching every movement.

I know God is here though. I know he is with me and within me. My plan this weekend is to feel him, even if for a brief moment. No expectations, just hope.

I will update more as the weekend progresses.

Days 101-102. I don’t understand how feelings work or form or disappear… is this knowledge we as humans are supposed to comprehend?

I’m back to being afraid of marriage. I’m afraid of committing to someone. I was in an okay spot, but today changed everything. Again.

It is incredibly depressing knowing that moments that are so insignificant to us can be molding another persons life or mindset. Truly remarkable how by one small word, or lack of, can impact a person so much. Can cause an emotional reaction. Can create emotional turmoil in another.

SOMETHING THAT IS SO INSIGNIFICANT TO YOU CHANGES SOMEONE ELSE!

How can that be okay? How is it ever okay to break someone’s heart and then just move on with your life as if it never happened? And to think that we go around doing this daily… there are really no words to describe this knowledge. It’s just sad.

Think about it, our hearts get broken everyday. It may not be a huge break, or maybe it might, but either way they are being chipped apart constantly by the smallest things. It could be by someone telling you you’re not good enough, someone saying your cooking doesn’t taste right, your jeans are fitting a little too snug, your hair looks bad, your makeup is subpar, your jokes aren’t funny, your attitude is unappreciated (even though nobody bothers to ask if you’re okay to figure out why you have an attitude to begin with), your shoes aren’t cool, your laugh is too high-pitched, you aren’t doing your job right, your nose is big, your ears are small, you look tired (even if you tried really hard to make yourself not look that way)… the list could go on forever.

I as a person break every single time I hear those things. And considering that those saying the words believe they are so insignificant, the small break in my heart is also probably not important either.

Then what do we do in return? We go and say those things to others! WHY DO WE DO THAT?? Weren’t we just broken? Don’t we know we will break another in the same way? Do we really want everyone to be broken just so that they can be in the same boat as us?

I don’t understand. I don’t think I’ll ever understand. I’m at a loss right now… I dont know where to go from here or how to feel. I’m utterly lost. I’m broken. I’m hurting.

And nobody knows or cares. That is the sad reality in the world we live in today. Everyone is so busy trying to patch up their cracks and heal their own pains that they forget to treat others with compassion and empathy. We forget to love our neighbor and forgive their brokenness. No wonder depression is as common as it is… nobody cares.

Even if they do care, we all must take the time to take care of ourselves. And what do the people do who don’t know how to care for themselves? Who do they turn to then? How do they get help?

Wouldn’t it make the most sense to just be kind all the time? Wouldn’t it be better for us to never have to heal our broken hearts because they were never broken at all? Then we could turn our attention to our brothers and sisters who really do need our help and build them up instead of allowing them to stay down.

I’ve always liked the quote “Why do we only rest in peace? Why can’t we live in it too?” Why is this so hard to achieve? How do we reverse all the bad things we’ve done and stop from doing them again? Is there any convincing to those who have already gone too far down the rabbit hole?

People often think I don’t care about their feelings. They all think I’m okay with hurting them and breaking their hearts and just being able to move on with my life, but that’s not me. Nobody understands my heart. Nobody sees my brokenness, nor my attempts to avoid creating theirs. I am placed into the same boat as the rest. Sometimes I think I deserve to be there too.

I have tried SO very hard not to hurt anyone or break their hearts. I’ve distanced myself from any potential dates or people who may think they like me but don’t know me at all. I’ve hurt too many already and I don’t want to go back to that life anymore. I don’t want to NOT care.

I know I can’t help feelings from forming, but I can stop them from growing. Or at least I will try to.

I am detached in such a way that only the one God sends to me will be able to reel me in. Only God can set my heart on fire so much so that I will then feel the need to share it. I don’t feel that for anyone now and I shouldn’t have to feel bad about that. I shouldn’t be made to feel bad about not wanting to be with anyone. I am waiting and being patient for the one who deserves me and that is okay!

I don’t know what others want from me, but I know what I want from myself… to love my neighbor and serve those who come to me. I think that’s really all that matters.

Days 96-100. Currently listening to the song titled “Placed on Hold” by Mutemath. I was asked to describe my love life in 3 words yesterday and I feel as though those words would suffice. The other 3 words would be “On God’s Time.” I know God wants me to wait; he’s told me so. He tells me each time I try to make feelings pop up out of thin air for random guys who are nice to me. Just because they are nice and good doesn’t mean they are meant for me. There are tons of kind people who I don’t need to be with. That shouldn’t be the only gauge in welcoming someone to my life.

I’m on hold. I’m not the best version of myself yet. I’m trying to get there on my own but I’m struggling. Sometimes I just want someone so that I know there will always be someone to like me when I don’t like myself, but I know things don’t work that way.

I need to love myself. I just struggle doing so.

Work has been progressively getting more stressful. I’m trying to stay positive, but it is hard to keep the optimism up. Especially when you also aren’t enjoying what you see in the mirror.

I’ve been stress eating and haven’t been able to workout since my gym got flooded and never reopened. All this food is adding pounds and I don’t enjoy looking at myself anymore. The feelings and urges of withholding food from myself are coming back. They’ve been tempting me, however I have been fighting the urge. It’s REALLY hard though.

Tonight, as I read what I’ve written days ago, I am saddened because of the way I see myself and the choices I’ve made these past couple of days. I spent all day between sleep and feeling sick from having 3 drinks last night and being so behind on sleep. My body no longer bounces back like before. I am tired all the time to the point where I feel sick. I just want rest. I want to know that I am not wasting my time doing nothing. That all this time I’m pouring into work isn’t in vain or a waste. I just want to feel that I don’t feel this way without reason.

It lies hard on my soul thinking non-stop day and night that I am not being seen as valuable. What more can I be doing? I don’t want to take my blessings for granted. I’ve been failing constantly and not working hard enough to fight all temptations that come my way.

I need a fresh start. I must genuinely ask God for forgiveness then wake up and try again. I can’t go through the motions anymore. I have to do better and be better.

I can’t hear rain fall without thinking of the hurricane. I have flashbacks to all that occurred in those weeks… and the fact that we at my campus are still living in the aftermath is rough. I can’t rest. I can’t move on. I am still healing and trying to make it through, but it’s not easy.

I have been able to talk myself into getting up and going to work with a positive mindset, even when I don’t want to. Then today happens. I get in my car, having already pep talked myself into feigning happiness, and I hear the news about Vegas. I hear about how many people are dead and injured. I hear all the stories of people who survived the attack and my heart breaks.

I check with my family to make sure they are safe, then I pray.

I don’t understand. But I also don’t believe our human brain is made to comprehend these instances. We are made to react and our first reaction is what makes us who we are. We are defined by those actions.

Will we go out and help or will we deny that anything is wrong and place the blame on God?

I read something that seriously angered me today. It was a comic of a girl asking a boy “Why would God allow this?” and the guy responds, “because God doesn’t exist so focus on reality and fix your gun laws.” Part of that statement is correct; yes, we need to correct our gun laws, but the fact that people honestly believe because of all the tragedy occurring that a good God does not exist is unfathomable to me.

Why can’t anyone own up to the fact that we are the ones responsible for our actions? People make choices everyday. It doesn’t matter how small or insignificant they may seem… sometimes all it takes for someone to lose faith or revolt against others is something “small and insignificant.”

I vow to try my best to love others, even when they don’t deserve it. I vow to be kind to others, even when they make me mad. I vow to be patient with others, even when they are driving me crazy. And I vow to say at least one thoughtful and kind thing to those who cross my path each day, even if I don’t know them well.

The world needs so much love… soooo much love. Will we contribute to making the world a better place for those who follow us, or will we simply let it be the same as it continues to be?

Life is full of choices. We simply need to make the choices that will lead us to be better people.