6.2019

I want to cry. I want to let every single emotion and disappointment I’ve felt this week, this YEAR, just flow out of me so I can be drained of it. I want these feelings gone. I don’t want to be angry anymore. I don’t want to be upset anymore. I don’t want to feel like I am a nobody who has to deal with everyone’s crap because no one cares enough about me to be considerate. I don’t want to think about my ex and wonder how the hell he could just let us go and pick his lame friends over me. I don’t want to feel like I’m betraying my current boyfriend because I’m thinking about my ex. I don’t want to feel like a bad person anymore. I don’t want to feel like a bad daughter or a bad sister anymore. I don’t want to be sad and hate my life daily because of my current work situation. I don’t want to go through the motions and just do what needs to be done to get through the day. I don’t want to rely on alcohol to help me cope with my emotions. I don’t want to be upset because I have no friends who care enough about me to check on me or even ask what I’m doing. I don’t want to constantly scrutinize myself for my weight and worry whether I’m overeating or undereating or just eating terrible food. I don’t want to lie to myself and tell myself I’m not hungry so I can shed a few pounds. I don’t want my anxiety make me feel like I can’t attend any social settings or act up so much that I start having a panic attack. I don’t want to ever feel like I can’t breathe around my own family. I don’t want to hurt anyone I love. I don’t want to hurt.

I want peace.

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1/2019.

I pride myself on never really being afraid of doing anything. I always push myself to do the things that scare me, just for the proof that I could accomplish them. But there has always been one thing that frightens me the most. One thing that I have never wanted to do, yet wanted nothing more than TO do. One thing that makes me feel most alive even while scaring me to death.

I love to write. It’s hard to admit it because most days I really don’t feel like I do. Though I have wanted to do it since I was a young child. The problem is, I hate people reading my work. I know there are so many others trying to accomplish the same goal, so really, why should I even try? But if I never do, how will I ever know if I could succeed or not?

I just have to try it. I have to force myself to do it everyday, even when I don’t want to. I need to know.

So welcome back old self. Please be patient.

Sometime in year 2.

My aunt is now in heaven. I can’t believe she’s gone. With the amount of grief and sadness I feel, I can’t imagine what my other family members feel who were much closer to her.

Is it possible to get better at saying goodbye forever to people? Because these past 2 years have been packed full of farewells.

I don’t want to say goodbye to anyone anymore. I don’t want to lose anyone anymore and have to live without them. I don’t want to end up alone without people who genuinely love and care for me. I know it sounds selfish but I want them with me for my time here on Earth.

How can people just continue to live their lives without caring for others who are suffering? Why do so many people only care for themselves?

I loved my aunt. I will miss her dearly. I hope that one day I will have left a legacy so that others may miss me too.

Day 368. (Year 2, day 3)

The head and the heart often don’t agree. I find myself in the struggle of wanting so badly with my heart but not using my head to give me answers.

Sometimes it’s really as simple as “that person is not the one for you.”

Sometimes it’s as hard as “you might love two people at once.”

In the battle of the head and the heart, I don’t know which to choose.

In the battle of the head and the heart, you aren’t supposed to choose.

It’s not meant to be a battle at all.

A wise person feels with their heart and sees with their mind. One cannot do much good without the other. But one can do so much bad without the other.

The heart is often referred to as one of the most fragile things, yet when it breaks, it’s strong enough to rebuild itself. It is constantly rebuilding itself.

Sometimes the first chance is not the only chance we get. It takes time to become who you are supposed to be. And no matter how much we try to make ourselves into someone new, someone better, someone prettier, we will never lose our head or our heart.

It’s time we use it.

Days 362-367. It’s been a year since I’ve began this blogging journey. I told myself I’d make it public after the year, but I’m not sure if I’m ready for that yet.

I’ve spent this year trying to work through my anxiety and the depressive thoughts I sometimes have. It has been difficult for me to accept that I think a certain way about myself. Me, the person who would never allow someone to talk down on me or treat me poorly, talks down on herself and treats herself poorly.

I am a failure. I am a liar. I am a cheat.

How does God still love me? How is that possible?

My God is so merciful. Without his mercy I don’t know where I’d be. I’m so lost already, but I know he’s with me in my confusion and in my despair.

At times I feel like I make life harder for myself. I let myself be manipulated by things that may not be true and I have no clue how to get out of the situation.

Yet God is still there. He never tires. He never loses patience. He just wants me back.

Now I just need to find my way back.

Days 360-361.

It’s almost going to be a full year since I’ve started this blog. Wow. I don’t think I feel very different. But honestly, maybe I do.

What have I accomplished within this time? What have I done to make myself a better person? How have I become more empowered?

I thought I was struggling with a choice 2 days ago when in reality, I had the answer all along.

I have accomplished becoming a better, more empowered woman just within the last two days.

The past has a way of circling around again and sometimes making you question your life choices. The answers truly show you where your heart lies.

Mine belongs to me, but each day I wake up, I choose to give it to the one I love.

I had the chance to go back again and lend it to one who didn’t deserve it. Yet when the opportunity presented itself, I didn’t give in.

There are times when it’s hard to keep choosing the same person over and over every single day of your life. In fact, there may always be some grass that looks greener on the other side. And you may be tempted to take your heart and go check it out. But before you do, think about the one you would leave. Think of how they may be choosing to give you their heart every single day, no matter the state of the grass next door.

If you can leave them, then you aren’t meant to be.

If you can’t, keep watering your grass together.

“Love is patient. Love is kind. It is not jealous, it is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never fails.” – Corinthians 13:4-8

Nothing good comes easy. Choose the fight.

Days 328-359. I’ve made peace with my past. I’ve understood that I should not be with certain people. I’ve realized why we broke up. And I’m better because of it.

I’ve been in this relationship for almost 8 months. I’m still debating if it’s what I want. Is happiness enough to keep you with someone? Is love enough to last forever without work? How do you know when someone is the one?

Logic challenges everything. I’m happy, but what do I really want? Do I want someone who is familiar with my customs and culture? Or do I want to stay with the one who does anything and everything to make sure I’m happy?

Should they both be the same?

Do I simply move on?

Do I try again?

Will I always be trying again and again if I let this one go?

Do I question it because I love him or do I question it because I don’t want him to get hurt?

Do I even have feelings to be damaged anymore?

What do I want?