Don’t

6.2019

I want to cry. I want to let every single emotion and disappointment I’ve felt this week, this YEAR, just flow out of me so I can be drained of it. I want these feelings gone. I don’t want to be angry anymore. I don’t want to be upset anymore. I don’t want to feel like I am a nobody who has to deal with everyone’s crap because no one cares enough about me to be considerate. I don’t want to think about my ex and wonder how the hell he could just let us go and pick his lame friends over me. I don’t want to feel like I’m betraying my current boyfriend because I’m thinking about my ex. I don’t want to feel like a bad person anymore. I don’t want to feel like a bad daughter or a bad sister anymore. I don’t want to be sad and hate my life daily because of my current work situation. I don’t want to go through the motions and just do what needs to be done to get through the day. I don’t want to rely on alcohol to help me cope with my emotions. I don’t want to be upset because I have no friends who care enough about me to check on me or even ask what I’m doing. I don’t want to constantly scrutinize myself for my weight and worry whether I’m overeating or undereating or just eating terrible food. I don’t want to lie to myself and tell myself I’m not hungry so I can shed a few pounds. I don’t want my anxiety make me feel like I can’t attend any social settings or act up so much that I start having a panic attack. I don’t want to ever feel like I can’t breathe around my own family. I don’t want to hurt anyone I love. I don’t want to hurt.

I want peace.

Welcome Back

1/2019.

I pride myself on never really being afraid of doing anything. I always push myself to do the things that scare me, just for the proof that I could accomplish them. But there has always been one thing that frightens me the most. One thing that I have never wanted to do, yet wanted nothing more than TO do. One thing that makes me feel most alive even while scaring me to death.

I love to write. It’s hard to admit it because most days I really don’t feel like I do. Though I have wanted to do it since I was a young child. The problem is, I hate people reading my work. I know there are so many others trying to accomplish the same goal, so really, why should I even try? But if I never do, how will I ever know if I could succeed or not?

I just have to try it. I have to force myself to do it everyday, even when I don’t want to. I need to know.

So welcome back old self. Please be patient.

Hello grief, my old friend

Sometime in year 2.

My aunt is now in heaven. I can’t believe she’s gone. With the amount of grief and sadness I feel, I can’t imagine what my other family members feel who were much closer to her.

Is it possible to get better at saying goodbye forever to people? Because these past 2 years have been packed full of farewells.

I don’t want to say goodbye to anyone anymore. I don’t want to lose anyone anymore and have to live without them. I don’t want to end up alone without people who genuinely love and care for me. I know it sounds selfish but I want them with me for my time here on Earth.

How can people just continue to live their lives without caring for others who are suffering? Why do so many people only care for themselves?

I loved my aunt. I will miss her dearly. I hope that one day I will have left a legacy so that others may miss me too.

The Head & the Heart

Day 368. (Year 2, day 3)

The head and the heart often don’t agree. I find myself in the struggle of wanting so badly with my heart but not using my head to give me answers.

Sometimes it’s really as simple as “that person is not the one for you.”

Sometimes it’s as hard as “you might love two people at once.”

In the battle of the head and the heart, I don’t know which to choose.

In the battle of the head and the heart, you aren’t supposed to choose.

It’s not meant to be a battle at all.

A wise person feels with their heart and sees with their mind. One cannot do much good without the other. But one can do so much bad without the other.

The heart is often referred to as one of the most fragile things, yet when it breaks, it’s strong enough to rebuild itself. It is constantly rebuilding itself.

Sometimes the first chance is not the only chance we get. It takes time to become who you are supposed to be. And no matter how much we try to make ourselves into someone new, someone better, someone prettier, we will never lose our head or our heart.

It’s time we use it.

1 year

Days 362-367. It’s been a year since I’ve began this blogging journey. I told myself I’d make it public after the year, but I’m not sure if I’m ready for that yet.

I’ve spent this year trying to work through my anxiety and the depressive thoughts I sometimes have. It has been difficult for me to accept that I think a certain way about myself. Me, the person who would never allow someone to talk down on me or treat me poorly, talks down on herself and treats herself poorly.

I am a failure. I am a liar. I am a cheat.

How does God still love me? How is that possible?

My God is so merciful. Without his mercy I don’t know where I’d be. I’m so lost already, but I know he’s with me in my confusion and in my despair.

At times I feel like I make life harder for myself. I let myself be manipulated by things that may not be true and I have no clue how to get out of the situation.

Yet God is still there. He never tires. He never loses patience. He just wants me back.

Now I just need to find my way back.

Deserve

Days 360-361.

It’s almost going to be a full year since I’ve started this blog. Wow. I don’t think I feel very different. But honestly, maybe I do.

What have I accomplished within this time? What have I done to make myself a better person? How have I become more empowered?

I thought I was struggling with a choice 2 days ago when in reality, I had the answer all along.

I have accomplished becoming a better, more empowered woman just within the last two days.

The past has a way of circling around again and sometimes making you question your life choices. The answers truly show you where your heart lies.

Mine belongs to me, but each day I wake up, I choose to give it to the one I love.

I had the chance to go back again and lend it to one who didn’t deserve it. Yet when the opportunity presented itself, I didn’t give in.

There are times when it’s hard to keep choosing the same person over and over every single day of your life. In fact, there may always be some grass that looks greener on the other side. And you may be tempted to take your heart and go check it out. But before you do, think about the one you would leave. Think of how they may be choosing to give you their heart every single day, no matter the state of the grass next door.

If you can leave them, then you aren’t meant to be.

If you can’t, keep watering your grass together.

“Love is patient. Love is kind. It is not jealous, it is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never fails.” – Corinthians 13:4-8

Nothing good comes easy. Choose the fight.

What do I want?

Days 328-359. I’ve made peace with my past. I’ve understood that I should not be with certain people. I’ve realized why we broke up. And I’m better because of it.

I’ve been in this relationship for almost 8 months. I’m still debating if it’s what I want. Is happiness enough to keep you with someone? Is love enough to last forever without work? How do you know when someone is the one?

Logic challenges everything. I’m happy, but what do I really want? Do I want someone who is familiar with my customs and culture? Or do I want to stay with the one who does anything and everything to make sure I’m happy?

Should they both be the same?

Do I simply move on?

Do I try again?

Will I always be trying again and again if I let this one go?

Do I question it because I love him or do I question it because I don’t want him to get hurt?

Do I even have feelings to be damaged anymore?

What do I want?

Happy Birthday Grampy

Days 282-327. I haven’t written in over a month. I have to get better at this.

Today is Grandpa’s birthday. I miss him more than ever. I felt him around me all day, but all I wanted was to sit in the recliner next to his and read while he watched tv like I used to do. He would give me a side glance and wonder what I was doing, then turn and take a nap.

I wish he was still here with us. I want to laugh at his jokes and mannerisms. I want to eat next to him and watch him put too much pepper on his eggs. I want to make him his cup of coffee and let him tell me how much milk he wants in it.

But he’s in Heaven now. He’s enjoying true happiness. An immeasurable amount of joy that he deserves.

I love him. I’ll always love him and want to see him again. He will always be my number one favorite person. I’ll never forget him. Ever.

A Month Gone Away

Days 251-282. Days have passed where I have told myself to write and still I do not.

Thoughts go through my head constantly and I tell myself, “You should really write this down to remember this,” yet I still don’t. So many memories, so many inspirational moments, all gone into the abyss of my mind to never be remembered again. Maybe in the future a thought will trigger these words and memories, but there is only a slim chance of occurrence.

I used to write for myself. I never wanted to please anyone other than me with my writing; though it was rare that I ever pleased myself, since I am my harshest critic. Now though, I post for agreement; I post for likes; I post for amusement. I do not like this modern social platform where the significance of words can be so belittled and the beauty of prose is lost among the lack of tact within “writing.”

These days, everyone has something to say, but nobody wants to listen. Nobody wants to read. Nobody wants to spend any extra time informing themselves of things worth learning or information worth acquiring. We are okay with being ignorant. We are complacent with just going through the motions and feeling nothing at all while scrolling through post after post, numb to the world.

I refuse to be emotionless. We do not have emotions to simply ignore them. Words weren’t created to be without meaning! We must feel when we write, and we must feel when we read.

If we don’t, what use is there in living?

Therefore, I must continue to write, to document, to feel. I must do it for myself first and foremost. Then, after my soul is content, I will share.

The journey of the hidden blog continues.

Celebrate Love

Days 228-251. Life is crazy. All I want to do is write, but I never have the time. So much has gone on I don’t even know where to begin.

What I do know is that I’ve encountered God in a way I’ve never known. He is within me. Within!!! Isn’t that so powerful?

He is in all that I do and I get to share his love with others. I just cannot fathom the amount of love he has for me. For us.

I don’t think anyone ever looks around at others who are so different from them and remember that God loves them too. God loves our enemies and they are his children who are also invited to sit at his table in heaven.

That, my friends, is powerful.

I don’t always want to love others. I don’t always want to love myself. I don’t always want to love my boyfriend. But I do because God loves me. He loved me first and he isn’t finished loving me yet.

I immersed myself into silence over the weekend and sat with God while be embraced me and showed me just how much he loves me. He will never leave me or abandon me because he is within me. There is no escaping his love.

This is something that should be celebrated. Love should always be celebrated! There should never be a moment where you fail to say that you love them. Never.