Days 44 & 45. I didn’t make it the full month. I barely made it half a month. I was just so stressed and tired and peer pressured to drink today that I gave up my attempt dry August.

I feel like garbage. I don’t want to drink anymore… I really, truly wanted to give it up forever. It is just SO hard. Literally, it is a challenge for me to not do it for an extended period of time. I could do it on my own, but once I’m around the presence of others, that’s where I fail.

I want to disappear. I don’t want to exist within this world anymore. I want to take a break from all of the people, but I know it’s not possible at the moment. Everyone just challenges me, and maybe I even challenge myself a bit more, but I just can’t handle things. I’m failing as usual.

I can’t run away though. I have to face this struggle head on. And it’s hard, but it’ll get done.

Days 42 & 43. I opened the Bible tonight a bit reluctantly and asked God to lead me to what he wanted me to read. I stopped in the book of first Corinthians and felt him tell me to stop. No coincidence that the verse I read was the exact same verse I wrote about last.

“What eye has not seen, and ear has not heard, and what has not entered the human heart, what God has prepared for those who love him.”

I am not surprised. I know God is repeating this to me for a reason that is still currently unknown. What is he trying to tell me through this?

I am stressed and overwhelmed, but I don’t feel it upon my shoulders anymore. I am sticking up for myself. I’m not putting myself into any situations or relationships where I feel abused, manipulated, used, disrespected, or underappreciated. He is with me. He is helping me. And he’s letting me know that I may not be able to see it yet, but he has something greater planned for me.

Why do we get so caught up with things that are out of our control? Like the way people think of us, or even someone breaking our heart. We can’t stop that from happening. I can’t force anyone to like me. I can’t force anyone to think of me in a nice way. But I can pray about it and let God take control.

That’s really all it is; letting go of the wheel and trusting God has better control over things than we do. We try to force things, make things work with people who we aren’t meant to work with, keep balance over our work life and home life and everything else in between. But things still end up messy.

Just like my dad says, “Anything always happens.” And it does. We don’t know what will happen to us tomorrow. We don’t even know what will happen to us in the next minute. All we know is that we are alive and breathing and blessed beyond measure.

I am so incredibly fortunate to be blessed with an abundance of gifts like awareness, understanding, patience, and compassion. Gifts that people often overlook or don’t care much for. But I so appreciate them and adore the great God who allowed me to have them.

No, I don’t know what is in store for me. However, I can live with that and be okay.

I am okay.

Day 41. I watched the movie “Coffee Shop” twice in the past week. It’s one of those cheesy romantic comedies that are super unrealistic and set the standards for men and expectations for women too high (do I sound like a love hater?). Though, it was still good and had a good message to it.

The main character reminded me a bit of myself. Big heart, desire to help those she loves, trouble finding Mr. Right, enjoys coffee more than a normal person should, ambitious, and a stubborn/feisty attitude when rubbed the wrong way. It was like watching a movie about myself, except I don’t have blonde hair and blue eyes (and I didn’t get to kiss the handsome guy at the end!!!).

Towards the end of the movie when she was in a rut and didn’t know what to do next, something her friend told her really stuck with me. He said:

“Don’t lose yourself in the temporary. No one has ever seen, no one has ever heard, and no one can ever imagine the things God has planned for them.”

How powerful is that statement? I found myself rushing this morning, just like every other morning, but now I try to catch myself before stressing out. Yes, there is a high possibility that I will run late again, but I have to remember to be patient. I cannot get stuck in the temporary.

We often forget that we are praising the Lord in our work so have to give our all and do the very best we can. We do not know the promises God has for us. We can only trust that his will is greater than our thoughts. Then we just need to let go and let God take care of it all.

40 days of writing. I didn’t think I’d last this long. It’s funny how something I once loved to do for myself has now taken a different position in my life. I must be honest and raw for others as well. I can’t be afraid to show my true self… I have to open up and let my heart flow through.

I am very familiar with the feeling of giving up on God. The way I am so keen to think that he isn’t moving fast enough for me, he isn’t giving me the things I want, he isn’t allowing me to be with anyone, he isn’t showing me my vocation.

After listing those 4 things, I’ve already ran out of the things he “isn’t” doing for me. That’s not too many. Beyond that, they are all selfish desires.

Now I am no stranger to the knowledge that God is doing what he knows is best for me, he is allowing me to experience all the things I am going through for reasons unknown but necessary, he is giving me my many blessings and allowing me to have a job to work for more, he is trusting when allowing me to decide things for myself sometimes and not getting upset when I choose wrong, and the list goes on and on.

Interesting how much longer the list of things God does is longer than the list of things he doesn’t do. We just take so much for granted! We assume we will wake up tomorrow and do the same routine over and over. But in reality there is no guarantee.

So instead of complaining tonight and putting the blame on God, we should do the opposite and praise him! He is, after all, the reason we are here.

Day 38. Overwhelmed. Broken. Beaten down.

I didn’t question God today when things were just crazy. I did complain though. A lot. I’m working on that. I was able to calm myself and stabilize my thoughts after sitting alone for a while. All for everything to come crashing down again tonight.

Why is it the people that you give your best to the ones who turn on you and blame you for everything? They have a way of bringing you down. WAY down. I’m writing from below right now. But I think of it is an opportunity for me to look up. I’m trying to find the positives of a situation where someone just hurts you to the core and leaves you feeling worthless.

This time will be different though. I’m not going to let those thoughts enter my mind because they aren’t true. I am not worthless. I am not dumb. I am not someone that another person can crap on to make themselves feel better. I am more than all of that and I will show it. I will make others work to find the true me, but always remember to be kind in doing so.

God spoke to me tonight. It’s been a while. But I’ve heard that in a time of need, he will show up and be there with you. Tonight was a time of need and he is definitely with me.

As I sat crying with my Bible in my lap, I asked God to speak to me. I told him to tell me what to read, what page to stop on, and in whatever passage I was drawn to, to speak to me. I didn’t ask anything more. I didn’t tell him to make me feel better, nor to comfort me, nor to take any pain away. I didn’t even ask for him to tell me anything in specific. Still, he told me exactly what I needed to hear that would cover all of those things.

I opened up my Bible and stopped on Psalm 42- “Thirsting for God in Trouble and Exile.” It begins by saying,

“As the deer pants for the water brooks,
So my soul pants for You, O God.

My soul thirsts for God, for the living God;
When shall I come and appear before God?

My tears have been my food day and night,
While they say to me all day long, “Where is your God?””

It continues on with,

“Why are you in despair, O my soul?
And why have you become disturbed within me?
Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him
For the help of His presence.

O my God, my soul is in despair within me;”

MY SOUL IS IN DESPAIR. MY TEARS HAVE BEEN MY FOOD DAY AND NIGHT. He knew the emotions I felt and I didn’t have to tell him. I mean, can it be anymore clear than that?!

Then, it finishes with:

“Deep calls to deep at the sound of Your waterfalls;
All Your breakers and Your waves have rolled over me.

The Lord will command His lovingkindness in the daytime;
And His song will be with me in the night,
A prayer to the God of my life.”

He tells me right there that he will be with me through the night. If that isn’t clear, then I don’t know what is.

I’m at peace right now. I’m feeling serene. And I’m looking up.

I don’t want to write this one. I don’t like to talk about this at all, but it bothers me so much and I am tired of pushing it to the back of my mind. I just have to let it out.

I keep getting these feelings of wanting to go back to denying myself of eating. Restricting my food intake. Back to my old ways of skipping meals in order to control my weight. I’ve been fighting it off for almost a month now, but it’s getting worse. Every time I eat, I have that nagging voice in the back of my head telling me that I don’t need that meal, that I can focus my attention on something else to ignore my hunger, that I will be ok without the “extra” food for the day.

I’ve been doing well lately ignoring the urges to start up again. Although I’m not pleased with my weight right now and a bit frustrated by what I see in the mirror, I refuse to go back to that dark place. I am struggling though, almost like trying to swim through waves that keep crashing down on me. But when you have been that low, every little bit of progress is a celebration.

Self-love begins with acknowledging that God created me in his image. Praising him for allowing me to have things I take for granted and complain about everyday, like my hair or my legs, even down to the smallest things like my eyebrows. I need to change the way I talk about myself and TO myself. Change my thoughts to make them positive. Refrain from beating myself up when I eat things that aren’t the best choice and reminding myself that it’s ok to indulge every once in a while. Remembering that I am human and I am not perfect. Cutting comparisons between myself and others that aren’t even relevant! Simply enjoying my life and being happy with the decisions I make about my body and soul.

I can’t fall again; I refuse to do so. I will conquer this one small baby step at a time.

Days 35-36. Dad left today. Seven months later and it took me until now to realize how much it hurts me that I don’t get to see him everyday. I miss his sense of humor, his scent, his willingness to put himself out there even if others will think he’s strange, his bluntness, his random hugs and kisses, his declarations of love to my mother, and the list goes on.

I know I want him here out of my own selfish desire, but it’s just so difficult going from him being a constant in my days to barely seeing him at all. I wish things were different, but I will continue to push on and try to remain strong.

We had prayer night tonight and it occurred to me that God has been talking to me all along while I have been sitting here waiting for “signs” and other means of communication from him. We sat in silence for 15 minutes and it was a challenge trying to get my brain to stop working and allow me to hear God’s voice. But still he was there in my struggles, talking to me, acknowledging my efforts in trying to hear him.

Sometimes God doesn’t say much. Sometimes, all he does is point out your distractions. All the things that are keeping you from getting closer to him.

I have been frustrated trying to navigate through this chapter in life. Hoping to understand why God allowed things to happen in my family and have my dad pulled away.  Begging him to make everything okay when things feel like they are crashing down.

Navigating through life is like sailing with no map and no concept of where you might be. But Jesus says he is the way, the truth, and the life. He knows the plan already. He knows how everything is going to turn out. We just need to believe that everything is going to work for his glory and our benefit, no matter the circumstance.

Yes, the situation my family has been placed in is unfortunate, but I will not give up hope and I will not stop praising God through this storm.